How can I forget about him?

[katestar]

Do I have feelings for him?

Updates

+1 y

I'm going to wait for him. I'm not ready to move on. That's all. I love him. I care about him a lot.

[HollyK21]

Give it time, but meanwhile, find ways to stay busy and distract yourself so that you aren’t spending too much time missing him.

[katestar]

But I can't really stop thinking about him. I can't distract myself by doing things.

[HollyK21]

You can, but I think a big part of you is holding back because you are afraid to really let him go. Working to forget him means closing that chapter for good, and if you are still struggling with your feelings for him and still want a future with him, then that only makes it harder to move on.

[HollyK21]

Of course I could be wrong, but if so, then what are the things you have actively done to help yourself move forward?

[katestar]

That's what I was thinking about. Not letting him go.

[katestar]

I don't know what I was thinking about what I'm feeling about him. I'm not ready to let him go yet.

[HollyK21]

Accepting that is the first part of taking the next step. You aren’t ready to let him go, so who is that is person to you? An ex boyfriend? Maybe someone you dated but it didn’t work out?

[katestar]

I don't like anyone else. I still have feelings for my guy friend.

[HollyK21]

Does your guy friend know you have feelings for him?

[katestar]

I told him how I felt. And he doesn't feel the same way about me. I've been having daydreams about me and him. But he has other plans for the future.

[HollyK21]

Here’s what I think would be a wise thing to do: screenshot what you just wrote, and place it somewhere you can see it. I believe what’s happened is you’ve gotten so entangled with the fantasies and daydreams of what you want, that you have lost sight of the facts. You may honestly have gotten to a point where you flat out ignore the truth, and this is so unhealthy. You have to step away from what you want, no matter how much time you’ve invested into that dream and how painful it is to let it go. Instead, read what you know is true, and use that to help you move on. In a way you’re very lucky, because you have the peace of mind that closure gives, when a lot of people never know the other persons true feelings. Now all you have to do is accept it.

[HollyK21]

You don’t have to like or want anyone else, because moving on isn’t a out jumping to the next person. Instead, take this time to heal from such a loss, and don’t even worry about other men. This time is about you.

[HollyK21]

**about not a out

[katestar]

I mean. You're right about that. I was in love with him. You didn't ask me a question about how did we meet?

[HollyK21]

I didn’t ask how you met because it felt counterproductive for me to do so. Usually how you met is a high point, and high points only fuel your desire to reminisce and question the current state of things. What I’ve learned over time is that the past is irrelevant, and the future isn’t promised. What you have is right now, present time, and if the great times of the past didn’t bring you to an equally amazing present, then it won’t help ultimately in your decision making going forward. Remember: the past is a place of reference, not residence.

[HollyK21]

Do you feel like talking about how you met would be helpful right now? And if so, then how?

[katestar]

A friend of his introduced me to him. And we've been friends since we were teenagers. I was crushing on him. I didn't know that when I was 19.

[HollyK21]

If your age is accurate, then it’s been a long time, and I imagine you’ve spent a lot of these years having love for him and wanting a future, even if you dated other men along the way. But if you know for a fact that nothing romantic is to come of your friendship, then you have no choice but to accept this. I totally understand that you don’t want to, and maybe you’re hoping he will come around. I mean you’ve invested all this time, it probably feels impossible to let go otherwise it will feel like a waste. But what you don’t want is to waste more time shackling yourself to hopes and dreams. Then you’ll be looking back in another two, five, or eight years, watching him move on and dying inside because you wasted even more time, when he had no problem being with someone else. Don’t do that to yourself.

[katestar]

I don't want to forget about him. I love him so much. I care about him and our friendship

[katestar]

I didn't date other guys. I have feelings for him.

[HollyK21]

You don’t have to forget about him, or end your friendship. But what you can do is distance yourself a bit so you have the space to move on. It’s impossible to be a good friend to someone when you don’t want to be their friend in the first place. How can you advise him on love, listen to his dating life, be a shoulder for him to cry on about other women, etc etc, when you want him for yourself? That is unnecessary torture. By making yourself unavailable to other men and mentally committing to a man who has no desire to give you what you want, what are you hoping this will accomplish?

[katestar]

Why didn't I think about this in the first place? He didn't want a girlfriend. He was homeschool. Like me.

[HollyK21]

Honestly though girl, at 32, homeschool was a very long time ago. In these years since, he’s had opportunities to be with you, especially since he knows how you feel, and he still doesn’t want a relationship. You have to acknowledge that.

[katestar]

He's a actor.

[HollyK21]

You saw what I said, right? Why is your response that he’s an actor? What’s it matter?

[katestar]

Of course I know that. I met him when I was 14 and he was 15.

