Would you say this is manipulative?

[Anonymous]

My sister and I were having a deep conversation and she opened up to me (Really she blamed me) for when she was going through some tough and dark times in her life. She said I left her during those times when she needed me and that she knows I was going through my own things/issues and that time as well (Which I was) so she said she isn’t blaming me but that’s exactly what it sounds like she was doing. She’s saying one thing but it’s coming off another way.

[Oliverlogan263]

Sis, I totally get why that conversation would make you feel accused or manipulated. Telling you she's "not blaming you" while essentially laying all her past problems at your feet is super contradicting.

I don't think she meant it to hurt you on purpose or anything... but she should own that bringing it up like that WAS kinda blame-y, rather than pretending it wasn't. We've all been through shit, you can't expect one person to hold you up 100% of the time.

I'd just be real with her - let her know you're there for her now, but that holding onto past stuff isn't healthy. Say something like "I'm sorry you went through that alone, but dragging it up won't change what happened. I'm here for you moving forward, so let's focus on the present."

She might not even realize how she's coming across. Gentle honesty could help set a boundary without causing drama. And remind her you had your own struggles too - relationships go both ways. Don't let her make you feel guilty for living your life! You got this sis, stay strong.

[SweetPi]

Honestly she is blaming and manipulating you! My sister does the same thing

Usually when I never knew she was going through a hard time. She never spoke about it or mentioned it in our talks.

Next month she does the same thing! You were not there for me... Just blaming me and I never knew about her hard time!

[Asker]

That part. I get I’m the older sibling and more is expected from me because even our mom joined in while she was saying this by saying “You two used to be really close.” She was basically blaming me too. My sister is telling me how I wasn’t there for her but during that same time I was in an abusive relationship with my now baby’s father (Who I’m no longer with) but it was a difficult time. When I was in that relationship I remember my sister telling me in so few words “Stop playing victim. No one feels sorry for you. You keep going back.” And in the midst of her blaming me today and admitting to feeling like I wasn’t there for her when she needed me I never mentioned that. I am the older sibling but we’re not kids anymore. We have our own lives. Totally different perspectives of life and now I have a close friend who gets me, who sees me, which I feel like my sister doesn’t. She just sees me as her “Sister” the quiet one, who listened to her when she needed me to, who rarely ever called her out on her bs, who let her shine and dimmed my light for her. I love my sister and speak highly of her rather I’m around her or not. I will be there for her if harm ever came her way but we just don’t click in that way. Growing up it was easy for us to be close because we were both figuring ourselves out. Now that I’ve come to know who I am, we’ll never stop being sisters and we’ll never stop loving one another but I understand a friendship can’t be forced. I recognize the role I played to her all my life and that’s fine but now I act accordingly but with love and I guess she doesn’t like that.

[SweetPi]

Your a great big sister and you take care of you! I know a lot of siblings and parents will destroy someone being selfless and wanting to help to be a perfect sibling