Girl likes me but hung on her ex.

[Anonymous]

So I wanted to get some advice on what I should do, according to my friends (males) they all say I should try showing her a good time, make her forget him in a way (like going out together, dinner, kinda deal)

We are both 20

The situation is this, she basically knew this guy for years before they dated and she claims she's loved him since, however they only dated for 3 months, its been almost 8 since they broke up. He claims he doesn't want to be around her cus of anger issues and me and her both feel its BS. Not only that, he's basically being an total jerk to her in that he won't return her messages or texts and only replies when she leaves a "mad" message and all she is doing is asking how his day has been, but yet he claims he still wants to be with her!? I've already told her, "it just feels like he's stringing you along"

We seem to have a good time, listening to music, hanging out at each others places. However when we get to talk, and she apologizes when this happens, she brings up her ex in some way or another. I can understand it being hard to get over someone, it took me almost a year to get over my ex.

The main issue being, I don't know if I should keep showing her a good time, having fun with her (we are friends of course) and see if things eventually lead into more between me and her, or if I should stop trying so hard right now because as she has said

"If I were to get into a relation and he somehow came back saying he wants to be together, I'm gonna ruin that relation to be with him" and even as I sit here typing this, I'm still pondering if I should still offer up the idea of dinner next week or not bother.

Sorry if there is any confusion at all.

[cajoi]

IF this girl has told you unequivocally that she is willing to throw away any relationship she's in for the sake of her ex---don't waste any more time.

First loves are always difficult to get over as it is and I don't know if this guy falls into that category, but seeing as they knew each other for years before their short term attempt at being serious...it's more than likely that she's been in love with him for a while. Long before they even got together. Which explains why she's having such a hard time getting over him. And since she feels like his excuse for breaking up with her is BS, it's probably likely that she never felt closure with him.

It's one thing when you break up with someone and they shut you down cold. They give you the reasons why they are breaking up with you and while it may be tough to hear--at least you know the reasons why. If you and her both agree that it seems like he was being less than honest about his reasons pertaining to the break up, that lack of closure is only going to make her pursue him more in order to get to the bottom of what is going on. Because if he lied about why he broke up with her, then in her mind, there is a distinct possibility that they could get back together. Add that to the the fact that he keeps telling her that he still wants too be with her---no wonder the girl can't get over it.

The fact that she is unwilling to cut all communication with this guy is a major stumbling block. There are some people in life that you simply cannot be "friends" with. There are simply too many emotions that come up when you're together or when you speak to one another that cannot be ignored. The guy obviously fits into that category for her.

It's unfortunate that she's so emotionally invested in getting back with this guy that she can't understand that this relationship is toxic. If someone loves and cares about you, they're not going to treat you like dirt or give you false hope when they have no intention of getting back with you. This guy's behavior is cruel and she has no way of knowing if he means what he says. He might be out sleeping with other girls and telling her he loves her at the same time. She's fixated on this ideal image of this man--not the reality. And unfortunately, it's preventing her from seeing the people that really do care for her. Like you.

The only thing you can do is explain your feelings for her. Tell her that you care for her and that you want to date. It's possible that she may not even be aware that you like her because she's letting this guy make her so miserable. You telling her about your feelings may give her a bit of a wake up call. Let her know that there are other good men out there and give her some time to think about it. If she still insists that she's stuck on this guy after a while---leave. Your absence will either make her realize how much you mean to her or she'll keep pining after her ex. Either way, at least you can stop making yourself crazy over this.

[Asker]

Thank you, I appreciate the input.

It is her first love, but I suppose I will give it a little more time and see then. Just like me and her both have said, "I wish he would make up his mind" so she can move on and I can't stop wondering.

[NMMan]

If she still retains any connection to her ex at all, in my opinion it's not worth pursuing at this point in time. You'd only be doing yourself a disservice to continue trying for this girl that's still hung up on her past.