Coworker first few months were: told me she had a boyfriend then proceeded to flirt with me (compliments “You’re an angel, you’re sharp, you’re photogenic,” , collar fixing, commenting on my outfits and then coming into my cubicle touching my forehead once lingering 3-4 seconds “You’re wearing casual? Are you sick?” Following me in the parking lot, and just generally trying to get my attention (she’s young, cute, tends to get a lot of male attention but I’m pretty impersonal and task oriented by nature so it was odd when she went from 0 to flirty.)
Long story short I put myself in friendzone unintentionally; I told her my non platonic interest within a month of her friend requesting me and she said “message me.”
DMing 7ish weeks was one-sided, so I pulled away. My intent was to just only talk about work and not chase someone uninterested and unavailable. Yet ever since then when I give her space she keeps trying to reel me back into some kind of friendly personal connection. I got mad at her for yanking my chain in weird ways (interrupting my work to offer me her old clothes?) and she pushed me away, unfriended, said she’d only “talk about work.” Then 20 days later she’s cornering me mentioning mutual friends and hobbies.
She was leaving notes and drawings in my cubicle and pulling work emails back to DMs. So I reiterated 6 months ago that my interest is non platonic and contingent. I owned up to maybe misleading her with the DMing. She insisted she’s just after “platonic friendship.”
Yet still makes gestures. Checking on my health after I’m out sick and offering tea. Interjecting when I talk with others and drawing attention to our shared hobbies. Saying “I like that too!” Asking me to do a gratuitous favor for her that she really didn’t need help on and going out of her way to thank me afterward when I basically did nothing.
Why try to push this friendzone on me? After such a short lived and flimsy connection? When I’ve given major space for months.
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Damn dude, that is super weird behavior from her. I dunno why she's trying so hard to force this "friendship" when you've made it clear you're not interested in just being friends.
A few possibilities I can think of:
- She likes the attention you give her even if she's not into you romantically. So by keeping you as an "orbiter" she still gets compliments and validation.
- There could be some game playing or ego thing where she wants you to keep chasing after her as a "friend" even if she won't give you a chance as more.
- Maybe she's into you on some level but isn't ready to admit it or act on it. So she does these flirty borderline gestures hoping you'll stick around.
In any case, it's disrespectful to lead you on like that when you've been very clear about your intentions. I'd say keep your distance as much as you can at work. Don't do any favors or small talk with her. If she asks why, politely but firmly say you're not comfortable being friends after what happened.
Stick to strictly professional only. She'll either back off or maybe realize she does actually like you. But don't give her the attention or satisfaction of keeping you around. You deserve better than games and mixed signals bro.
Appreciate the perspective man. I feel like if it were about attention and validation she’s been weirdly persistent. I gave her some for about 7 weeks a long time ago but I’ve pretty much ignored her for like a year at this point. No compliments and few favors, not even idle chitchat. But she still occasionally pokes a toe in my waters without me giving her much to work with. Whatever she’s after she’s persistent lol.
Yeah dude, her persistence is definitely strange if it's just about attention or validation at this point. She seems way too invested for that to be the only reason.
A few possibilities I could think of:
- She's got some kind of crush or attachment to you that she can't fully let go of, even if it's not intentional on her part. Some chicks just get fixated.
- There could be an ego or control thing where she wants to prove she can still get a reaction out of you after all this time, even if it's a small one.
- Possibly she likes the challenge of the "chase" since you're not giving in or playing her games. Makes you a more appealing target in a weird way.
- Could be some jealousy or insecurity if she senses other girls are into you now too.
Whatever her deal is, she clearly has some issues respecting boundaries. I'd just keep staying cold and professional. Don't give her anything to latch onto or read into. Be polite but boring - do NOT let her flirt or bait you in any way. She'll get tired and move on eventually. Not worth wasting brain space analyzing her, you know?
