I see why my friend has trouble keeping men. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

[Anonymous]

She a beautiful woman inside and out but she still lives with her parents at 41 despite working full time because she chose to work in a nonprofit homeless shelter. She dedicates her life to helping others, and yes she helps her parents out financially but at our age she should have her own place. I do. I moved out at 18, work in finance and built my life from scratch including purchasing and paying off my own house. I also don’t put up with any crap from men. She tolerates it for awhile and then blows up when she’s had enough. A couple of her boyfriends told me they wished she had more of my traits.

I’ve tried to convince her to leave the nonprofit job and come work at my company (she’d be making 5 figures there) and volunteer on the weekends but she insists her purpose is to help people and not to make money. I really think bringing home a larger income, having her own place and standing up to herself would really help her.

How do I tell her men don’t want broke girls with no backbone without hurting her feelings? How do I help her be the more outgoing, confident go getter type to doesn’t take shit?

I know it’s not an age thing because I’m the same age she is and I just got engaged, and I’m always turning down men who hit on, approach and ask me out.

[Cormac995]

Men will date a Walmart cashier if she treats him with love. Money isn't the problem here but also living with your parents shouldn't be shameful or something you're embarrassed of. It too me till I was almost 29 to move out because I couldn't find affordable housing where I live. A lot of guys also don't care if a woman lives with her parents or roommates either as long as the roommate isn't a guy.

As for her helping people at her own expense that's incredibly noble of her and if it's her purpose it's her purpose. You can't strong arm her into a job that would be soul crushing and meaningless that's a hellish way to live. She needs to be where she's needed and valued for her mental health and self-esteem.

If she took you up on your job offer yes, she'd make more money, but she wouldn't be doing what they are meant to do as a person. What's happening here is she would rather be rich and life and her soul than wealthy and feeling empty every hour of every day at a job she hates. Your friend sounds to me like an amazing woman. You can't push her into this. it's her life it's her choice on how to live it and there are much worse ways to live your life than helping others in need.

Frankly I wish more people had that feeling of being responsible for the wellbeing of others I think we've lost that as a culture here in America. Block parties? Dead. Town festivals? Dead. Church or religion of your preference? Mostly dead.

Hell, most people can't be bothered to meet their neighbors. I lived with my dad in our house for 28 years and I only met and befriended like 2 of them. I'm also disgusted by how many people who won't do anything even for someone desperate. THere are woman who have had people walk past them while they were screaming for help while being raped but the people who heard just said "Not my problem" and looked away from the horror insteaed of fuffiling their duty to others.

Last time I got in a barfight a man was beating on a woman half his size because she had the audacity to be best friends with a homosexual. There were at least 20 people there who saw what was happening and and out of all of them I was the only person who intervined and most people didn't even cast a second glance.

The mother fucker was beating a woman in public and nobody cared because it wasn't their problem. "Everyone is guilty of the good they did not do." Everytime you see someone that you have the abbilty to help you're commiting evil.

Yes sometimes there's nothing you can do to help but when you can it's you're responsability and we live in a world where everyone hates responsability but want all the benifits that come with it.

[Anonymous]

Ok first of all it’s her life. Second you’re wrong in regards to men not wanting brown women. It’s usually the other way around. A man would gladly date, even marry a broke woman if she had a good personality, she’s loving, caring, takes care of him, even a bigger plus if she displays the qualities of a good mother, a good wife. A majority of men really don’t care about women’s finances for a few reasons. One is that main are usually raised to be providers. Two most men know that women aren’t going to front the bill for a majority of things. They usually want a man who makes as much as them or more so he can still take care of the majority of the bills. That’s why there’s a saying, his money is our money, my mo eye is my money.
I actually like what she sounds like. She volunteers. Take a very special person to do such a thing w out getting paid for it. If she’s happy doing that then who are you to tell her she’s not happy doing what she’s doing. You said she helps her parents financially, so she’s at least doing something to help them as well. It’d be different if she wasn’t doing a damn thing as far as helping people, just living off her parents. I don’t know about her personality, so that may be what’s deterring men, not her finances. A lot of women I know these days who are in late to early 30s still stay w their parents. A majority of men see nothing wrong w that, but a lot of women certainly see something wrong w that if it’s a man still living at home even if he is working, helping out his parents.
It’s probably best you just forces on your life. What makes you happy may jot make her happy.

