For as long as I remember I've had anger issues work goes on the vernacular of just full out rage. I think it's stems from my father was a very angry and abusive person who would get mad at the drop of a hat and just start screaming and hitting at you for the most trivial things. My earliest memory is when I was 3 years old and I said the word damn at first he laughed and then when I said it again like a switch went off and his brain and he just got filled with rage and started hitting me and screaming. I feel like it gets worse over the years like every little thing can make me angry and it scares me the level of anger I have. And fits of rage I've hit my cats and I immediately regret it and start crying and beg them to forgive me. I'm going to therapy with the intent of controlling my anger but the level of anger I have scares me and I don't think my therapist understands. Like I fantasize about beating someone to death and All the rage just leaving my body if I did that. I feel like a monster. And like sometimes I feel it's better off if I'm dead. like I feel like maybe my dad broke something in my brain because all I knew is rage. Am I a psychopath? The thought of that scares me the thought of hurting someone scares me. That's why I don't have children because I'm afraid I'll do to them what my dad did to me. I feel like there's something wrong with my brain and I want to be better because I know this level of anger rage or whatever is really not healthy. But what's wrong with me and can I be fixed? Or am I broken? I want to be better but I don't know what's wrong with me. And I get scared I'll never be better. Why am I like this?
Whats wrong with me?
