Girls, if a girl rejected me when I was fat, is it wrong for me to reject her now?

[HikerDude]

I found out recently that one of the girls who became a female friend of mine my first year of college now has a crush on me. We've known each other for three years, but her crush began recently. The thing is, when I met her as a freshman, I was fat. I liked her then, but she put me in the friend zone right away because she just wasn't attracted (that's what I inferred).

Now that she's attracted to me I don't really think I can go there with her. I still like her as a friend, but there's a part of me deep down that was very hurt by her initial rejection. That part of me is still resentful that she wouldn't consider me as a guy when we first met. So now that I'm in her league (or maybe out of it), she's suddenly interested. I feel ashamed for harboring these feelings toward her. Is it wrong that I do?

[BubblyMaria]

It depends on why she didn't want to be with you and how you feel about her. If she's shallow and didn't give u a chance because of that then no. That's not the girl you want and I would friendzone her right back lol but if she had a genuine reason and is genuinely interested then it's up to you. Don't force anything and trust your gut feeling!

[HikerDude]

The problem is that, like my female friend said, "How many girls in general didn't want to be with you when you were fat?" In other words, it wasn't just this one girl who rejected me then, basically every girl did. This was her argument why I should at least consider dating this girl.

[BubblyMaria]

It doesn't matter. None of those girls matter. So what if you do date and you gain weight? Will she dump you? That's not a comfortable place to be. They should want you for YOU and not for what you look like.

[HikerDude]

I wish that were the case, but it's not. Girls want fit guys. I saw a female friend post something on her fb timeline that caught my attention: "Know what I call fat guys? Friends." Girls want a guy who looks good. No girl is going to want any guy just for being himself. If he doesn't have things going for himself, she will reject him.

[BubblyMaria]

That's not true. Not all girls are shallow. Those women who focus on looks are not worth the while or are not looking for anything serious. If you want to date this chick you need to have a talk with her and tell her how you feel or get over it and give her a fair shot. I would suggest talking to her seeing how much it impacted you.

[HikerDude]

No, I don't want to date her, and truth be told, I'd like her to feel some of what I felt. Call that revenge if you will, but it's what I feel. That said, I do have a conscience, and my conscience tells me it's petty to hold a grudge against someone who I consider a friend. That's why I'm here trying to assuage my guilt by seeking input from others.

[BubblyMaria]

I think you just answered your own question lol and I've been in your shoes. I rejected the guy. It was bittersweet lol and we're still good friends.

[HikerDude]

I know, I'm trying really hard not to embrace my inner d-bag that wants to see my friend suffer. I care for her, and yet, being rejected constantly as a fat guy was tough. I know that my female friends used to talk about me, too. There were rumblings of "he'd be great to date if he weren't fat." I'm trying to get over it, but it's tough. Thanks for your responses.

[LousyLoudMusic]

no, you feel kinda played, that you had to wait three years and get skinnier to get that attetion. and she had her chance.
something like that happened to me to, I just did not feel I really trust or feel confortable with them.

[LittleMissGriff]

I don't think it's ever wrong to turn someone down if you're not interested. I think you need to let go of the bitterness, because if you have a right to turn her down, now, she had a right to turn you down, then. Sometimes, the attraction just isn't there. That can change, but the fact is, you're not interested now. Just like your interest went down, hers went up, but they don't match, so it's totally fine to pass. There's nothing wrong with being someone's friend. It isn't a second rate position. Appreciate her as a friend - if she can't do so in return, then she was never a friend, just a failed love interest.

[HikerDude]

"... if you have a right to turn her down, now, she had a right to turn you down, then."

Actually it's the other way around. I feel that I have the right to shun her now largely because she did likewise to me then.

[LittleMissGriff]

Why? You're not interested for your reasons, she wasn't interested for hers. No one owes anyone a 'chance' if they aren't interested. It does mean, like in her case, she could have put more thought into it, but she has to deal with you not owing her a chance, either. So what, she turned you down. It happens. It happens more often than people succeeding. You're also 22. You changed in three years. She changed in 3 years. Just like three year ago, she didn't accept a date from you because - you assume - you were fat, you're not accepting a date from her because of a choice she made when she was 19. Either could be argued as shallow. In the end, neither actually matter. What matters is interest. It's there or it isn't, no matter what the reason.

FYI - I've never turned down a guy for being fat, but I've definitely turned down fat guys. They tend to immediately decide any issue is because of their weight, not personality. It's been three years. You've changed in more than your waist line.

[HikerDude]

I'm interested in a lot of people I wouldn't date for one reason or another. Interest by itself isn't enough to move my meter to the 'on' position.

And yes, fat guys do tend to think this way, and it's not because we're stupid or oblivious to reality. We tend to think every rejection is because of our weight because our weight has been perpetually shoved in our faces as a tragic flaw of our existence. Fat people are the last group in America against whom it's ok to express open derision or discrimination. We feel that very keenly. So please be aware that fat guys aren't out to deride your character or call you shallow when they infer such things, they're merely extrapolating from a lifetime of experience with people.

[LittleMissGriff]

Dude, I've been a fat girl, and I have very little patience when the first bitch out of someone's mouth is because of weight. I'm aware weight can be limiting. I'm aware weight will get you turned down. But I'm also aware that with weight comes incredibly low self esteem, bad food and exercise habits, clingy social interactions, and a lack of confidence in every aspect of their lives. Those traits? Are fucking obnoxious. Clingy, self-deprecating, woe-is-me, is such a turn off. I have never turned someone down because of their weight, but I have turned someone down because they showed those traits that commonly come with excessive weight. When I was 225 I had more than one beefcake accept a date when I asked, just like I had more than one look at me, chuckle, and go, "No way." and then laugh as I walked off. I wouldn't accept a date from those guys, either, but mainly because their response was fucking asshole, not that they turned me down.

[HikerDude]

Well, apparently your experiences as a fat person didn't teach you that much about people or imbue you with much empathy. Those fat guys who you turned down for being "obnoxious" weren't exhibiting those traits just to annoy you. The fact is that everyone annoys everyone at least part of the time. A fat guy exhibiting annoying traits isn't really any different from any other guy exhibiting annoying traits--except that he's fat.

There are obese people who lose weight and view other obese people with compassion, and then there are those obese people who lose weight and view other obese people with a scorn that belies the disgust they harbor for their former selves. It's not hard to see which category you're in.

[LittleMissGriff]

Yeah, you can take your pity party and go. You obviously want to have a pat on the head and hear she was such a terrible person because she wasn't interested and now she is because poor you. Get the fuck over your bruised ego and move on.

I've also gone out with plenty of fat guys, for the record. Like I said, I turned down obnoxious guys who clung like a limpet, not fat guys. Believe it or not? If this is the personality behind your little self? She's lucky not to have you.

[HikerDude]

You're a hateful and arrogant person. I'm sorry for the people whose lives you blight with your sneering condescension.

[trumpetplayerforlife]

No she had her chance she said no but you have to do it big go big or go home