I know nothing about my girlfriend's past. Should I be concerned?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating this woman since March, yet I know nothing about her past. She said she wants to get serious (even mentioned marriage one time) but I don't think I can commit to a woman I know very little about. I do know the basics: where she is from, the number and ages of her kids, but nothing else. Nothing about past relationships, sexual activities, whether she has made mistakes with men, nothing. However, I keep an open book policy with her, and tell her everything. My past relationships, sexual activites, mistakes and so forth. Should I be worried she is hiding something? Should I cut ties if she doesn't open up about it and show the same honesty as I have?

[AgentOfChaos]

I could never commit to a woman I know nothing about concerning her prior sexual & relationship history. Based on what little she has told you and her refusal to divulge anything from her life before you or elaborate on her past, my gut feeling is she's done some shit in her day. Me personally, I couldn't be with her. I have to know who I'm with. And don't fall for that "I don't want to talk about the past... I just want to move forward" bullshit. In order to know where you're going, you must first know where you've been. That's why history is a mandatory curriculum in school around the world. History repeats itself. No one truly changes who they are essentially. Typically they will make changes to their life and be serious about leading this new lifestyle... to a point. Eventually we all resume our old ways at some point. Why else do you think former addicts who have sometimes spent several years sober suddenly relapse? It's human nature to return to who we truly are. Based on her responses to your questions about her past, there are some definite red flags there. She's definitely hiding something she knows you won't like. Of all the possibilities out there of what that may be, the best case scenario you can hope for is she is in the witness protection program now and can't divulge any information to you on the basis of her safety alone. Or maybe it isn't a torrid sexual history she's hiding but she was instead with a man who is in prison now for some horrendous crime. I don't know... But her behavior is certainly a red flag because she knows you will have a very hard time accepting her once you know the truth. Does she not have any friends who have known her for a long time who can tell you more about her murky past? Anyone you can ask that will give you the dirt on who this girl truly is?

[Asker]

She always gives me the "i don't want to talk about the past, i just want to move forward" line. I've had history repeat itself on more than enough to know. I have a female roommate who was involved in a prostitution ring, as well as human trafficking, and I'VE SEEN/HEARD HER tell her boyfriend about it. In my mind, whatever my girlfriend did or was involved in must be horrendous. For all i know, she could be a black widow who never got caught.

[AgentOfChaos]

Well, that doesn't necessarily mean whatever it is she's hiding from you and is ashamed of is worse than your female roommate's past (which is about as horrible as it gets). I still think it's something pretty bad whatever it is, but her continued silence over this subject doesn't mean it's more horrible than prostitution/human trafficking. I wish I knew what to tell you here buddy, but unfortunately this is just one of those grey areas that you'll have to make a judgement call on for yourself. You may not know as much about her as you'd like, but you certainly know more about her than anyone else on this website giving you their "advice". You're the one who is with her everyday and knows what type of person she is. I would definitely suggest you go to her, tell her your feelings for her, but that you are having a hard time with this and that you're the type of person who can't fully commit to a marriage with her without knowing who she was before you two met. I strongly advise that.

[AgentOfChaos]

Just tell her you can't go on continuing to shove it down inside every time she gives you the old "the past is over; all that matters is the present and our future together" slogan. Just tell her you've tried to overcome it and deal with it for a long time now but it just isn't working and you simply cannot go forward into a marriage with someone you know nothing about. Don't let her tell you the past is totally irrelevant and has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship now. Tell her that although that may be her outlook on dating, it simply isn't yours and knowing her history means a lot to you. I mean, let's be honest here– Tell her that wanting to know about her life before you is not an unreasonable request and that the more she dodges it, the more it does affect your relationship in the present & future. Emphasise that if she can't be open & honest with you about it, it gives you second thoughts about marrying her because she isn't being transparent the way a wife should.

