I’ve been wondering about this for a while now. I’ve noticed that from my past experiences as well as today I feel the most attracted to the men who look a bit intimidating,
it doesn’t mean they have to be bad guys, they can be the sweetest people in person but I like when they have this intimidating look, dominant and careless gaze, even hostile.
I rarely entrust people, I even slept with knife at some point in my life but when I met my ex, I felt like I didn’t have to sleep with knife anymore, I didn’t have to worry about anything, I could cross the street with the closed eyes when he was next to me. And that was amazing, because I had trust issues and never trusted people. It felt like I finally felt free when I leaned on someone to trust them.
Before meeting him I always acted like a “tough” girl, tomboyish even, but when I met him I could just finally relax and be myself, at my most feminine and weakest and it was such a great feeling, a feeling of freedom to not be scared to be who you truly are, because you have someone who can be all the tough things. When I look at the pictures of me standing next to him, it’s like another person looking at me, my confident look was no longer needed and I looked like I was at my most feminine.
Now after break up I still have to pull up this tough and confident look, because I am all by myself now and it’s my own responsibility to get rid of the creeps, unwanted attention or just protect my heart from being hurt.
But always when I am outside I tend to be attracted to men who have this kind of physique and the similar eyes - very cold, even scary and I feel the most attracted to them. I’ve noticed they tend to be quite attracted to me as well. I don’t know why do we feel this mutual attraction? And why do I feel weak in my knees when I find a man intimidating haha
There must be a reason.
I find that "wounds control", and so maybe a deep wound for you is fear and being belittled. By wound I mean... emotional programming... something at was emotionally powerful or repeatitive enough. It's really... familiarity in the sub conscious mind.
That may be part of it... doesn't have to be in your life, patterns can be passed on generationally (I suspect, not sure that's science fact, but Bible indicates).
As well..."trust"... formed at an early age 0-2 can be screwed up... you can end up "not trusting", but end up trusting the wrong people. That is an element of a trust wound, which to me would mean some sense of "lack of self worth".
Look in society and you'll see people that "serve" powerful evil people as the others have power over them, they are controlled by... fear? those whom ran nazi death camps as example. People did things and felt ok doing it. They are controlled by the wounds imposed, or chosen.
The more sensitive a person is, the more one might be easily influenced by others, thus "hurt" and controlled by negative emotion. Eventhough is "scary" or bad, might feel good since it's powerful. Maybe scary people seem powerful and that makes you feel secure to be on their side. An element to that is you aren't grounded in "God is love". You are under the power of the world, the adversary. Jesus of Nazareth dealt the final blow to this flaw, but you have to believe it to get it.
consider what you will, my suspicions...
I have a very masculine father and a brother, however, my dad is a man who liked fighting in his youth and was good at it. So, my mom was always scared that when he would go out dad would get in a trouble, so to make sure he would be in trouble he always told me “He why not go out with your dad, I am scared about him going out alone”.
I knew for a fact that dad was strong but so many worries of my mom made me think that maybe it was me who was the protector, maybe it’s me who was even stronger than a dad because mom was obviously thinking I could protect my dad. That’s what I thought. I made it my habit to always follow my dad around. He found it cute and fun, for me though, it changed into a mission. I would sometimes quietly get scissors and go out with him even without him knowing, just in case he needed my protection.
This way I was never relaxed, I was always for the lookout of danger, and ready to strike a knife to anyone who dared to come close us.
My dad was scared of nothing, the less he was scared the more scared I was though, because I felt like it was my responsibility to protect him.
I never showed it, I acted as if I just enjoyed walking by his side.
He found it amusing and sweet that his daughter liked spending time with hum.
Only later in life he realized he made a mistake, I was 18, burglers came home and my dad went out to scare them away, I was studying when I heard mom shouting my dad’s name, I thought something happened to him, I took out the biggest kitchen knife and run after burglers. It was darkness. In the darkness someone caught my hand so strong it almost bled, it was my dad, seems like burglers already were running away and i was just a few meters away from them with my huge knife, if not my dad I would think they harmed him and I would probably do something horrible.
I was tired of that though. I was tired of protecting everyone from a young age.
I feel like it was my mom’s mistake, my dad never needed protection, he was very strong, exceptionally strong man.
I must have felt safe, but I was raised thinking it was my responsibility to protect and it was so so tiresome.
At this point I just want to have someone who I deem to be so strong that I can step down and just close my eyes and relax.
It sounds like you did the digging work and understand why. Attraction is sub conscious and you are effectively... doing what you were trained to do. Whatever is emotionally engaging and repeated is what is ingrained as "right", familiar... and that's what will give you those "feelings".
So you will have to do some therapy on your inner child to reprogram, release the power of any oaths you made. You can practice by engagin people whom are not scary, engaging people whom are maybe hurt, or meek. and the person you choose... you may not have "feelings" for, but build a love for them.
if you readup on the sub conscious mind, you'll see what you are dealing with and find techniques to change.
That's what it is... prayer, meditation, repetition, getting the old stuff out and re-imaging it. Your brain will re-wire if it is challenged and you have an unfading vision for what you want.
This is the human condition... maybe even dog, cat, dolphin, etc.. we're all programed. When we find we don't like that programming, it no longer works for us, then change is required.
Yep, I always realized my patterns and tried to dig and get to know myself better. I know myself, I know where things come from.
You hit the spot on, I was kind of trained to be this way, that’s what I’ve thought, I sometimes feel like I was trained to be very protective, it ended up with me being ruthless when it’s about protecting my family.
However, it’s exhausting. If only you knew how amazing and peaceful it felt to just close my eyes and entrust my ex fiance, it was domething I’ve never done as before meeting him it was always me protecting everyone and that’s not who I truly was, deep down I was just a scared little girl, putting up the face of a tough girl, who I never was. I would much rather live a life of a princess because I was always very sweet, empathetic, gentle and kind, being this violent protector on the lookout of danger has never been my true personality, I guess with every strong man I get a feeling that they would be able to make me feel peaceful and I wouldn’t have to be the protector with them. For this I am only attracted to the strongest if them, cause my dad and brother are quite strong themselves but that was at some point not enough for me to feel safe, to the contrary my mom trained me to protect them.
you are touching on the roots... everything has emotional power, in this case sounds like fear. It may be helpful to explore what created this scenario in your parents. Why was your father so protective. Plenty strong men don't go around behaving like that... he was extreme.
Conquering emotions requires an adult mind to reprocess what the child experienced and reframe it into the emotions you want, your vision, releasing the old power that no longer serves you.
There's a reason Faith in Christ, etc. etc.. has benefit, and this is one. If you look at these stories emotionally, Christ dealt with the "fall of mankind"... an emotional fall from love to separation from God... shame, fear, malice, envy greed, spite, lust, jelousy, etc.. So in essence, by faith, you can function from your higher self... drawing from the "good root" of Christ, instead of the fragmented ones from the world which often revolve around "fear".
Granted... there is a real physical world we have to deal with and accept, and so there is a balance... we can't be "nice" to devils, we have to be spiritually powerful, mature, and sometimes lethal.
Putting a new frame around this, being at peace (various religions try to address this) inside, etc... these are all tools to get you to a better viewpoint, so you aren't controlled by the old programming... that had some flawed or unintended consequences to those roots.
Meditate, pray, repeat what you want, etc.. all good...
You are in a battle now with your 800lb gorilla programmed mind... like all of us.
Note: the path to progress... is often... suffering! So come up with some ways to suffer and challenge yourself, so you will grow.