You must truly just give zero shits that she’s in a relationship and unavailable. Here is the cold hard truth — you are misinterpreting her behavior. Some women and men’s re just naturally flirtatious, I know that as a libra I definitely am. But it doesn’t mean there’s any intent behind it or that they even notice they’re doing it, and I say this from years of living as this sort of person. You need to respect her relationship, and if you can’t do it then move along. You’d be in absolute shambles having a woman like her as a girlfriend you’d never rest.
Appreciate the brutal honesty. I tend to be detached and am generally calculating and so being a flirty flirt who does things for fun without much intent is kind of a foreign way of operating to me.
Not meaning to misinterpret her but she comes off kind of reflective at times but maybe I’m just projecting my kind of thought onto her.
I truly don’t mean for my honesty to come off as brutal, I’m just fairly blunt with my point of views.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand exactly how this sort of personality can come off, if she seems flirty or touchy, she’s checking in on you and maybe altogether it can transfer as romantic interest. However from my perspective, the qualities of her’s you listed are also those of a female friend.
In opposite sex friendships I believe that there are things you’d do with a woman that you won’t do with a male. For example, your guy friend isn’t going to touch your forehead for an illness-related joke or offer to bring you tea. A woman will care enough to offer, she’ll care enough to ask about your outfits, even your dating life and make conversation out of topics that two men would never discuss. These are just things you can expect from a female friend.
I’ve always said that it’s nearly impossible for purely platonic friendships to take place from start to finish without one of these being the case. One or both are gay, one or both are in a relationship, or one is attracted to the other with the feeling not being mutual. You’re in a place where you cannot be her friend because of your romantic feelings. I actually doubt you’d want any connection with her if it isn’t going to lead to something, which I truly hope isn’t the case but if it is then please don’t do that. You could leave her alone quietly without going out swinging.
You’re right, I never would have gone out of my way to interact with someone who checks off 85/100 romantic boxes if not for her coming into my space it seemed repeatedly. And I told her very quickly after she friend requested me about the non platonic nature of my interest.
I messaged her for a while getting to know her I hoped but when it proved non reciprocal I backed away.
She still does this stuff too after us having a falling out bc I got mad at her yanking my chain I felt at work and reiterating my position 6 months ago.
I feel like I’m trying to leave her alone but she keeps on prodding at me; it’s like the more I withdraw that just makes her want my attention more…but it’s always been her going after my attention; in the one who has consistently given space. Hence my frustration heheh
One thing you may not realize is that these are all your “feelings” and your own interpretations of what her behavior means. Notice how whenever you’ve even elude to wanting more or being romantic interested, she withdraws. To you, that’s her yanking your chain when she’s only maintaining boundaries out of respect and love for her boyfriend.
I mean no offense with this but I feel like you’re playing this one-sided game that she’s an unwilling participant in and gets iced out by you when things aren’t going your way. She’s not on the market, and I understand that’s frustrating and disappointing because she checks off so many of your boxes but it is what it is. You shouldn’t be disregarding her relationship how you are, treat her like a single woman or expect her to eventually leave her relationship because you want her for yourself. I don’t know when your last serious relationship was, but if you’ve been single for a long time then you probably forgot what it feels like and forgot that level of respect you’d want another man (or anyone really), but it’s something you should familiarize yourself with again so you can understand how inappropriate/trifling your mindset when dealing with this woman is.
I think that she’s made it clear enough where she stands, which you can respect or not but if I were you I wouldn’t punish her. It’s just not fair, she didn’t do anything wrong but be unavailable to you. Ignoring her or icing her out is a very immature way of handling your feelings. I once read a quote that said “your feelings are valid your behavior is not”, and I think that applies here.
**that level or respect you’d want another man to show
because she wants to be friends.
I’ve told her though I’m not satisfied with mere friendship and to let me know if she’s ever available.
And what little digital pen pal stuff she offered I didn’t feel was friendship.
I mean it’s just weird to me to push that hard in the beginning with the flirtiness and to then chase after my “friendship” after literally 6 months—1 year of me being coldly professional…. and explicitly saying twice is like to get to know her non platonically if she’s ever available.
Like I’m going to just hang around pretending or just “get over it”. None of my friends have ever pushed that hard without me reciprocating for so long.