He is acting like a completely different person!

[Pixiedust33]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have survived many ups and downs together and he consistently always told me I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. We broke up a couple of times but after a short time he came back.

He has never been able to figure out what his passion was in life. He knew what he enjoyed doing, but he couldn't seem to find what he wanted as far as a career was concerned. Well a couple of months ago he got a new job working as a car salesman. Up until that point, we had a peaceful routine. We have a daughter and we were a family. But things changed as soon as he started the new job. His work hours were very long and he saw a new found self-confidence in himself.

So now, he has broken up with me twice in the last 2 months. He started going out to the bars to hang out with his new salesman friends and he told me he needed to take some time to have fun and not be in a relationship. He said he still loves me and doesn't want anyone else. He says he is just confused.

But things have escalated now to the point where it seems the kind of life he wants isn't compatible with our relationship. He says he still wants me in his life, but he doesn't want to be tied down. I know that most of you will probably say he is just taking some time to figure things out and I should give him space. But I need more depth into what he is thinking. I mean, he seems like he is becoming a different person and I think he will regret this decision if we never work out. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to be hurt by him anymore, but if I move on then that is it. It will be over. Please help!

Updates

+1 y

Oh and by the way, he won't speak to me right now. We had a huge fight Saturday, which was weird because Friday night we had a wonderful night out together. Then Saturday, he wanted to go out with the guys to the bars and I lost it. He called me clingy

Updates

+1 y

Why won't he just talk to me and tell me his is trying to figure things out? Is he afraid I will sway him if he speaks to me? Does he have to be so cruel? I am really suffering a lot of anxiety over this.

Updates

+1 y

I'm so sad.

[maskerade]

I hate to say it but Artist is right. I'd probably go further than him and say your man seems to be acting like he's back at Uni. He's probably spending those nights down at the bar chatting about and chasing girls. He doesn't seem very mature and I think you should move on and find someone who won't put you through all this. By telling you he still wants you but acting like a single guy he's trying to have his cake and eat it. It's not good for your emotional health and I honestly think you'd be best off making a clean break. One day he'll look back and realise what his immature behaviour has cost him.

My other concern in this would be your daughter. She must be aware of the bad atmosphere even if she doesn't witness the fights and it will damage her emotionally. My housemate is a psychologist working with children in custody cases and they pick up more than you would think. For her sake you need to provide a stable home and consistent emotional support and you're not going to be able to do that if he is around and acting like an eighteen year old boy. You should put your child first - kick him out and make sure she is ok. Be aware though that if you do break up with him for good he will still need access to her so you'll need to be on good terms with each other.

How old is he?

[ArtistBboy]

Reality check:

- He has a daughter

- He said he loves you

etc

But yet he suddenly wants to go to the bars with his sales buddies; he's telling you he doesn't want to be tied down; and all of this is recently happening after his new job.

Sounds to me like the guy is throwing away a family for a social group (work buddies). Time to move on.

It's not him that's having difficulty with this- it's you; because you're going through pain. You need to realise though that while you are caring and going through torture, wondering if he even slightly cares anymore; he's out talking with his sales buddies at a venue that is usually targeted by single males (The bar).

I'm not breaking any new information to you; this is common knowledge. The fact of the matter being that you probably don't want to hear it, and I don't blame you. There's no sense in torturing yourself any longer.

~ ArtistBBoy

[Pixiedust33]

So you think I am being delusional thinking he is just confused like he says? Is he really just trying to ease his way out so that he has other people locked into his circle before letting me go?

[ArtistBboy]

I don't think you're delusional at all; I think he's keeping your emotions "tied down" while he is being a free-bird... Meaning that he's saying: "I care about you, but just not yet" and you're left with a feeling of hope that he's gonna come back around.

Love isn't like that. Especially after having a kid.

At this point, it would be a great idea to just tell him: "Have your fun, but when you want to see your daughter I'll need advanced notice, so I can bring her to you; good bye"

[Pixiedust33]

Thank you for your insight. I really needed someone to help me see the truth. I just don't understand how a person can change from one extreme to another like that. I mean, this is not like him at all. So is he just trying to gain acceptance from his peers, or is he really just a wolf in sheep's clothing? I just don't understand he justifies throwing away a life with me for something like going out because that never lasts. It gets old. Then is he going to try and come back?

[ArtistBboy]

The probability based on what I know (and what you told me); is that he started this new job and started respecting his peers, but then later into knowing these other men, he probably realised that they either "cheat" on their spouses and/or their spouses let these men do whatever they want.

So here he is- in a comitted relationship for the last 5 years; and he's thinking "wtf am I doing wrong?" where he started questioning the relationship.

- continued

[ArtistBboy]

So after he started "venturing away from you" emotionally - You started chasing him emotionally; which is something that he didn't want at the time. So he had to make a brash movement of separating with you to fulfill his desires.

In a couple of months, either you or him are going to feel lonely... Just resist it and move on.

[Littletad]

Even having a daughter with you, he still feels he can freely leave when he so pleases. I'm sorry, but your really turning into a doormat for him. Yet he comes crawling back to you when he needs to pick up the pieces. I think you need to end your suffering as Artist said. This man has no idea what he wants in life, despite being with you for five years and sharing a daughter. If anything, he seems like a lost cause. But my prediction is that you will stay with him no matter how horrible he treats you.

[Pixiedust33]

I appreciate your opinion on the situation but I don't appreciate your "prediction" on what I will do. You don't know me. Watch your step.

[Littletad]

...? Watch my step? If you took the time to pay attention, or learn about giving advice, you'd see why I said that. Here's a hint, it's not even a prediction. If you always assume the worse, and attack those who try to help, then a lost cause is eminent.