My wife is not used to drinking alcohol. Two or three months ago she went on a business trip and she and her colleagues was out for a few nights, partying. Now, she is pregnant and when it came out she confessed to me that she had cheated on me when she was drunk on the business trip. What’s worse, she is not sure if the child is mine or the other guy’s. She insists that the cheating was purely alcohol related and she is very regretful. What do you think I should do? I love him.
You can get dna tests during pregnancy - I have seen them advertised in Australia. You at least need to insist on that.
If it is not yours then if you stay there will be a constant reminder of this for the rest of your life and it will eat you up.
If it is yours, then the situation is not much better. You will be reminded again and again with just the solace that it did by chance turn out to be your child. It will eat you up as well.
If it is yours then it will cost you child support. I think in some US states the husband is presumed to be the father despite dna evidence to the contrary and your wife quite likely doesn't know the guys name or address. You need to consult a lawyer on this aspect asap. Maybe you can move states advantageously.
Getting drunk then pregnant is no excuse. You do have to recognize your wife has been honorable enough to be truthful post factum. I know a guy whose dark skinned wife went on a girls trip, got pregnant to a bouncer of her race. Then decided she didn't like being a mom and walked out leaving him as the single dad of her bastard.
Your wife is a lot better than that woman. A lot of women would not have told you. I know another guy who thinks two of his three children are his but in fact only one is. They all look startlingly different so I don't know why he does think that. Obviously not yours is another problem you might face. The child's temperament might be one that won't gel with you. Personality is partially inherited - it is not all environment.
So I think you have to sit her down. Do it more in sadness than in anger. Get a pregnancy dna test. Consult a lawyer. Get out. Stay friends with her and give some level of support. Fact is if you are angry and aggressive she will end up angry and aggressive in turn and courts will treat her more favorably than you. There are guys paying child support to a girl they never had sex with. And in some places it doesn't matter you are not the father. The legal system wants to pin some guy - any guy.
She has ruined her life. Don't let her ruin yours with her mistake. Do this all in sadness not anger. Walk away when you are.
Doubtless you will be feeling your life has fallen apart because it has. It will get better but it will take time.
Best wishes for you. Be strong.
You don't have to get angry but obviously you should leave her. The relationship has become toxic. Sure you could go through counseling or whatever but depending on her personality all that might do is show her she can get away with doing it again.
That said it sounds like it could have been an honest mistake, but its only a slight chance. I dont drink much either and i did some things i regret the first time i drank. Ask her about pressing charges on the guy who had her, as it might have been planned to get her drunk. If she's not willing to at least entertain that idea then she feels something for him.
Ask yourself if you got into some accident at work and lost both of your legs, how confident are you she would stay by your side? I've never met her so I don't know her. But it seems apparent that she thinks less of you than you do of her. She waited until now to tell you thinking she could get away with it. It's clear she wouldn't have told you if she didn't get pregnant. If you are comfortable living in a relationship with such an imbalance of love, then by all means work through it. But never for one second let yourself get deluded into thinking its anything else.
Look I know I am young and don't have much experience in love. But I want to put in my two cents
I never been in your shoes, but I know for sure I would be hurting just as much as you are.
I also know I would be confused
I think you two should continue talking about this. This is a biggie and maybe you two might work though this.
One thing I would surely do is get an DNA test done and if the child is not yours. Make sure that child's birth certificate don't end up with your last name.
My oldest brother is going though this in court right now, because he didn't think it was such a big deal. The courts are trying to make him pay child support. His lawyer said a DNA would clear him
Wow. This is a mess.
I suppose you're going to have to decide if you want to keep the child since it can't be determined whose it is. That could be a real thorn in your relatonship if you find out it isn't. And something is very wrong if your wife drinks so much that she ends up in bed with a work colleague.
There's no excuse for her behavior. NO matter how drunk one is, one knows the difference between a husband and a man who is NOT a husband. And if she doesn't drink alcohol, why should imbibe on a business trip? All kinds of wrong here.
I wonder if something else is wrong between you two. I'd suggest counseling to sort all these issues out. Good luck.
Opinion
68Opinion
u "I was drunk. I wasn't in my right mind. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't mean to have sex; it was an accident."
Is that pretty much what she told you when she confessed?
The relationshit is done. Her true colors have shown. Keep in mind you probably only know about it because of the extenuating circumstances... Meaning, that cheating shit probably happens a lot more than you'd be willing to admit. Every night out that she said she was staying the night out with a friend, every night she didn't come home right away, ever business trip and so on. Plus she works with the dude right? How many late nights at the office? Girls nights out? You see where I'm going, because I don't think you're stupid.
I do think you might hit denial though... I've known 100% that a girl was cheating but when you try to tell a bro about his girl, denial... he thinks he knows better. That might not be you, but if it's you... I've seen that before.
