Why are women so dismissive when it comes to actual dating?

[Anonymous]

Any problems I have in dating I automatically try to see what I'm doing wrong and try to improve but it's like my efforts never bear anything worthwhile. I feel like women write me off before even getting a chance to know me. My phone is a just a block of ignored texts, it's very difficult to get a date. Usually I'll meet an attractive woman and we'll have some banter, maybe a laugh or two and afterwards I'll get their number to meet up for a date. I'll usually text them within 24 hours and say something along the lines of "Hey [name], great meeting you. Would love to grab a drink with you next week. What's your schedule like?" and then it's radio silence. After no response for more than a day because I figure she wasn't interested I delete their number and move on. It happens so much that I replay every part of the interaction in my head to see if I did or said something wrong. Sometimes I can get nervous talking to women I'm interested in but I don't think my nerves dictate my behavior so much that it's a turn-off. To start I'm not rude or crass, my interactions with attractive women are playful and fun at best and friendly at it's worst. I'm not an Adonis but I think I'm physically attractive, I'm often told I'm very athletic or muscular and that I have good style. Despite this women aren't interested in me. I feel different from the typical man (especially internally) I hear a lot of women describe or complain about but it's like they couldn't care less and they just rather complain. I think a lot of these women would be very interested if we went on a date but getting a date is like pulling teeth while it for everyone else it seems fun and effortless. I'm at my wit's end. I've planned a trip to Europe for a couple months to see if things are any better in terms of dating cause I want to be in a relationship who values me as much as I value them. I'm tired of being told I'm the problem when I literally work on myself everyday.

Updates

9 mo

I was feeling really low so I impulsively posted this and didn't put much thought into it. Thanks for the answers, I think some were onto something, others just dismissively overly simplifying and some just seemed like trolls.

[hahahmm]

Imagine if you walked into a biker gang bar where there is a smoking hot looking woman. Do you think you would have a chance with her? Probably not. But she could still let you buy her free drinks, steak or say pleasant things to her for an hour. It doesn't mean there's something 'wrong' with you. It means you're wasting time on the wrong women. Also, right now you probably feel like a beggar. Like you need a woman almost as much as life itself. You don't. The best time to find a woman is when you're not actually looking. Assuming you're looking for someone worth more than 1 night.

Maybe learn to train your mind not to give so much attention to women based on their looks too. I'm NOT saying you can't have standards. Just that when you focus too much on that you're more likely to overlook stuff you shouldn't. These women are considering way more than how you look so don't feel bad when you do the same. Realize that your time is valuable. I mean, if I told you you could spend 20 hours looking for a woman & not finding one or spend 20 hours making an extra $5k or $10k or just enjoying time doing your favorite hobby, wouldn't it be crazy to do the 20 hours thing? So get your priorities together. When you have them right, women will be drawn to you. Maybe not the same women you previously went for but still, you will have good ones to pick too.

[Anonymous]

Abundance of options. Women are to dating as participation trophies are to today's youth. When you know you're going to get a participation trophy you don't have to put forth any effort. To quote one pink G@Ger on here "men are like busses, there'll be another one along in 20 minutes". We'll if a person has mentality she never has to put forth any effort. Because "so what if it doesn't work out", she says. " I'll get another shot in 20 more minutes". This is also why women don't have to invest anything today. Because boredom, it getting stale is fair game to end it and start over. I'm for equality but this is one major drawback of feminism. It tells women there justified even when they're clearly acting self destructive.

[Asker]

I agree, the lack of effort is disheartening. So do I stop trying and die? Things seem futile nowadays.

[Opinion Owner]

I think it comes down to you and how you feel about dating. I've said before the vast majority of top quality women are married off by 25. I'm not saying what's left is trash. But probably about 50% of them are. Some of those women still need to mature a bit still and learn what it means to form a healthy relationship. My personal opinion is if a woman hasn't found a healthy partner by 35 she simply doesn't know how, probably will never know how, or simply doesn't want to put forth the necessary effort to have a healthy relationship.

You can do what you like. But only give effort the women are willing to put forth with me. Yes it's POSSIBLE you miss out on the couple remaining good women left that are just shy. But it'll allow you to avoid the vast number of narcissists and time wasters that remain.

