Girls, would you say yes to coffee with a guy you don’t have feelings for & have known for a year but have never seen outside a group?

[Anonymous]

Yes I would

No I would not

[nella965]

I encountered a guy who asked me if I wanted to go out to grab a cup of coffee with him. I knew him as an acquaintance / friend for a long time so I said yes. But I had no idea it was a date. When I got home after the coffee meet, I finally realized that it was a date. Guys, if you want a date, just say you're interested in her. Give her a chance to decide. I wouldn't have met up with him for coffee

[Asker]

Well, what if you ask for coffee then ask her on a date at the coffee. Or should you just state your intentions from the start and say you’d like to start with a coffee but it’s a date.

[nella965]

I think you need to get to know her first , establish some sort of good rapport with her through conversation, be a little flirty ( verbally or non verbally) and ask her if she wants coffee with you.

If you can see that she is really enjoying the conversation or that she already kinda likes you, you can just say do u wanna grab coffee? If she says yes then , say it’s a date.

It really boils down to how good your social skills are

[Asker]

I have a rapport with her and she enjoys my company but I haven't been flirty mainly because I had no feelings for her until recently.

[SpacedCharr]

Yes, but I will be clarifying that this is coffee as friends and not as a date.

I wouldn't want to lead him on.

If I've known him for that long, it's likely I'll know whether or not he's thinking it's a date. If he's clearly not treating it as a date, I won't even bring it up.

I will mention my partner somewhere in there, and watch for a reaction, though.

[Asker]

Interesting. What would you do instead of mentioning a partner if you were single? Would you mention an ex?

[SpacedCharr]

If I don't get an impression that he's interested in a relationship, I won't mention anything.

Is your goal to date this person or just go for coffee?

[Asker]

Both. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea asking for a date by text. Hence why I thought text for coffee then ask for date in person. But that might give her the wrong impression and she’d go for coffee thinking it’s just as friends.

[SpacedCharr]

Well, I mean, you can always state your intentions in person. Just do so sooner rather than later in the rendezvous and be accepting if she rejects you.

[Screenwriter]

If a woman has NO feelings for a guy, why would she go out with him for coffee? If she wasn't at least mildly interested why would she say yes? You go out for coffee with someone you like and you enjoy talking to, who you consider a friend. A coffee is a way of getting to know someone better one on one. You'd have to have interest in the person: it might be work interest, or study interest, you like to talk politics or music. A coffee should not be a "trick" date. Express interest BEFORE the coffee so the woman understands. If she's there as a friend/acquaintance and you spring a "this is a date" on her, and she's blindsided, she'll be angry. I would. It's sneaky, dishonest. These tactics cast aspersions on you and kill possibilties.

[Kora_Sweetheart]

It depends.
If he knows me I'll say yes.

If he doesn't know me and say he wants to go for a 'coffee' and I said no. I'll simply tell him:
If you know me that much you'll know that I DON'T LIKE COFFEE SO NO.
(I like coffee though)
If that's the case then the girl will think you're using her.
So make sure you know what she likes and what she doesn't!

[Anonymous]

How is this get together presented? Like a friendly get together or a semi date?
It's just coffee I don't seem the harm.

If I feel like the person asking has some interest in seeing me as more than friends and I really don't like the person or they have some sort of red flag that would make them not dateable I would avoid a one on one. If it is just no feelings at all I'd give it a try.

[Asker]

I think when a guy asks for coffee alone it’s generally a pre cursor to a date to see where things go and if you are at least compatible before actually asking for a date. What would be a red flag for you?

[Opinion Owner]

I mean if I hung in a group and a guy said something that sort of offended me. This happened to me. I'm in a meetup group and there is a man who is my age which doesn't happen a lot in this meetup. He seemed to be generally nice, easy going, and funny. At one meetup he made what I thought was an inappropriate joke about women. Since then I've noticed other jokes that seem a bit negative about women trying to control men, etc. He had asked me through the message board if I wanted to get together for dinner instead of going to the meetup because I ended up being the only one going and I told him no I was going to the movie anyway and just let that fade away. He's fine to hang out in an informal group with but not more.

[Asker]

I see. I always worry about red flags. I always think I could be giving people red flags.

[Opinion Owner]

Don't stress about it. If you think you have some red flags ask some female friends or family members if they've noticed anything that you need to change about how you are or how you are communicating.

[Asker]

Sometimes I do like doing things individually with female friends though because I find I forget how to communicate with women if I don’t.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it does help. after my divorce I started going to some interest meetups and I started interacting with men for the first time in a long time. When I was married I didn't have male friends or only male friends who were married to friends of mine or my ex husband. I've never been great at small talk with men in the first place and wasn't that great at dating before I got married. It really helped and it helped me get comfortable with men again. I haven't started dating but I have hopes for 2020.

[Asker]

I’ve been avoiding women since a really bad breakup a year ago. I’m sure it would have been worse if you were married for a long time.

