When your girlfriend talks about her insecurities?

[madmisskelly]

I won't pretend I don't have my insecurities. They mostly center around abandonment. This is the first healthy relationship I've ever had. He is amazing. He is helpful and really shows me that he cares. My insecurities have nothing to do with what he does or doesn't do, but rather years of having people going in and out of my life, being made fun of, etc.

In the past, the only notion I ever had that a guy was breaking up with me was him just stopping talking to me. So now, with anyone really, if I don't hear from someone, or I don't get a reply I will automatically assume he's going to break up with me, he's not as interested, etc.

Its not like I don't know how irrational it is, I recognize that. I've been through therapy, and at some point, therapy doesn't help anymore. Its as if I have conditioned myself to be abandoned, to expect it, to the point that even if it wouldn't make any sense for someone to leave, I can be so convinced they will.

My point is, my man and I have been dating almost 5 months, and its going really well, but I still have these insecurities. I'm afraid to lose him. I've thought of talking to him about it, and basically telling him why I may act the way I act sometimes. I don't expect him to reassure me every second of the day. This is not his problem- its mine. Its MY insecurity, but I feel as though he should know why I may overreact to some things that don't warrant it (ie embarrassment, asking how he liked something that I did) so that he doesn't think I'm being dramatic or crazy, but that I have these moments, and then they go away.

I don't need constant reassurance, but every now and then, It would be nice to be reminded how much you care, how pretty you think I am, etc.

How would this make you feel? too much?

[l-hedoniste]

"I don't need constant reassurance, but every now and then, It would be nice to be reminded how much you care, how pretty you think I am, etc."

THIS is what I want to hear. I don't mind a girl being insecure, as long as she's not some blame-shifting basket case. We need to take responsibility for ourselves, and not expect others to do our emotional work for us.

What therapy should have done is give you the self-knowledge to ask yourself, "Is this what I need, or what my *insecurity* needs?" before you do something destructive. If you're feeling needy from insecurity, you do some coping, some self-care, and you KEEP IT AWAY FROM YOUR PARTNER, because it's not their fault, they can't do anything about it, and they'll be (rightly) bewildered and hurt by being asked to. The can't fix you; don't make them try.

I'm not saying you do this--I'm confident you don't--but I know very many women who do, torching relationship after relationship like this, growing old and bitter and lonely and mean, just because they can't say "I'm hurt" or "I'm scared". Don't let it be you.

[madmisskelly]

I won't over text him when I feel like this, nor do I accuse him of cheating or take any anger out on him. I usually keep it to myself. I can kinda calm myself down a bit, and try and look at how he's been acting and what he's done recently to reassure myself.However, he's a smart guy, and sometimes, the longer we are together, its possible he may pick up on slight insecure notions.

I have an anxiety disorder (he knows about that) so that kinda complicates things.

[philipl4fun]

As a 33 year old man I can tell you that this sounds perfectly reasonable for my girlfriend of 5 months to share this with me. I can tell you this because my goal as a mature man is to make my woman happy.

I can also tell you as a former carefree, selfish 18-24 year old man that a conversation like that could be the relationship death knell. Mostly because even when guys are with a girl exclusively, at such a young age, they are still looking. It sounds horrible but guys really do suck sometimes.

Lastly this could be the conversation that takes things to the next level. If he has true character and loves you then it could be the clincher that you are willing to trust him with this stuff.

[madmisskelly]

Hes a 23 year old guy, about to turn 24. He's a pretty smart guy, and has a track record of long term relationships- about 1-2 years each. So he's usually in it for the long term. I know he's not into drama queens. So I think if I handled it calmly and just let him know what's up it may go pretty well. What do you think?

[philipl4fun]

I think it sounds like he is a good guy. I think you should share it in a way that makes it sound like he doesn't have to change his actions but that you are just looking for understanding on the subject. I guess if reacts negatively then you willk now what kind of guy he really is.

[whitewolf]

no, if anything he'll like that your opening up to him, and like you said it will give him a possible reason for later times when you act differently because of that insecurity, when stuff happens becasue of that you can tell him exactly y, and apologize, he should understand if he knows about that you fear of urs, and itll make it easier for the both of you if its out in the open

[jermzj]

hey I've been their having that feeling of your going to lose someone..like you feel it in your gut...bascially if you think its going to happen then it will. So just change your perspection on it and think of why he would stay with you!..idk if that helps but I tryed can you help me?

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