I can't answer this one for you man. Only you know how important dating is to you. I'm fine to wait for the rightbperson to come along. And I'm also fine with being single for the rest of my life if need be. You might not be that way.

[Opinion Owner]

You have to understand women in general judge men by every mistake SHE'S ever made. So the older you get generally the more hostile that f***ed up women become. They're just simply not worth dealing with if you ask me. And after 40 the rules change. Before 40 women are the prize after 40 men are the prize. Women don't like hearing that, but it's reality none the less.

[Alli39]

Lowkey you might just be hitting on the wrong girls. They might have been interested and change their minds, simply not cared much, etc. I'm really not sure tbh since usually if I give a guy my number I'll at least respond and tell him I'm not interested if I've changed my mind. Maybe try meeting people in different settings? You might just been in an environment where the people present aren't looking to date so much as hook-up or are just looking for temporary attention. It's hard to tell. It's honestly a bit weird in my opinion for you to be able to get numbers but not responses, especially if it's a regular thing. On a dating app sure, but irl, less so. (Then again, I don't exactly date a lot. I mostly base my opinions on what I've seen from the people around me and this experience doesn't really line up with that.)

[nastyb]

I will be honest. Its because you really haven't established any sort of real rapport with her. Its the same way with me when i go out to try to make new friends. We exchange numbers and usually never message each other ever again. There needs to be an incentive to contact each other. Otherwise we won't do it.

It may also be that attractive women have plenty of guys chasing them so you're just another guy in their inbox. you're probably not that attractive either which is why theyre not picking you over othet guys.

[nastyb]

If you say attractive and yet you still can't get any women, it might mean you're pursuing women that are out of your league. you're gonna need more than just "looking kinda good" to score a woman who is a 9 or a 10.

[Asker]

Jesus, I thought the build rapport was a good caveat but are you trying to make me feel bad? They’re super interested until I ask them out. I’m not Brad Pitt but I’m also not a dumpster fire.

[nastyb]

@Asker

Im not trying to make you feel bad. But if no woman texts you back then you are probably doing something wrong. You might feel youve established rapport but it doesn't mean she feels it too. She might also see that you're not being yourself. A lotta guys pretend to be smooth and charismatic. Sometimes people can see through that. And lastly, your standards may be too high for your own good. There are many women who would be GLAD to be asked for their numbers.

[Asker]

The number rating system is so childish honestly and I don’t think that’s the problem here. I’m not hitting above my weight class, I’ve dated very beautiful women before some were models. I don’t think physical features is the problem but I think you’re onto something with building rapport.

These women I’m approaching are typically women I’m passing on a sidewalk so the interactions are a couple minutes long, maybe I need to try to extend it a bit.

[Asker]

I see. Well I don’t know how else to act. I just talk to them like I would talk to a friend and throw in a bit of flirting, nothing crazy or extra. My standards are someone who takes care of themselves, is fun to be around and has good values and morals. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for.

[nastyb]

@Asker

The thing you need to realize is attractive women get approached A LOT. If you're asking her for her number, im sure there are also plenty of other guys trying to talk to her on the streets.
So you're gonna need more than just a
" hi, how are you. You look so cute. I would love to get your number".
She has a plethora of options which is why you're just another guy in her inbox. She doesn't have to pick you

[nastyb]

@Asker

I don't know you but you're only going for women who tend to get hit on a lot. So it leads me to believe that your standards might be on the higher end. But just understand that there is immense competition for beautiful women. You might be able to score one eventually but its gonna take a very long time.

On the other hand, I know plenty of average looking women would be overjoyed that a guy asked for their number.

[Asker]

Where do you get that implication that's the only women I'm going for? I didn't describe the women at all. Also I just listed all my standards, which one of those is high? Keep in mind this is strictly cold approach on the literal street cause I'm trying to meet women outside of dating apps, friend groups and bars. If someone catches my eye I just go up and talk to them, I'm not thinking she's out of my league or she's average. If anything I just want to see if we click.