But yeah... that's pretty bad man. Cheated... alcohol is not an excuse. Pregnant by whom in question meaning not only did she go condomless... creampied action was involved. Still working with the guy I'd bet... been working with the guy I'd bet.
Dude... break up with her ass and I'll bet you $10 that she ends up being that guy's girl. I'm not saying you should get angry and leave her, but leave her on principle. Just don't get angry at the dude... he never made any promises to you or expected you not to sleep with other women for his sake. You're girl teamed up with him and she's the one that decided to just do you dirty.
This should be a red pill about women's behavior as well.
I’m really sorry this happened. Seriously I am.
Anyway a few facts to consider here:
This is horrible and hope you can find some sort of long term resolution to it. You didn’t deserve that. But don’t let her get away with completely unacceptable behavior. She and the other guy didn’t even use birth control!
Also if the kid isn’t yours then get counseling on how to act around him/her in the future. This isn’t the kid’s fault at all and I feel sorry for him/her.
The pregnancy make this very difficult. I will say this, my wife cheated also, and it wasn’t once while drunk. She was sleeping with her boss for 6 months and fell in love with him. I was shocked when I found out. Just couldn’t believe this woman I loved so much would do this. Dumping her at that moment would have been the easy thing to do. The hard thing would have been trying to fix this. The boss was a scumbag who chased every girl he could. I put her about me, I talked about what happened and asked what she wanted. In the meantime I messaged the boss and told him that I know what was going on. He didn’t respond. I messaged him again and told him to acknowledge my text or I will go to is work and make sure he gets it personally. He responded to that. I will tell you it took 2 years before we got right. And she saw a psychologist for about a year of that time. As a husband this was the hardest thing to bear. In the end I think it made us stronger. As for the people that say dump her…. I say this… a lot of people cheat, I would even say most people cheat so to dump her and hope the next girl will be better isn’t the best thing to do. You love your wife, work with her and make things right. Now for the elephant in the room… the pregnancy. What I am going to suggest might be the hardest thing yet. Just know the baby is yours. No paternity tests, love it and raise it as your own no matter what. Don’t question it. That baby will return the love to you and you’ll never be sorry. I wish you a lot of luck, a lot of patience, and time heals most things.
Well, the positive is that she told you the truth when she could have easily stay quite so at least you have something positive to work with.
No one on here knows you nor your wife and your life expectations.
I would advice that you seriously need to have a deep and honest conversation with your wife on how you can possibly fix your marital problems or that you two split in divorce.
You say you love her, but does she actually love you back? Seems not because of what she did.
Adultery is no accident and using liquor and being drunk is a weak excuse.
Wait til the birth of the child (most likely is yours) as you are the one who has been having regular sex with her.
People are going to give out their opinions, but like I said no one on here knows you nor wife and what both of you desire out of life.
If she was your girlfriend, I would I have told you to ditch her but a wife is the closest family member you have.
Only you and your wife have the actual answers to fix your personal problems.
I am sorry, but being drunk is never an excuse. As long as you are conscious and able to walk, you know right from wrong.
If I were you, I would ask for a paternity test first, to see if the baby is yours or his. See where that lands you. If it were me and it was his, I would call a buddy and ask them to stay over. I sure as hell would not stay there.
If the baby is yours, leave anyway as it will show her you are not willing to put up with her crap. It will help to go over your options without her trying to convince you to stay. She can bloody well sweat it out a few days till you come to a decision.
Alcohol lowers inhibition, it doesn't make someone lie to you for months.
You have every right to be mad and leave her, regardless if she did it drunk or not.
It is honestly not that hard not to cheat.
If you want, separate but stay together relationship wise (however that looks is up to you) until you can test if the baby is yours.
From there, let that affect how you approach it. But ultimately even if it is yours, you still are valid in your anger and wanting to leave her.
Standing up for yourself is a good behaviour to model to that child.
Once a cheater most likely always a cheater & although shit happens unfortunately it happened to you. Some would say leave her but if you still love her maybe you two can work it out. As for the child if you choose to stay with her that child will need a father & if you are willing to be a father raise the child regardless if she or he is yours. In addition DNA testing is the way to go & if the child isn’t yours make sure the other father is paying child support on this one. Does your wife still love you?
People STILL know what they are doing even when drunk. The alcohol just lowered inhibitions so she didn't give a damn about betraying you.
Consider this:
This guy is flirting with me. Wait... I'm married. I need to stop.
I'm in a room alone with him and things could happen. Wait... I'm married. I need to stop.
We are kissing and get naked. Wait... I'm married. I need to stop.
I am performing or receiving sex acts 1... 2...3...4...5... etc. EACH TIME... Wait... I'm married. I need to stop.
Yet, she did not. You were betrayed in the most serious way. Kick her to the curb so fast she bounces.
Can you forgive her for cheating and would you leave her if it happened again? Is she going to prevent it from happening again and how? Can you rebuild trust? Is she willing to open herself up to questions that may make her feel uncomfortable possibly offended?