[Asker]

I don't know, that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve had so many of her boyfriends in the past tell me they wished she was more like me. But I also had a different upbringing…. I was told by my parents to get a job and get my own apartment within a year once I turned 18. I was out of the house 6 months later and was told I was no longer my parents problem anymore. They are now retired and living in Florida. We send each other Christmas cards once a year and that’s it. I probably won’t even see them until their funerals so that’s probably why I think it’s a bit weird that she and so many other people in my generation are living with their parents. Probably also why I don’t take any crap. My parents weren’t exactly loving or affectionate.

Yes working in finance can be cut throat. We can be douches but we do what we have to in order to get ahead, but it’s the reason why I’ve been able to support myself and my fiance and it’s the reason why I’ve been able to attract and support all of my previous boyfriends. It’s also the reason why so many of her boyfriends found me attractive too. My own fiance said he wouldn’t date her for that reason alone…. no safety net for him to lean on and if things went sour she’d be living in the homeless shelter and not working there (his words).

[Opinion Owner]

Yes that could be big part of the reason you are the way you are. Everyone is raised different. I’m sorry to hear that that is the kind of relationship you have w your family. I talk to my family all the time, see them as much as I can.
I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way but you seem as though you’ve had more male characteristics instilled in you then that of a female. A lot of what you described is that of a male. Maybe that’s why you attracted men who were, let’s say not really manly. I get times have changed, but a lot of men who are raised to be men aren’t going to expect the girl to pay. Seems as though that’s all you’ve been attracting. So makes me wonder were these men more feminine, cared about their looks a lot, soft, etc. What about your current man? Is he manly? Chances are he’s saying he would t date that girl cause he doesn’t want to start an argument w you. Especially if she’s pretty, men aren’t stupid enough to say something like that. A lot of times men just agree w women to avoid confrontation or to try to get into their pants. Like these men who claim to be feminist.
If your friend is happy she’s happy. That’s her life. You just do what makes you happy. Honestly are you 100% happy w the way everything is going in your life? As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized a lot of that materialistic stuff means nothing in the end. It’s about family, friends, making memories. It means nothing especially if I don’t have no one to share that w. For me at least. Maybe she’s happy w sharing her experiences w her family. But like I said maybe there’s something about her personality that men don’t like.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m glad you actually responded in a way that sounds as though you’re reflecting on how you were raised rather then getting g upset and saying all kinds of rude things. This is how we learn. A lot of times it’s hard to talk to a female about things as far as dating, life, because they tend to get hurt by it if you’re being honest. Instead of asking what could I do to change X, y, z they tend to get defensive.
As for those boyfriend sin the past saying I wish she was more like you. Me sing what? You taking care of them go financially? What woman really wants to take care of a man like that? Most women want the men to be the provider. What I’m saying is sure they all said the same thing as far as wishing she was like you, but what happened w them? Obviously they didn’t work out so I wouldn’t even listen to what those men said. You attracted men who just wanted to be taken care of. What about your current man? Does he make as much as you?

[Caroline91]

Sounds like you want to completely change who she is. Not everyone thinks having their own place is necessary or even desirable. I come from a family who lives in multigenerational households. And apparently, purpose in work is more important than dollars to her. That’s a value judgement she has made for herself. If she’s meeting men who would like her to be more like you, she is looking in the wrong places. She needs to go where she will meet men with similar life values to hers. She also needs to develop friendships with people who respect and appreciate who she is as a person rather than wanting to change her.

[Nikki1989]

She is probably the kind that can't be told anything and is most likely set in her ways at this point. I wouldn't waste time and energy telling her anything.

[Asker]

Yeah, she is. I don’t think she gets that the do-gooder types don’t really make it in this world and we live in a society that’s more self serving. People connect more with what they can relate. Hopefully she finds someone but at this point I’m afraid it’s too late for her.

[OneViewpoint]

Why do you feel you need to fix her? She's made her choice. The men she meets make their choice. She likely isn't too stupid to see that reality. Which means she's choosing that reality willingly. Or she actually is that stupid and there's no fixing her.

She has a great future as a cat lady. She also has a psychological need to martyr herself for some reason. Self loathing or a lack of self worth? Lack of confidence? Fear of taking risks? Guys probably read that consciously or subconsciously and opt for life with another woman without that baggage.