[nastyb]

@Asker

honestly the average women who gives her number to a guy - would reply to his messages. My guy friend asked for a woman's number at whole foods. They texted and scheduled a date this week. It really wasn't that hard for him. If a guy asked for my number, I would reply to his texts if I were interested. If I am not that into him , I likely wouldn't put in a lot of effort or try to look for an escape route. Or if I"m disgusted by him, I would flat out just not give him my number.

So if nobody wants to text you back, there are 2 possibilities:

1. they do not think you're attractive.
2. they have plenty of options.

"approaching" technique focuses a lot on physical appearance because the other party knows absolutely nothing about you.

[nastyb]

you can't insist that you are attractive, charismatic, sexy, smooth, suave, takes initiative YET nobody wants to talk to you. It does not work that way. If nobody wants to talk to you, you're doing something wrong.

And here's a good way to gauge your attractiveness.
do you do well on dating apps? if the answer is a no, you're not attractive.
do girls get crushes on you at school or at work? if not, then no you are not attractive.
do you catch people checking you out in public? if not, then no you're not attractive.

[Asker]

Thanks Nastyb, I appreciate your suggestions but it’s like you’re ignoring everything I’m saying.

[nastyb]

@Asker

I find it funny how you agree with all the posts written by men but argue with every post written by women, including mine.

I think you secretly know what you're doing wrong, you're just too ignorant to admit it.

Take a look at the best answers- we all have the same / similar opinions on why nobody is interested in talking to you.

[Asker]

I was having a bad day and impulsively vented but I feel like there's a few things you're trying to make stick. I was giving you details you just completely skipped over. This isn't a gender thing, I honestly wanted to hear from the women more. Thanks for trying to help out but don't get mad cause I didn't think your particular answer to be the diagnosis.

[nastyb]

@Asker

My answer was literally the same as all the other best answers. Its just that you seem to enjoy arguing with women for giving the exact same answer as the men on here

[EricSummer]

You get their numbers which is already a good thing. With your text message I think your suggestion of a meeting is too quick and straightforward.

Do not put too mch into the message. So you first write that it was nice meeting her and then something from your conversation that she also remembers for example how she works in trading in liquefied natural gas and seemed really passionate about it. Or that you rediscoveted that old song you liatened to and can't get it out of your mind now.

The hurdle for the first reply is the highest. Do not make her decide on meeting you there. Let it go back and forth a few times before cutting to the chase.

Do not worry if her answers are hours apart as long as it's not more than a full day. You can haul her in with about four steps (but not one step).

[RealMarek]

The problem of women having an abundance of options should improve by the time they are in their thirties. Are you going after women your age or significantly younger? If chatting up women in person isn’t working, I recommend using a traditional dating (not hook-up) app. Read up on how to set up a good profile, use a site that allows you to get your pictures rated anonymously before posting them, etc. Also, don’t just swipe right on the most attractive women, but look through their profiles of women who are of a similar level of attractiveness as yourself and look for ways they might be compatible or incompatible with you first. If you are a stable, non-addictive (no porn, videogame, alcohol habit), reasonably fit man in your thirties, you should be able to find a match.

[DextroShade]

Most men struggle these days with 1 in 3 not having sex in the past year. Modern women are increasingly entitled and narcissistic thanks to feminism, social media, and pathetic simps. Every one of them feels they deserve a man who is 6' with a six pack and a 6 figure income, even obese baby mommas and hoes who have been ran through. You going to Europe is a good idea but I would recommend against Western Europe because the feminist cancer has metastasized there already. Andrew Tate says good things about Romania despite his current legal issues, and Eastern Europe still has traditional women. Good luck bro!

[ProbablyClueless]

Many times, women have hurts and pains from previous relationships that they carry into their connections with you. Other times, it might be something you're doing.

I didn't realize this until I found inner peace, but people carry a lot of hurt throughout their lives that rears its ugly head at rather inconvenient times. As hard as it is to not take some of their behavior personally, it's not personal.

[Anonymous]

Younger women are used to being pursued. They become accustomed to it. They don't respect it. Like a man where food or money is never in doubt, doesn't necessarily take concerns about where the next meal or rent check is coming from, seriously.

When women get older and the interest dries up, it comes as a massive massive shock for them.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I don't think I got two sentences in... hit the weights. All of that stuff doesn't matter if you're buff. Just get buff and you get all the vadge... it's pretty simple.