[AgentOfChaos]

Explain to her that being completely honest & transparent with one another is one of the bedrock fundamentals of matrimony. Explain to her that knowing about her past is something important to you even though you've been good about staying silent over it bothering you up to this point. But that marriage isn't something you take lightly and that you don't know if you can enter into a marriage with someone who is so evasive about her life before you. And if that doesn't work, tell her it hurts you to be with a woman you love and have no problem sharing everything about your own life with, only to have her not extend the same courtesy and stonewall you. Tell her it hurts your feelings for her to not be forthcoming & truthful with you.

[CousinGrizzly]

Im younger than you but i say you ask. Honestly i know plently of currently married girls who spent high school and college having more sexual partners than you can count of 4 hands. Of course they Married guys who had no earthly idea of their past. I say if she dosent open up then she either has a dark past or even experiences she's not proud of.

[Asker]

I'm beginning to think she either has a dark past, did some sh*t she's not proud of, or is a past or current slut...

[Goldie757]

When it comes to a relationship, talking about an ex is like walking directly into a minefield. You just don't know when one of them is going to blow up in your face.

For a girl, hearing another woman's name (especially an ex) can incite some very violent reactions. Other women just clam up and decide not to talk. Now, men would go mad if that happened. Men shouldn't talk about their ex in the first place to the woman in front of them because it will only end in trouble. There's no good way to end a conversation that starts with your ex. You can be certain that its going to end with an awkward.. "Soooo, that's that" or a.. "yeah, so that's how it ended". Really? Would you want your conversations to end that way?

Some people are not comfortable talking about there romantic and sexual past. It's an awkward conversation, it understandable, especially if they are a shy, reserved or private person. It does not mean that are shady. Also mentioning her romantic and sexual past may created jealousy in past relationships.

The past is the past. In the grand scheme of things it's not important. Nor is it anyone's business.

[Anonymous]

Cutting ties would probably be best seeing as how you are thinking she's a slut for not telling you. That's just ludicrous! So if she tells you she has had X amount of sexual partners you will judge her even more if you feel the number is too high for your standards. Instead of dragging this out, find out if she's an uber-slut or if she's just a guarded woman who doesn't feel that it is any of your business. Because to me, I don't care who he's been with in the past, what matters is that he is with me now. But then again, I don't judge

[Asker]

I don't care about how many sexual partners she had. I DO care if she cheated on a boyfriend while she had those partners. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"... that's all I want to know

[SarahsSummer]

It's not really relavant to to discuss her past sexual encounters whether pluses or minuses. if you chose to, so be it. Clearly there is something you like about her But You've only been dating 7 months. Hardly time to already discuss marriage. Try living in the here and now with her and see where that goes. That's what matters.

[ClassicRocker]

Murhpy's law man- if you don't know anything about her past then it's sure to be the worst.
She was a needle-sharing heroin addict/prostitute/neo-nazi/satanist

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her about it? Not everyone has the same policy about sharing info on past relationships and sexual activities. Some people don't want to know.

Anyway, ask if you do want to know.

[Asker]

I do ask, but i get nothing. She says she wants to go forward, not back. For all i know she could've been an uber-slut, or a serial cheater...

[Opinion Owner]

Then I would express that - while you understand her point of view, it's important to you to know more about this part of her life and it would be great if you guys can have an open and honest talk about it at least once.

If she still doesn't want to discuss it, then you have to figure out how important knowing about her past is to you.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I owe any man I'm in a relationship with my past. I have been in hurt in the past and I don't want to be seen as vulnerable or seen in a different light. I don't blame her for not telling you.

[far2gud4u]

some people are just more reserved and maybe she is ashamed of some things. who she is now is what matters.

[RationalMale]

Over half a year and you say this woman won't open up?

Damn. That's gotta be something pretty bad.

[clampfan101]

"Concerned" might be jut a bit strong of a word, but yes. I think a couple should always know about each other's past.

[RichardTheFrog]

Why don't you just ask her?

[thewanderingme]

so ask.
...

[apple24]

no not really.

[Anonymous]

she's a slut. drop her.