How can I stop assuming the worst about women when I try dating?

[Anonymous]

I was one those “nice guys” growing who always give the woman the benefit of the doubt and hoped for the best. 4 out of 5 times I had to find out the hard way that the ugly truth was the truth whenever I had a doubt. My gut is right at least 80% of the time. But not always. There were a few rare women who actually appreciated and respected me for who I was romantically.

Anyway about 5 years ago I had a grown woman (year older) absolutely blow the friendzone bs out of the water. There were several bad signs I ignored on this. I usually date younger women and ironically would have tolerated far less from them. But I gave her leeway because she was older and I figured a grown woman would know better then to pull that bs. But I was dead wrong. I did eventually call her out, cut her off and never looked back on it. But I got the heinous truth out of her on our final interaction. She really was 100% confident I would have been “okay” being an orbiter. Grown ass woman in her late 30s who still think she can get away with that. Insane.

She was the last woman I really put any legitimate effort into “courting”. Since then it has been all flings and short term engagements. I want something meaningful for once but am so paranoid about getting burned again. It’s a respect issue.

***Please don’t post some bs about “nice guys do this wrong” or some other crap. I know damn well how that works. But I want to do things right for once vs. having to bang a girl right away to “show where I stand”.

[DishLady]

It may take some effort at first but remember this person hasn’t done anything to offend you and deserves the benefit of the doubt. I’d she’s doing something that’s putting you on edge, have a sit down and explain yourself to her openly.

[Asker]

The last woman was the type to gaslight me and play games. She was good at it. She would “throw bones” when she sensed I was drifting away.

I was hoping she would apologize to me on our final conversation but instead she doubled down which made it much easier to cut her off. She was 100% confident that I would keep going with her bs because I was a “nice guy”.

It’s not the lack of sex/intimacy that upset me. It’s about being disrespected. I burns very deeply and I don’t want experience that bs dynamic ever again. I’ve had it happen several times in my life but that last incident was the straw that broke the camal’s back.

But you are right about speaking up earlier.

[DishLady]

What does this have to do with a new girl you choose to be with in the future?

[Asker]

I’ve had variations of this happen to me at least 5 times in my life. I put the emotional, time and heart investment into dating a woman the right way only to have her try to “friendzone” me.

That’s far worse then having her straight up say “I think you are good man. But the truth is I don’t have feelings. I think we need to go our separate ways.” Instead they are subtle about this bs because they don’t want the attention and validation to go away if they speak up.

I used to think this was a young persons dilemma. Then I met (more then one) grown women in their 30s who attempted that crap. I was sexual with all of them at one point. But when they decided it wasn’t going to work out they were “confident” I would be okay being just friends. I didn’t accept it of course. But it has to do with not feeling respected as a real man that’s a deep insult. They don’t have to date me of course. But they don’t respect my position and I had to get tough with all of them and say “goodbye and good riddens”. I would not be that way if I felt like my feelings were respected to begin with.

[DishLady]

Then it’s time to take five — stop dating for a bit and reboot to help realign your values and assessment of women so you don’t keep falling for the same trap.

[Asker]

I am in a bad mood today. Wasn’t writing this post clear headed.

Anyway thanks for your feedback.

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to be in therapy. And to just not be in a relationship at this point. At all.

[Asker]

It’s funny how women so casually throw out “you shouldn’t be in a relationship” when it’s coming from POV where they think dating is the same way for guys as it is for them.

You not completely wrong and I don’t think you mean that to be condescending (I hope).

But your reality is not the same as mine. You don’t realize it but you have a lot more wiggle room and options compared to your male equivalent. A lot more when all else is equal.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s not about me or the options I have. It’s about you not putting your emotional baggage onto others. You just need to talk your problems out with a professional. Seems like you just want to be heard and understood more than anything.

[Asker]

You mean well. And you are not wrong about psychotherapy. But again my reality is far different then yours when it comes to options.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Don't project your mentality and feelings unto others.

The way you think and feel is what you most likely will attract into your life.

[Asker]

You got a point there. But has to work the risk/reward ratio. At a certain point if activity results in more pain then pleasure humans give up on it.

It used to be much more optimistic when I was younger.

[HelpfulWoman]

therapy frankly.
because you're not a nice guy. unless you just mean the fake ones

[Asker]

I do not “act nice” with an expectation of being romantically and sexually rewarded. No and hell no. I know that’s disingenuous and I’ve known that for a very long time.

It’s a respect issue. It’s like when a woman knows I’m interested in her and yet she talks about other men thinking she can confidently get free therapy from me. That’s insulting.

[JonCobretti]

Assume the worst, always