[Asker]

I'm probably more buff than you.

[D_Bone_Steak]

You obviously haven't seen me before then even though I post myself all the time... but if you're actually buffer than me... what's your fucking problem?

[Anonymous]

Because the motherfuckers have so much to choose from. If you ain't 100% to start with they will just move on. You have to be really physically attractive to them or have a lot of money, then they will tolerate your short comings. Any time you deal with a God damn woman expect hurt feelings and let downs.

[grega239]

Stop worrying abiut getting dates and just enjoy life. Go on that trip without trying to date.

Life is easier when you dont have to consider other people

[Asker]

Grega, I have no problem enjoying life but you can’t sit on your ass and expect things to come to you. I’m just trying to get better at meeting women and dating it’s not all consuming.

[Reem12345reem]

attractive women have many option and they always look for the best , u have to compete against other men

[Nikki1989]

You are obviously doing something wrong.

[DenizLikesTennis]

We can never tell that because we don't know him personally.

If he is well-groomed, well-mannered, knows how to handle situations and... is experienced, I see no issue.

In your first encounter with a woman, you'd want to get to known to her by asking her name, how she is doing etc. The basic steps.

Otherwise, you just ask out once, accept it and move on.

[Asker]

Good job, Nikki. Hence the post asking for suggestions.

[DenizLikesTennis]

Don't give her so much attention. I know she is provovating purposely. Judging by her series of profile pictures, she doesn't seem to be an ordinary type either. I know her well enough.

[LiamJHayden]

I do not find that they are for the most part. It could simply be a case of those to whom you are most attracted possess that quirk. Maybe try casting a wider net?

[Juxtapose]

You're not the problem, these women have a lot of options and end up ignoring hundreds of guys.

[BarryLiverstone]

When you talk to your female friends and ask them for feedback, what have they said to you?

[Asker]

They often ask me why I'm single or it's very basic generic advice like "just be funny".

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s not so helpful. You can ask them to be more direct and tell you how to get better. Let them know it will not hurt your feelings

[BarryLiverstone]

You said that you text after a first date. But when you call her and ask her out again how does that conversation flow?

[Asker]

Trust me Barry, I've asked for specifics and all.

[Asker]

I said it's hard to get the date. I text them after meeting them.

[BarryLiverstone]

There is one thing to improve. Don’t be passive by texting. You like her? Call her and talk. Vibe and see how she feels, ask her out and let her hear your voice and intentions

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok I read your question again as I thought you were going on a date and then she flakes. If you are not even getting to the first date, that’s probably because you are being indirect and not standing out (not taking the risk).

Asking her to get a drink sometime.. she’s attractive and she’s had 5 guys give her the same invite this year. What you should do is “be yourself” by taking the initiative and inviting her to do something you are passionate about. For example do you go to karaoke because you enjoy music? Then let her know you are going and that you remember she also likes to sing. This not only shows her you are unique it also shows her you paid attention to her when you first talked.

[Asker]

Thanks Barry, I really appreciate it but this is on par with the advice I get from girl friends "be yourself" isn't helpful. I don't know who or what else to be besides myself and I don't think it gets much more direct than "what's your number, we should hang some time" or "let's go on a date to this place, they have a good [whatever]". If there's a way I can incorporate one of her interests into the date then I will, it's a given.

[BarryLiverstone]

You are welcome. The difference is I suggested you call her. Too often these days we rely on text.. just like I’m texting now. If she gives you her socials then text and dm makes sense. If you get her number, call her.

[Asker]

I prefer calling but I think there's a time and place. After meeting them a text is often the move because I'm busy, she probably is too because our texts are scattered throughout the day and a call can be interruptive, intrusive or seen as needy if let's say she's at work. I'm much more inclined to call after a first date but not directly after meeting them with no heads up. As much as we all rely on texting if a woman is interested she'll text back.

[BarryLiverstone]

Good luck. You said you have a pattern of not getting dates and certainly it’s not the fault of all women. Interrupting her at 6:00 pm isn’t a bad thing. She controls her phone and can choose to answer it.

