How to survive a relationship, when my girlfriend seems to have no sex drive/form of desire for sexual intimacy?

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

I 23m & my girlfriend 21f have been in a 2 year relationship & our "honeymoon" stage never happened.

I know she has scoliosis & something wrong with her uterus &/or ovaries. I know do to the possibility of her not being able to have children.

Sex has been a big issue in our relationship & has caused a lot of distress on both sides. For me it's clearly the lack of it or anything that sexual. For her it's my pestering & the pain that intercourse causes her, I'm her first partner & I'm not exactly easy for her to take (size). For half a year I stopped asking for sex & only occasionally attempted other things mainly on her. This was to ease the pressure of me wanting to have sex off her.

But now I feel she doesn't see the importance of it without me being the asshole.

I've asked her about her feelings of sex/esc. & she says she doesn't care for it.

When we do get something going sexualy she is selfish & doesn't reciprocate until the mood has been lost/the end. I've mentioned this to her but nothings changed. Oral is out of the question for me & when I do it for her it's not appreciated.

I think she can't let go when we're intimate & coupled with her not wanting to go there in the first place I don't know what to f*cking do.

Sorry for the rant, any advice would help. I'm lost

Updates

+1 y

Note not necessarily asking for medical advice, but am asking for relationship.

Updates

+1 y

Forgot to mention she is on antianxiety medication which I'm aware is a component.

[SueShe]

You are two years into a relationship that is sexless. In itself, that is no problem for those that can overcome this situation with meditation, yoga and exercise.

However, my question is whether you knew about her medical issues and lack of libido when you started dating her. If you did, then you accepted the fact that she would have issues being intimate and your ranting now is not really justified.

If on the other hand, she did not mention anything and you only found out later, then you should have an in-depth talk about your sexual life and how to remedy your issue. Best for both of you would be to consult a specialist that could help you get out of this equation.

You are not likely to be able to solve your problem by talking to GaG because none of us are really qualified to give you medical advice.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

It was the later. Only found out once in the relationship. My problem lies in the fact she doesn't seem to think it's important enough to seek medical/ General help regarding sex.

[SueShe]

I believe that people place way too much importance on sex and sex is the major cause of most relationship failures. It is sad to know that everything in life revolves around sex.

For your girlfriend, sex is not that important because it probably causes her too much discomfort and that is why she does not really want to seek medical or psychological help with this issue.

Normally, I always say that the stronger should adapt to the weaker but that does not solve your libido issue. Perhaps you can see a therapist and describe your point of view of the lack of intimacy.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Yeah, I agree with you. I too dislike sex being an issue but it's the lack of sexual intimacy, aka kissing & other forms of physical affection in that form. I still want to try to work things out but I feel that I'm the only on compromising.

[SueShe]

A relation is made of compromises but those compromises should be bilateral and never unilateral.

Write down a list of issues you think are affecting your relation and bring a concrete solution to each of the problems you are facing. These solutions have to be acceptable to both of you and must not be unrealistic.

Then, ask your girlfriend to do a similar list which is independent from yours and again, she should bring a solution that she believes is acceptable.

Then you sit together and go over each list trying to find a consensus that both can live with. Good luck.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

We've done similar. She doesn't seem to know much about sex to compromise in the bedroom. We've been in agreement that sex is something that needs to be worked on.

[GoldenCage]

You need to let go of her. Not because of her medical condition but her lack of empathy and compromise. She doesn't give you oral or practice any intimacy of any form. Hec virgins know how to please their man without intercourse. It is the willingness and lack of empathy that I don't get.

Plus you already said it is causing a lot of issues. It will only get worse with time because you two don't know how to be in a relationship. Just don't waste each other timeand mental health.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

I agree it's been on my mind to end things but I do believe I have feelings for her.

[GoldenCage]

Having feelings got nothing to do weather this is right for you or not. The only thing worse than the last two years of this is another two more years or five or six

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

That's the fear. It's a case of no take backs & that's scary shit. I'm not saying I'm in the right if anything I feel in the wrong regarding the whole situation.

[GoldenCage]

That what make people get stuck in the wrong relationship for years.. than they never trust again. The cycle of trauma!

[Miristheiss]

If you are going to be in a sexless relationship you may just need to end it. Unless you y yourself don't care about sex.
Unless she gets checked out and sees if her hormone levels are off and she needs a medical solution or therapy if there is trauma in the past and this can be overcome and she can get in drive back. If that doesn't happen... don't condemn yourself to a celibate life. End this.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

She is on antianxiety medication which has been a major component.

[Anonymous]

Personally I just wouldn't have dated her but how to survive such a relationship I truly cannot say would be easy at all. But good luck to you stranger. maybe seek a couples therapist or other professional than us on GAG 😐

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Wasn't expecting much, hoping but not expecting. Plus I think I needed to vent as well.

[that_one_girll]

Find out her love language and her secondary love language. There's 5 total. Once you find out her love language take the time to add it to your relationship. She will feel closer to you and feel more loved by you. Personally, when I feel me and my boyfriend are doing good it makes my sex drive go up.

Also, for quicker results give her a 15-20 minute back rub.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Tried that was part of the break was to communicate her love languages. Back ribs don't work...

[that_one_girll]

If she's not communicating love languages like your agreement then it sounds to me she's not fully committing. She should want to do that if she wants to make things work with you. You deserve someone who puts in their part along with yours.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Literally found out she asexual so yeah.

[Avicenna]

It's generally impossible unless you accept that (few guys would)

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

I don't disagree, but I still want to try who knows.

[Vegasrunner]

These seems like a very easy solution, dump your girlfriend and find a girl that matches your sexual needs. Problem solved.

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Lol, straight to the point. I'm not quite sure of breaking up yet.

[Vegasrunner]

If the problem is so severe, that your forced to ask for advice on forms then you know what you have to do. It may be tough but it's an easy decision and you will be happy you did it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you had an easy time with women most of your life

[Blackcupcake]

you don't seem sexually compatible...

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Right, I just want to find a compromise at the moment.

[Blackcupcake]

not sure if a compromise would be possible… at least not one that’d make both happy since she experiences pain with intercourse you said?

[MattSherman]

Flesh light?

[Shall_Not_be_Named]

Lol, true. But it's an affection thing too.

[MattSherman]

They might make a deluxe talking model?

[MattSherman]

Don’t feel bad though. One time I sucked on a girls toes and she didn’t return the favor either lmao

[MattSherman]

You can buy that