[Asker]

Yes I like this answer. It rips her apart, but the girl needs to be ripped apart badly. She puts EVERYONE above herself and in my opinion, if you’re not at least a little bit selfish, you’re blatantly quite stupid. Also, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore. Now it’s time for women to provide for men.

I told her you have to be bitchy if you want love. Nobody respects altruistic people, and you have to step on toes to get what you want. I’ve closed deals that put people out of their homes and on the streets, but it’s made me ridiculous amounts of money, gave me the cushy life that I’m living and made me a man magnet. I have a fiance who loves me and I get men hitting on me left and right. She struggles to keep a tinder date. Obviously being a “good” person who plays by the rules and doesn’t hurt people isn’t working for her.

[Zylos]

So personally, she sounds much more appealing to me than you do, no offence.

I love that she dedicates herself to helping others, that is beautiful and shows deep wisdom and kindness. I don't give a fuck whether she is rich, and I doubt most men do, men don't care about their partner's career status the same way women do.

It also seems unimportant that she lives with her parents, we could always move in together if we decided to pursue a relationship.

So yeah, it's nice of you to offer her a job, but you two clearly have very different values.

The one thing I do think you could possibly teach her is some more assertiveness, as you mentioned.

But otherwise? To me she sounds unusually wise and kind for the 21st century. That is very, very attractive.

Beyond basic necessities, mony and wealth and consumption is a superficial goal that does not bring happiness.

And you can't take your riches with you when you die.

[Asker]

Because it’s hindered her with men. The last one literally said to her (in front of me) that he sees her depending on her parents until they pass and she’ll likely be just as overly dependent on whatever man she’s with and also that is probably the reason she hasn’t found a man yet, and then he told her she needs to be more like me (my fiance got laid off from his job so I’ve been his safety net the last few months. Most guys I know want a woman they can rely on in hard times).

[Zylos]

He could always visit her homeless shelter if he falls on hard times.

[Zylos]

He sounds like a bullet dodged. Also, no offense, but as someone who is friends with a finance bro, and also just based on what people in that industry tend to do for a living, from my perspective that is an industry full of douchebags. It does not surprise me that they can't relate to her as a person or to her values or just sees her parents as kind of a hindrance, or her as someone they can scrounge off if the going gets tough.

[Makeushiver]

Perhaps if you point out that the concept of nonprofit still has a cost, 2 kinds from an econimists POV. In this case, she is working for the non-profit but you are the one suffering from it & you are nit a nonprofit. That dorsn't mean you're a heartless scrooge but your life has certain costs and since your girlfriend.'s desire to work in a non-profit is still benefiting her- she wants to work in that milieu & since she is, made possible by you, the non-profit gets what it wants, free labor. The one who ultimately pays id you. You're not the one unable to get FMV for your work etc. In a way, it's quite unfair. Sh gets to think highly about her altruism while you pay the bill for a cause you could probably care less about. It wilol hopefully make her see the unfairness of asking you to subsidize a cause she wants to work for If she doesn't see that then perhaps it's adios.

[Asker]

Oh I’m definitely the heartless Scrooge, and I hate non-profits, and their workers. I hate bleeding heart do-gooders to be honest. I’ve closed out deals that put people out of their homes…. not my problem. It made me richer and if you can’t even manage your finances to keep your home, you’re a loser in my opinion. She pisses me off. Wasting her time coasting through life helping losers who caused their own poverty. Just let them stay poor in my opinion. I’m tired of hearing “she’s a good person, leave her alone”. She’s poor, so being “good” doesn’t get her anywhere. Being bitchy does but she refuses to be bitchy.

[Shiprex]

Good men don't expect women to have high paying jobs and careers. They're irrelevant.

She sounds like she's surrounded by money obsessed cretins who see 8nly what the world can give them instead of making it a better place for the future.

My wife gave up a job where she'd work 9 to 5 and get pain vacation and most weekends off earning almost as much as me which as someone a decade lore experienced and in a profession.

She took up her passion to help others with her own business by fixing, maintaining and encouraging cycling. Makes less than half what she could have been earning BUT she's known by thousands, people travelling 100s km because they've heard and want to support and THAT makes me prouder than any gold watch, flash car, exotic holiday. Fuk that do more of what makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

maybe, just maybe, you should mind your own business. who cares if she lives at home? who cares if you moved out at 18? who cares if she makes less money than you? everyone is DIFFERENT. why do you expect everyone to be like you?

as for the relationship stuff, that is her problem, not yours.