[Asker]

Thank you, not blaming women just trying to understand them better. I can get dates on apps but I hate dating apps. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with interrupting I just try not to do it. I have no opposition to calling I just do when I feel like it's appropriate

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm with @BarryLiverstone I've never texted for a date. I also am a big fan of hey, we met NOW, let's go get coffee NOW. Why wait a week for whoever else to come by and get a shot with her? See, you're meeting her on Monday, getting her number, texting her Tuesday (did I read that right?) and by Wednesday she's ghosted you? It's because you gave me 48 hours head start on you. I met her Tuesday morning and took her out for drinks after work that day. That thing you don't want to interrupt is her date with me, because I didn't waste the time worrying about waiting then texting then waiting some more. There's no time for that because women are like busses, too. Ten minutes they'll have another one hit a pedestrian when it jumps a curb and now we're all late for work. Wait... ignore that last part.. the metaphor broke down there. In all seriousness, slow rolling the dating scene doesn't work in a digital age when you can have 10 people in an hour ask you out. It's a numbers game. Just don't stop trying because you got a number from one girl. Still ask that next one out.

[Asker]

You have that right. I’ll usually text them within 24 hours of meeting them and there’s some back and forth and they seem super interested until I try to make plans and then I won’t hear back. I’ve heard about the insta date before from dating coaches but I haven’t tried it. You’re right though, sometimes it feels like they want to text more but i’m not looking for a pen pal and women will read things totally different than how you meant or conveyed it so I try to not text too much.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Haha yeah the pen pal women aren't my thing. I'm not going to talk online where people can lie about whatever and pretend it's real, invest all that time into someone then find out it was all BS. Can make that assessment much faster in real life. If they're so fragile that they need 90 days of chat before coffee in a public place, we're probably not going to have much in common anyways.

[Asker]

My thoughts exactly. I probably do need to up my numbers though cause I maybe approach one girl a week cause of my schedule.

[BoopBoopBeep]

When I was not working at home, sometimes it was like 3 a day

[007kingifrit]

i think it's social media convincing women they have more options than they really do

[Asker]

They do have options. Social media has opened up the dating market.

[007kingifrit]

no they don't. it just seems like they do, in reality they will always move onto the next person, give themselves no time to meet one person, and before you know it they took zero time to get to know anyone.

plus they can match with anyone but most won't actually give them real chances , a 30 year old man isn't going to date a 30 year old women, he might match, but not date.

[DreamLife7]

Men do it so why can't women? It's not our responsibility to fix you

[Asker]

This is so random. Why do you feel you need to fix people?

[DreamLife7]

If they feel you're not compatible with them for whatever reason they aren't obligated to stick around and tell you what you did wrong. They should just leave at the sign of noncompatability

[Asker]

That’s obvious, I’m not hitting them up for explanations. If I don’t hear anything from them I figure their loss and I move on cause they don’t know me.

[monghjay2]

WHAT IS NUMBER 6 ON THE LIST

THAT WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING

[Anonymous]

They have to many options. You have to basically buy women. Money isn't everything but without it you aren't getting sh*t (or lower your standards)

[LazerBean]

Pretty safe to say something you're doing or something about you is turning girls off.

[Asker]

I've figured that much out I just can't imagine what. I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary and if it's something about me I doubt they'd give me their number in the first place.

[Anonymous]

What do u consider playful?

[Asker]

Making jokes, teasing, doing a bit together

[Opinion Owner]

Teasing how?

[Asker]

I feel like this is getting into semantics, it’s situational. It’s light, something a kin to “your shoes are untied” I don't know..

[Opinion Owner]

OMG Some guy said that to me as a joke because I was wearing boots that didn't have shoelaces... tbh it's was annoying because it's not funny 😐 not trying to be mean or anything. That's just my opinion on it. Message me I wanna talk more about this.

[Asker]

Just using that as an example cause flirting is so situational. I don’t have jokes and teases queued up or something. Sometimes the vibe is just fun.

[Opinion Owner]

I suggest you watch old comedy sitcoms

[Asker]

What? Why?

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know that's where I get my sense of humor from 🤷‍♀️

[Asker]

I see lol

I’m not pressed for jokes or have a lack of humor I was just explaining I’m not planning jokes to tell later they just come up in the moment.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh ok well good luck then

[Opinion Owner]

U can message me if u want to vent