[HollyK21]

Then you graduated, and you realized your loved him at 19 (unless it was sooner).. now you’re 32. Give or take thats 12 (or more) years you’ve wasted, over a decade you can’t get back. I understand he’s an actor, but actors date and have families too. At some point you have to stop rationalizing and making excuses for him, because that makes it harder to accept what you already know. Even if he’s single right now, what will you do once he’s not anymore? You will look back at this time and be hurt and angry. You’ll keep wondering why it’s not you when it was always him.

[HollyK21]

If you’re content going through this suffering, then there’s really nothing else to be done. You’re not going to forget about him because you won’t let him go, and you won’t feel better because you refuse to give yourself the space to heal from him. You are your own worst enemy in this situation but you’re also your own solution.

[katestar]

Okay. I'll do it. I'll think about it.

[HollyK21]

That sounds good, and I genuinely hope that your thoughts lead you to choosing yourself. Heartache gets exhausting after a while, and I think it’s about time to start feeling happy again and start experiencing life without so much sorrow.

[katestar]

Actually. I take that back. He's 33. I'm 32. He was one year older than me.

[HollyK21]

Nothing to take back, all you said was that you met when you were 14 and him 15. You never said your age but it’s listed under your username.

[katestar]

I'm sorry I'm 32.

[HollyK21]

I understand. Good luck with whatever choice you make, and if you need help feel free to refer back here.

[katestar]

Actually. There is one thing that I wanted to ask you.

[HollyK21]

Sure, what’s tour question?

[HollyK21]

**your

[katestar]

How did I fell for him?

[HollyK21]

To be honest, that may be a question that only you can answer. You said you met him at 14 but didn’t realize your feelings until 19, so think about what was happening in that time to make your feelings grow. Maybe it was talking often, or maybe he was giving you attention when no one else was. Maybe he was nicer than other boys, or funnier. It can be any amount of things, but at the end of the day, how you fell for him doesn’t really matter. What matters is that your feelings have kept you from seeing any other man in a genuine way for 10+ years.

[katestar]

How do I do that? I've never dated anyone. But I've been single for a long time. And so Is he. He lives in Los Angeles CA.

[HollyK21]

How do you date other people? There’s many ways, but you should act within your comfort level. A good piece of advice I’d give is to try and meet men where you would want your boyfriend to be at any given time. Where that place is would be up to you.

[katestar]

I can't date other guys. The only guy who cares about me is my guy friend. As a friend.

[HollyK21]

When you say can't, it’s because you don’t want to, right? Just want to clarify.

[katestar]

Do you want to ask me what is his name?

[HollyK21]

You can tell me if you want. But look Kate, I’d you can’t date other guys simply because you don’t want to, then that is a personal choice, and you will never get the chance to be in a happy relationship. No other guy cares for you right now because you don’t give anyone the chance to. Feelings have to grow in order to care, so how can that happen if you aren’t giving a new guy the time of day? Actions have consequences.

[HollyK21]

**if you can’t date other guys

[katestar]

His name is Brandon thane wilson.

[HollyK21]

I’m sure he’s a nice guy..

[katestar]

He is. He's a sweet and funny guy. The guy friend I like.

[HollyK21]

But you are thinking of moving on, correct?

[katestar]

No. I'm not ready to move on.

[HollyK21]

That’s ok, maybe you will be one day in the future☺️

[katestar]

I love him as a friend. I feel angry and hurt about this.

[HollyK21]

I understand, but you aren’t helping yourself by committing to him like a girlfriend. If you don’t want to move on that’s ok, it’s your choice, but I think it’s unfortunate to choose wasting more of your life.

[katestar]

I'm not wasting my life. I'm sorry about that. It's just that I've been alone for a long time. I'm still in love with him.

[HollyK21]

When I say wasting your life, I mean love life, and I apologize if that has not been clear from the start of our conversation. I guess the moral of the story here is that if you are deciding you are still going to stay single and wait for him, then that’s your choice, and there’s nothing else to be done.

[katestar]

Hey there. It's me. I have to say something about this.

[HollyK21]

Sure, what’s going on?

[18Uma21]

Think about the things that will distract you for sure

[18Uma21]

You can physically move on, it's just your mind that tells you otherwise. Mind is much weaker than body. You can fall in love with someone else by tricking your mind too. But I don't recommend falling in love

[katestar]

I can't stop thinking about him. I'm still in love with my guy friend.

[18Uma21]

First of all you should not say that. Whatever you say your mind believes. Sometimes you gotta be disrespectful for your own feelings and know that they actually don't exist and you're the one who makes them up. I'm sorry I sound a little harsh

[katestar]

It's fine. You're fine. What you said about that makes sense.

[18Uma21]

🙏🏻🙏🏻

[katestar]

I have a good question.

[18Uma21]

Yes?

[katestar]

I've been thinking about what you said about making my decisions about my feelings for him. You're right about that.

[18Uma21]

I'm very happy to hear that

[katestar]

I've decided that I'm staying true to my feelings for him. I don't care about my feelings for him and my friendship with him. I'm still in love with him. I'm not wasting my life and love life. I'm going to stay true to my feelings.