Why can’t my girlfriend and I communicate?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 2 years, and have lived together since a year and a half. Over time I feel like more and more issues have been coming up from her. And resolving those issues has proven to be very difficult, and mentally draining.

I feel like when I give my opinion, or answer a question of hers, she has to take an opposing view. I can explain my reasoning, rational, concerns and thoughts about my opinion. Where as she will reply with, how she can’t explain, or an “ok but” statement. That step 1 of every disagreement is her debating me on everything, including debating me on that she is debating me. It can become an endless cycle.

A recent example: I’m watching a video, she asks to know what I am watching. I happily ask her to sit afew minutes to watch with me, because I love sharing my interests with her. She agrees, but 5 seconds later starts fiddling with her laptop. So I ask her if she would please give me her full attention. This becomes an argument. Going something like this:

• it’s not that she isn’t giving me her attention, it’s just that she is doing something else.
• Did I really expect her to sit there like a “good little school girl”
• although she may not have been giving her full attention. Why did I have to be bothered by it.
• Although my feelings were hurt, I didn’t have to get frustrated, because that heart her feelings.

I am having a lot of trouble dealing with these situations. And even when I go about resolving it how she asks me to, the same thing happens. It’s like she is unable to think past having a feeling. Also her thoughts actions and words are not within her control, or her responsibility.

I am not devoid of responsibility for my part, I do not handle these situations the best way and allow them to frustrate me. But even when I do my part I feel she still rails against whatever it is I am saying for literally no reason.

is this normal? What can I do? I am desperate for advice.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that sounds like a really tough situation with your girlfriend. It's gotta be super frustrating when you feel like you can't communicate effectively or resolve issues. I get it, man.

From what you're describing, it seems like there's a lot of defensiveness and unwillingness to really listen and understand each other's perspectives. The constant debating and shifting blame is not a healthy way to work through problems.

I know you said you don't handle it the best either, which is understandable when someone is being so stubborn. It's easy to get frustrated and say things you don't mean. But it sounds like a lot of the responsibility is on her end with the unnecessary arguing and lack of accountability.

Honestly, that kind of communication breakdown is a huge red flag in a relationship. If she can't even give you her full attention for a few minutes without turning it into a fight, that's a major issue. And if she's not willing to take responsibility for her part in it, that's even worse.

My dude, I really think you need to sit her down and have an honest, open conversation about this. Make it clear that the constant debating and refusal to really listen is hurting the relationship. See if she's willing to work on communicating in a more constructive way. Counseling could even help if she's open to it.

But if she continues to refuse to change and you still can't get through to her, you may have to seriously consider if this relationship is worth saving. You deserve to be with someone who can have mature, productive discussions and work through problems together. Don't settle for someone who just drains you emotionally.

I know it's not an easy call, bro. But you gotta do what's best for you. Just know that you're not alone in dealing with this kind of communication breakdown. Stay strong, and don't be afraid to put your foot down or walk away if she won't meet you halfway. You got this.

[RavVid]

Sadly it is normal for some girlfriend's. I'd bet if she wants to show you something or tell you something of her doings she expects wrapped attention.

It is not so much selfishness but self centeredness. It is all about her. In addition she is disputatious. She has to be right. I've had girlfriend like this.

You really have two choices 1/Dump as she won't change or 2/ take a so what attitude. A girlfriend that won't recognize you have a viewpoint can hit you in the ego and you can reduce you ego reaction. The arguments are sort of around control - you can just not buy in. Say 'I don't agree and I am not doing that' and it is not worth arguing over.

There is a vague chance if she thinks you will indeed dump, she might modify but probably not for long.

The question is 'is she worth the work?'

[Anonymous]

So interesting to me how the universe works. I was about to post my own similar question. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years in Feb, living together a little over a year now. For the most part we are great but we have such similar issues to yours. You posting this kinda gave me perspective of what my boyfriend must be thinking and all I can say to at least one of your points is that we aren’t trying to hurt you or disrespect by not giving you our undivided attn the entire time when you show us your phone. I will do the same thing, asking what my boyfriend is watching on YouTube and watch a bit of it with him. But then I try going back to my own phone and he will keep trying to call my attention or get outwardly upset/passive aggressive when I move on. I don't know, things like this to me don’t have to be a battle. There’s more to it of course I just don’t want to write so much and you may not even respond…

[Asker]

I get what you are saying and understand where you are coming from. Expecting her undivided attention 100% of the time would be unreasonable. And if that is what was happening I would be the one at fault. But that isn’t what happened in the example I gave.