[slatyb]

Is she asking you? If not, then don't tell her anything. She knows, and is making her choice. If she asks, you might give her some very gentle advice. I have found that it is best to answer such questions with more questions -- what do you want your life to be? Have you considered?

[exitseven]

She is living the life that she wants to live. If she wants to be Mother Teresa you should accept it. You are a good friend to want to help her but ultimately it is her life.

[Finchie40]

If she is happy and content with what she is doing then that’s all that matters , we can give friends’ advice , but we can’t force them to do what we think they should do. It’s her life and her decision , just be happy for her

[RavVid]

I would want my girl to be focused on her life with me just I will be with her. It would not bother me she is broke but if her charitable work is more important to her than I am that will be a problem.

[WhitneySnow]

If she’s happy why bother her? As long as her parents are cool with it I don’t see a problem.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You clearly don’t like this woman at all. You should leave her alone.

[glennos89]

She probably has a personality problem instead of her job or the fact that she js living with her parents because most men would still date woman that are broke and\or living with her parents

I think her problem lies within her personality

[FreyaRed]

Men are often fascinated by evil girls. On the other hand character doesn't really matter if a girls is sexy.

[beenherebefore]

You know. I wouldn't say anything. Is not your place to make people see things they refuse to see.

[Stevepro68]

All very low on the list of important things for most young men

[Staximus]

Ask her how she's going to support herself when her parents are gone. She needs to think about her future.

[Asker]

I did ask her that earlier today. She said her parents told her they are leaving the house to her when they’re gone. It’s the house she grew up in so it was paid off a long time ago. The nonprofit pays her so she does actually make money and she says she’s putting it in savings. She also said she’s probably going to rent out the basement apartment she’s currently living in so I guess she won’t be living on the streets. Also she told me it’s actually a group home, not a homeless shelter (she volunteers at the homeless shelter on her days off so to me it’s all about the same), and she makes about $25 an hour so she is making money.

I don't know, either way I would have more respect for her if she actually built a life for herself instead of having it handed to her. That could also be because I’m a little bitter that my own family didn’t give a crap about me. The day I turned 18 my parents told me that I was no longer their responsibility or their problem and I had exactly one year to move out, and they treated me horribly afterwards (I guess to make sure I moved out earlier than that). I have very little contact with them now. Probably why I’m also not above stepping on toes and hurting people to get ahead in life.

I don’t respect nonprofit workers. They lord moral superiority over the rest of us when they’re a bunch of bleeding heart crybaby losers who help other losers that don’t or can’t help themselves. If poor people can’t rebuild their own lives without assistance, let them stay poor. Yeah I’m heartless but that’s why I’m successful.

[qwerty2469]

All you did was talk about you having more money than her, but no man. Why would her making. more money get her a man when it hasn't done anything for you?

[Asker]

I do have a man. I’ve been with him for two years and we’re engaged. I just forgot to mention him.

[qwerty2469]

Thats a red flag. I hope he escapes you. You sound like cancer.

[jazzy34]

You heartless bitch. I hope she finds better friends.

[MannMitAntworten]

You can tell her everything you just shared … you will not change her mind over where she works. Save your breath.

[andreasderjuengere]

I don't think that you're her ''friend''

Your opinions are single sided.

[jahaims]

You couldn't be more wrong. Guys don't care what females do for work as long as it isn't degrading like sex work etc.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of guys who wouldn't care about any of that.

[seeyounexttuesday]

This is why you never go to women for dating advice. Men don't give a shit about a woman's career if she's hot and pleasant to be around.

[Anonymous]

Why are you trying to run someone else’s life? She may be content. Mind you’re own business.

[Ariesman81]

Tell her I've got a position available for her.

[msc545]

Probably you should mind your own business and not offer unsolicited advice.

[OlderAndWiser]

Is your friend blind?

[Asker]

Honestly I’m wondering that myself. Being altruistic gets you nowhere in life.

[OlderAndWiser]

No good comes from telling other people about their faults.

[Rides_Big_Guys]

You don’t need to tell her.

[DishLady]

Deep down I'm sure she knows why...

[SoJust]

You can tell him how to act on this matter.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she needs new friends.👍😆

[Asker]

No, she needs the aggressive, pushy and brutally honest friend like me.

[Anonymous]

The key is in good communication

[MasterKS]

Talk her about being with men, how it is.

[DrPepper12]

Let her be