Am I wrong for being pissed off at my wife for over drafting her account for the 10th time and having to bail her out?

[Anonymous]

This is the 10th time.. And what's worse is we have overdraft protection and the way it works in our bank is it transfers 200 dollars from it, with a 20 dollar fee, to cover the overdraft. After all was done she had 180 dollars of the over draft protection transfer left.. I asked her when it happened to put the rest back so all we would owe is 40 bucks (20 plus the 20 dollar fee) she failed to pay it back., she instead went on a Starbucks spending spree. This morning I found out she had 80 dollars left of the over draft protection transfer.. So I informed her I would be transferring it back. And then I covered the difference.

Suffice it to say I'm pissed off. Royally pissed off. I actually considered shredding her cards. I'm not going to do that. But goddamn it I'm pissed off. And she's calling me the asshole for using 80 dollars that was left as part of the payoff.

Am I wrong for not only being pissed off, but basically losing a big measure of trust in her?

[Finchie40]

No you aren’t wrong , your wife is just horrible with money and has a spending problem, which a lot
Of girls’ do , my ex was the same way , just loved spending money like it grows on trees and when money got tight , she would blame me for it , and never took accountability for her actions whatsoever, another reason she is my ex , So if this is the tenth time you bailed your wife out of the hole , expect 100 more times if you choose to stay with her , because the second you can’t bail her out , it will be your fault , Do yourself a favor and kick her
To the curb and find yourself a girl that understands the concept of money , or you are just going to continue digging your own grave with her. Because she isn’t going to change whatsoever

[bobalife]

It’s okay to be upset. But definitely don’t go over boundaries and shred her card because that’s doing too much. It’s obviously there’s more to this that’s going on… take time to cope first. Then, have a calming sit down conversation with her how this is making you feel and affecting your life as a married couple. Maybe ask her the root of her overspending… is she going through something? Has she always been like this? What’s the satisfaction of her gratification with overspending? Talk to her about the affect and consequences it plays on your lives financially, stability, responsibilities, and etc. I wonder if she truly don’t realize it’s not okay, she has an addiction, or poor coping mechanism with overspending? It could be anything. But I hope everything works out and you both understand each other on both sides.

[bobalife]

I do want to add my own experience to share abit of empathy and perspective. I definitely have been overspending this past year because I was overly stressed and burnt out with graduate school. It became shopping therapy. Am I proud of it or feel bad after realizing it? Definitely did not feel great and recognize I went beyond my limits & means. But at the time I was doing it I didn’t know how bad it was for me. And no I’m single. Therefore, it’s my own money though.

[Asker]

At least your response is rational. Im not pissed off any more. But my wife promised me she would check her balance more often before using her card. I even told her that if she doesn't have the money to use my card in emergencies. We both have joint accounts. She has hers where im joint, and i have mine where she is joint and we both have a debit card to each others account. So its not a huge deal that she use mine if needed, i just hate surprises and bailing her out again was a surprise.

[bobalife]

I’m glad my response seem rational, and I’m happy to hear everything is resolved with clear communication and a resolution :)

[MissSunshine2]

Well, I don’t know you, or your financial situation.

if she’s really overspending by a lot, she’s the problem. If on the other hand, you’re controlling all the money and giving her an allowance, to trap her or because you’re too much of a tight arse to let her have any fun, then you’re the problem. As I don’t know either one of you, I don’t know which it is.

[Asker]

She has her own job and her own separate finances. I handle the bills and mortgage, and she handles groceries and her car insurance. Basically she contributes about 10% of our total monthly expenses..

So I'm not controlling anything..

[MissSunshine2]

Okay, well, what about if she agrees to see a financial planner/ addiction/debt counsellor with you? You can both hear each other out with someone who’s not emotionally invested in the relationship and your finances, who you’re both more likely to get help from.

[MissSunshine2]

Everything I’ve said is unbiased towards either side.

[Asker]

Understood, thank you..

[MissSunshine2]

You’re welcome. Good luck.

[BCRanger10]

You are not wrong at all. In fact, you are completely justified.

I don't know if I would shred the credit or debit cards, but if I were you, I would take them away and return them when her habits changed.

[DryGermanGuy]

No, I would be as well. Why not cancel these plastic cards? People can use cash!

[Ariesman81]

You're not mad at her, you're mad at yourself for being the sucker that bails her out. Grow a pair and let the consequences change her behavior.

[beefcakebradybatson]

Talk to her about her extravagance. Perhaps she's a gold digging broad.

[Miristheiss]

KEEP YOUR FINANCES SEPARATE!

[In_Trance]

so why are you bailing her out?