Girls, Why is it seen as manipulation when a guy hides what he wants, but acceptable when a girl seems unsure or sends mixed signals?

[Anonymous]

[HollyK21]

Hiding what you want is intentionally done, being indecisive is not. Same goes for sending mixed signals, that person may not realize they’re doing this and 9/10 the person feeling slighted isn’t speaking on those emotions. The are most likely in their own heads trying to make heads or tails of what a glance, specific expression or even some form of physical touch could mean rather than just asking her or him.

[Asker]

I understand women do not always realize they are sending mixed signals, and emotions can be confusing. But when a guy acts the same way, he is called manipulative or a player and gets no sympathy.

When women do it, it is often excused as unintentional, but the emotional impact is the same. Excusing it just because she is a woman is a selfish double standard.

[HollyK21]

If you’re idea of “when guys act the same way” is him hiding what he wants then I think your viewpoint is quite problematic and out of touch. I’ll explain how.

When a man intentionally hides what he wants, that means he is putting on a front. He’s putting on his best face, being whatever version of him that he thinks will win that woman over and bring him closer to what he wants, whether it’s casual sex or otherwise.

This behavior is not the same as being uncertain about someone. It is also not the same as if some guy or girl interprets your behavior as anything other than what you have had the chance to verbally clarify.

I can’t sympathize with a man who knows he doesn’t want a relationship with a woman yet hides that fact so he can get laid. I don’t see how that is anything other than manipulative and disingenuous.

[Asker]

I get your point, and I agree that a guy who pretends to want something serious just to get sex is being manipulative. But what you are missing is that many women also behave in emotionally unclear ways that lead men on, whether they realize it or not.

A woman might keep a guy around, accept his attention, let him invest emotionally or financially, even flirt, without being sure if she wants him or not. That is not always intentional, but it still misleads him. And when he gets hurt, people say he should have known or he should have asked.

So if we hold men accountable for misleading with intention, why are women not held accountable when they mislead through indecision or emotional confusion? The result is the same. Someone gets hurt because the other person was not clear or honest.

Manipulation is not just about lying. It is also about benefiting from someone's interest without being direct. That happens on both sides. The difference is that men get shamed for it. Women get defended.

[HollyK21]

I feel like your take is one varies from person to person, and the experiences they have. Because if you were to ask me or any woman I personally know, none of us behave in that manner and we all hold each other accountable. None of my female friends could gossip to me about using a man for his money and whatever else but not being interested when he’s a genuinely good man, I can’t think of any woman who wouldn’t condemn something so abhorrent. So I can’t get on the same page about women not being held accountable, I don’t live in a world like that.

As for the other things you mentioned, while I absolutely agree that those are actions that women can be guilty of, I don’t think those things are exclusive to only men or women. It’s wrong when anyone is manipulative or misleading, and someone’s values is what defines whether or not they condemn that, not their gender.

[Asker]

I respect that your circle of friends holds each other accountable, and that is great to hear. But personal experience does not erase the broader pattern. Just because it does not happen in your world does not mean it is not common elsewhere.

A lot of men have experienced being strung along, emotionally used, or kept around by women who were unsure or not genuinely interested. It might not be malicious, but it still happens far more often than many women realize.

Saying it is just about personal values ignores the fact that society often reacts differently depending on whether it is a man or a woman doing it. The accountability is not always equal, even if it should be.