She showed interest, I asked her for a few minutes of her time, and she agreed. And 5 seconds (not an exaggeration) later was distracted by her own stuff. Which to be fair does happen, everyone gets distracted, and nobody is perfect. The issue starts when I ask her to refocus, and she has to rail against it. Instead of saying something like, “oops my bad, ok show me” and refocusing, it becomes a debate.

Mind you when the situation is reversed, her expectations are the same as mine. If she asks for my attention, and I get distracted, she will call me out and ask me to refocus. And when this happens I do, and I out in extra effort to engage with her in her interests. No if, ands, but, or excuses. Let alone debating her on if I was being a little rude.

The issue I have is the expectation that I give her my time, effort, and attention. While keeping her wants and needs at the forefront of my mind. But she has nothing but excuses when she isn’t even doing 50% if that for me. It becomes a 1 way relationship and I feel used.

Please know I am only speaking about my situation, and I am not downplaying yours. Also the example I gave is very mundane. I have 2 dozen more, ranging from big situations to small ones. I love her so much, and this isn’t how she acted when we first met. And I’m afraid that she isn’t willing to be her best self and put in the effort that I am. And the effort she expects me to put in.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh don’t worry, I get that you’re explaining your own situation and not downplaying mine at all. I really only mentioned mine as a point of reference because I feel like I can relate a lot to what you’re experiencing.

I know our situations or relationships aren’t identical, but based off what you’re saying, you and I both need to have some serious conversations with ourselves about whether these people are right for us in the long term or if they’re not. I don't know about you but it seems like moving in together has shown me a lot of characteristics with my boyfriend that I don’t know mesh well, I mean how can we mesh fundamentally (not just when things are good) when we can’t find a middle ground?

Like with your girlfriend, I’m not even trying to gas you but you sound like you only ask for what you’re putting in and that is more that reasonable. If you can sit and watch her show or sit and try to share her interest, then to me it isn’t too much asking for the same in return, right?

Could you have a convo with her about all this? Yes. Could you go to couples counseling or whatever? Sure. But I’ve always felt like those are measure we take to save marriages, girlfriend/boyfriend should be a level of commitment we have more freedom to walk away from if it’s not working.

I don’t say any of this lightly, I love my boyfriend and if he proposed he would be who I’d want to marry. At the same time though, we have to put love to the side sometimes and ask if we can be compatible with our partners in areas that really matter.

[Asker]

I have been and am willing to try all the things.
I just don’t know how much more I have in me.

And I do apologize for the long drawn out response. I am in the habit of over explaining so as to avoid confusion and conflict. Never works lol, but it’s a habit.

[Opinion Owner]

As you can see I’m long winded myself so no judgement from me lol. Well, I’m not sure if you’ve sat her down and had a real conversation about this, but if you have and she’s just not understanding where you’re coming from or doesn’t feel the need to take accountability, then how do you fix the disconnect?

I think that’s the next question, like if she doesn’t agree with you, it basically means you’d have to adjust your mindset to accommodate hers. So when this happens where she can’t be bothered to give your interests attention, you’d have to start just being quiet about that and accepting it, which to me is just hurtful. I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting more than 5 seconds of her attention when she’s the one who asked to see this or that in the first place, but what are you supposed to do when she sees no issue with this? I’m all about compromises and trying different things, but I guess the point here is that it may not matter what you do if her mindset isn’t to invest in your interests how you do with hers, and you should decide what that will mean to you going forward.

[Selene1600000]

Some disagreement is normal, but constant debating, deflecting responsibility, and invalidating your feelings is not healthy if it never gets resolved. You can’t fix this alone, so you need a calm conversation outside of conflict where you clearly explain the pattern and what you need to change going forward. If she’s unwilling or unable to work on it consistently, you’ll need to consider whether the relationship is sustainable for your mental well being.

[Anonymous]

Simple, you two are NOT compatible.