[MissBollinger12]

Just be direct. People/ men with agendas are SO annoying. I’ve experienced this throughout my life , and I’ve actually ended the friendships as the lack of transparency made me so uncomfortable.

[Asker]

@MissBollinger12 interesting. So if I like someone, do you think the best thing to do is ask for coffee by text then ask them on a date at the end of the coffee if it goes well?

[Asker]

@MissBollinger12 interesting. So if I like someone, do you think the best thing to do is ask for coffee by text then ask them on a date at the end of the coffee if it goes well? Or should I just directly message her and tell her I want to date her.

[MissBollinger12]

The latter.

[Opinion Owner]

I think either way is fine. I know a lot of people don't express things openly when dating. I don't mean they lie they just withhold for awhile. It would better to know up front if she has no interest or it will be good to tell her so you don't lose the opportunity if by chance she wouldn't mind.

I actually had this discussion at a meetup should we be honest and say we like someone. One young man said hell yes. I think it is really hard for men to figure out if a woman likes them. It is like trying to understand sign language without knowing sign language.

Another woman who is 40 said it didn't work telling a man she liked them. It was usually met with them saying they didn't feel the same way. She is, also, in a different dating pool with men who are more culturally comfortable with the man being in control. It is men from a certain country. I wasn't able to convince her to date outside of that circle.
I think the age of the person sometimes determines how comfortable the conversation will go but for anyone under the age of 30 it shouldn't go poorly. The worst thing that could happen is that she isn't interested and you stay friends. It is better to learn the skill now of open communication then wait until you are older and have to try to change the behavior.

[Asker]

Thank you both for the opinions, both useful and interesting. I always worry that when you message someone something like this it’s both impersonal and comes on too strong. But then there is the other side of the argument, that doing it in person could put them on the spot and under pressure.

[SodaCheeks]

Yes, why not? Girls and guys can be friends. I have plenty of guy-friends.

[Asker]

But probably not if he has feelings for you?

[SodaCheeks]

You didn't say so in your question. If that's the case, and if he told me that or if I know by other means, then probably not. Because I wouldn't want to give him hope and make him think it's a date. If I didn't know, then yes, because I'd think he'd want to hang out

[Asker]

Is there a way you can tell a girl you have feelings without telling her?

[SodaCheeks]

By flirting, body language, by telling her best friend. There's lots of ways.

[alice55]

I would say no most likely I don't like going out and coffee is much too pricey in bar and all. I prefer keeping my money

[Jessymjr]

Mostly to be nice but it could end up you develop feelings for eachother

[Asker]

But it would be better just to be upfront and direct telling her you want a date rather than have ulterior motives?

[ksmiller]

Its just a coffee get together. I see no harm in that.

[shadowlhyn]

Of course!! why not, he is just being nice to ask you to have coffee with.. disregard the "no feelings" and just think he just want to enjoy the coffee if he have company...

[Asker]

So if he does feelings he should make that clear so as to not give her the wrong impression?

[shadowlhyn]

If he does but didn't say it too... Don't expect

[Asker]

Yes don’t expect but I think it’s right to tell a friend the truth once it happens.

[Asker]

As in catching feelings.

[wynn-ing]

Sure. If he's knows me at all, he'd know I'm not into guys lol

[dhanyashree]

Ofcourse, why not give a try if he has the guts to ask on his own? I would appreciate that

[silvermoon84]

If he was nice and I liked him as a person, absolutely! 😊

[kaylaS91]

If we were friends, I’m always down to try new coffee locales 😎

[EleanorRigby]

I would think he wants to date me so no, because I have no feelings of that sort for him.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

It's all a part of friendship to me.

[CapricornHoney]

Probably not unless I was friends with him

[Asker]

Would you consider yourself to be friends with him if you occasionally text each other and always talk one to one when you see him in the group? Then would you say yes?

[CapricornHoney]

Yes probably

[Asker]

But would you not see It as a bit suspicious that he suddenly wants to see you outside the group when you see him quite consistently in the group anyway?

[CapricornHoney]

No I wouldn’t

[Asker]

Interesting. I would have thought if a guy suddenly wants to see you outside the group you see him in often anyway, he wants to see if something develops. Like a pre-cursor to a date. I would have thought that would make most girls feel uncomfortable if they were just friends.

[CapricornHoney]

I mean if it’s set up as a date and I don’t have feelings for him then I won’t go. If it’s just two friends getting coffee then I would.

[Asker]

I don’t think coffee is a date, it’s too casual. But he might see it as a pre-cursor to a date.

[CapricornHoney]

If I knew it was for a date then I probably wouldn’t go

[Asker]

Very interesting. How would you know if he didn’t tell you?

[CapricornHoney]

I wouldn’t so I’d probably just say no

[Asker]

That’s what I thought. So unless you liked him, you’d say no regardless of him being a friend or not.

[Rica_ChicaUSA]

I don’t even like coffee, so no

[NightFlirt]

I'm not going to turn down free coffee :)

[Aiasis]

I just wouldn't feel comfortable.

[apple24]

No. I can chill

[Agem123]

If it's a date, no.