Do you want to work at the relationship and will she be putting in the work?
Lots of things to consider. You need to first be sure this is something you can forgive and see what she thinks about what should be done on her part or what she is willing to do. If there is any resistance this can be an issue being she already took the step towards a possible end. Not putting in work from both of you but especially her will only kill the relationship slowly over time.
This is difficult. Was she raped or was she not? Does she say that she was no longer able to give consent? This would be rape, and it would be wrong to blame the victim.
However, if she was only "tipsy" and lost her inhibitions then it would be cheating.
Things are further complicated by the fact that she may be carrying your child which for me would be a compelling reason to support her unconditionally.
As she is pregnant now, maybe give it some time now. If the kid is the other guy's I would sue for him to accept fatherhood and then leave the woman once that's taken care of.
in my opinion, she knew full well that she intended to cheat. She may have needed the alcohol to get "courage", but if she didn't want to cheat, even being drunk wouldn't have made her unless she was passed out.
Whatever you do, you need to get a paternity test as soon as possible, and you need to think long and hard before you sign a birth certificate or support in any way another man's child, because if you do, you have 18 years MINIMUM that you will be financially responsible for that child, even if she prevents you from seeing it or does any of dozens of things to turn that kid against you. You will have all the responsiblity and none of the authority.
If the baby is in fact yous, you have even more difficult decisions to make...
Awesome! Bruh... this is what modern women are to their core. You can also bet this is not the first time a guy from work has gone balls deep in her, and it won't be the last.
If you take her back she will NEVER respect you and will continue to cheat. To be honest you are fucked no matter what. Just pray the kid is not your.
Talk to a divorce attorney TODAY! No shit. Don't tell her, call an attorney and see if you can get in today and just tell her you are going to take a drive. Don't tell her shit. You need to protect yourself.
Make her your ex wife ASAP. She's ruining it for the rest of the good ones out there. The concept of commitment and love has been tarnished for too long. It's unfortunate you've married someone fake. Please file for divorce now.
I’m sorry about that. I’m not telling you to divorce her or not. You definitely have the right to divorce her if you really can’t take it because spouse cheating is a reasonable reason to divorce a spouse.
However, if you feel like you really love her, you can also consider giving her a second chance, since love is also forgiveness, if she’s sincerely repentant of what she did and begs for forgiveness, then giving her a second chance is also reasonable.
Right now I think you need to give yourself time to think about what you want in this situation, give yourself time to make a decision. And during this time, you can observe her, see if she’s really remorseful.
Well, ill say, for one, don't ever stay together JUST for a child. The drunk part is tricky since we'll, realistically, you have no proof she didn't already have intentions to cheat before getting drunk. I'm willing to bet she did. The drinking probably just helped her get over the guilt.
That said, there most likely is an issue with your relationship that maybe either of you aren't even aware of.
Also having a child together while staying together very easily distances couples even further cheated or not. If your already unsure, it's going to be that much more difficult most likely to regain trust and any emotional desire.
There's a lot of questions to ask her. Like what does she think of your relationship? What kind of life does she want or expect? Etc
Cheating is never a 'mistake', Alcohol is an amplifier if what is in the subconscious, You can get a paternity test done, A blood test uses Restriction Fragment Length Polymorphism (RFLP) to compare the father's DNA with the DNA of the child, so you'll be able to find out if the child is yours or as a result of the affair.
If the child is yours they you have a decision to make which no one but you can make but if you decide to stay and work on the marriage the there one thing that your wife has to do - NO MORE ALCOHOL - and your wife has to accept accountability.
If the child is not yours then you have to consider divorce and you need to start by changing all your bank & other passwords, and lock your credit, I hope that you do not have a joint account as that will complicate things, the biggest thing is not to rush, do not let emotion colour what you do.
Blaming her infidelity on alcohol? Terrible excuse. Get a paternity test done. If the child isn’t yours, hire a good lawyer and file for a divorce. Honestly, if the child turns out to be yours, you can still divorce her, or you can choose to stay, but are you sure you can get past this and trust her again? You have to make her work for your trust. If you let this slide once, she’ll do it again. Stop entertaining cheating.
I think @BadApple69 advice is the best here.
Perhaps you should ask her why did she cheat on you and why didn't she tell you about it earlier.
Her judgment may have been impaired by alcohol.
Check point 3 in the following link:
h-t-t-ps://www. healthline. com/health/alcohol-intoxication#symptoms
Before you act give her a chance to explain herself and ponder about what you'll do, don't decide anything hastefully.
If she has betrayed you that horrifically it is best to just end it. Give her zero emotion and zero chance for closure and to "plead her case". Be silent, treat her as if you are a boss who is laying off an employee. Let all of your emotion come out alone or with your family & friends. Let all conversation be between lawyers. Never speak to her again.
