Why is my friend pushing me toward another guy when she knows I like someone else?

[Anonymous]

I've known her for quite some time and I had always thought that she genuinely wishes my well. However, some of her recent behaviors are making me question her intentions.

So, there's a guy and we kinda like each other. Now, I'm pretty serious about relationships, never dated casually, never actually had an offline relationship (just one online earlier). So I'm serious about liking him as well. He's a good person. I told her about my feelings few months back and she said: "yes, he is a good guy. Most women want such men. Go for it." Things were going on fine. We're not dating each other yet but there's definitely something and both of us are introverts so we're taking it slow.

Recently one day she asked me to come with her to buy a gift. There she introduced me to one of her friends and he was talking to me a lot. I kinda felt weird but didn't think much about it. Next time this happened again, I asked her what was the matter. She said: "he probably likes you. He asked me to convince you for a trip with him. Don't worry, I'll be there." It shocked me and I told her why was she doing that knowing that I liked someone. She suddenly said: "he's not a good person, he is so quiet, you'll see that he'll never love you." I was offended and I didn't talk to her for few days. Then she again called me last evening and said: "let's go for this work. XYZ (her friend) will be there too. He'll be happy to see you." I told her that I'd never go anywhere with her.

Why do you think she's doing that? I used to trust her so much.

[Smart_Monk]

The popular advice of focusing on giving and not receiving, is a good place to start, and what your friend needs to understand is that there is no love without the center being "who". "Who" must be the center in order for it to be love, even if the "who" is someone you do not get along with.

If "what" is the center (like she makes it to be, the qualities of the talkative one) then it is a transaction that might as well occur between two robots. And the only way to ensure that what you are after is the "who" is to only give. If you receive, then that which you are taking involves a "what". Which is fine because there is no giving without receiving but all receptions must be a side effect that you would be ok without.

If you chase the qualities of a partner then the qualities are "what". if you simply want "love" then also love becomes the "what". If you want the person, irrespective of his flaws, then he becomes the "who".

See? love cannot happen between objects. Between "whats". Only between two "whos". And if there is no love, if the goal is a "what" (such as attention, sex, resources) then cheating will happen as soon as another person offers a stronger version of this "what". ㅤ

[HollyK21]

I don’t feel like she’s being devious or untrustworthy, she’s just crossing boundaries that you don’t seem to be properly setting. The thing about opening up to people is that once you invite them into whatever topic it is that you're trying to discuss, often times it gives people a level of entitlement. They feel entitled to sharing their (good or bad) opinions, entitled to overstepping, entitled to doing shit you never asked them to do, like setting you up with whoever they believe to be a better candidate.


That’s why it’s important for you to verbally set boundaries: be firm, say no thanks, say you aren’t interested in the help. If you have asked her to chill out and I just didn’t read that then my bad. It just sounds like the most you said in response to what she did was asking why she did it when she knew you liked someone else. I know that could be quite an eyeroll, because in some situations it just feels like common sense should be in the equation and she should know better, especially as your best friend. Unfortunately, this seems to be her version of thinking she knows better, so you’ve just got to put your foot down.

[Asker]

She's not a child, she's 27, even 3 years older than me. I thought by that age it's common knowledge that you don't try to play the matchmaker for a friend who is emotionally committed elsewhere. Besides she was always supportive of my connection with him but suddenly she decided to drop her friend without prior knowledge. She did ask me what was my expectation from the relationship and I said that I was planning long term. I wasn't even expecting this to happen let alone thinking about setting a boundary because this seems so odd.

[Asker]

And also, she has known this friend of her for two weeks. She decided to play matchmaking for me with someone she knew for just two weeks telling me to disrupt a connection built for 7-8 months. Doesn't that sound pretty unexpected?

[HollyK21]

Sorry for the late response, I’m just getting back online. I read back through the question, then read your responses, and I’d like to make mention of something I did not consider.

On one hand — I hear you 100%. You’d think that not doing certain things would be common sense, but sometimes that just isn’t the case and people just need to be verbally, officially informed. It’s annoying but it is what it is.

On the other hand, she probably feels like your romantic options are still open, and honestly given the circumstances I couldn’t blame her. Emotionally investing in a guy is not a committed relationship, and if you feel so strongly about your connection to that guy then you should just be with him already. You can’t say it’s too soon, given the fact it’s been 7-8 months, so what’s the hold up? Being introverted just isn’t applicable here — you don’t need an extroverted lifestyle to be in a relationship.

[HollyK21]

I fully understand, respect, and date by the idea of taking things slow — I did the same with my fiancé. However, some sort of progressive timeline should be followed, even loosely. 2-3 months is the usual window of time in which people decide to be in a relationship. Mind you, this isn’t asking for the persons hand in marriage, just an official acknowledgment of “hey, I’m going to focus on you and on you”. The dating phase is where you make this decision, and it should not take him months on end just to know if you’re the only woman he wants to prioritize/love/care for, and vice versa.

4-5 months absolutely falls within the realm of taking it slow. If you’ve already been communicating every day, hanging out, going on dates, basically behaving as a couple, why not officiate? 7-8 months, that is full on feet dragging. Given the context, it sounds like over all this time, only a simple crush and mutual interest has been established. So why are you acting as though this is already a commitment? Why are you feeling enraged, betrayed and hurt by your friend who probably recognizes that because of this elongated timeline, maybe the guy she thought was so good for you actually isn’t that great and you should set your sights elsewhere? That’s how I’m looking at this.

So ultimately, I agree that in a sense she is overstepping, and may not even have the best judgement in men to be trying to set you up with anyone at all. I mean she’s got this guy for you that she’s known less than a month, it’s too soon to determine whether or not he’s genuinely good, let alone a good fit for you. However, I don’t think she was trying to be malicious and I don’t feel like you should be taking it so personally. The guy you’re talking to isn’t yours to defend or be so offended over, and until he does officiate things, I wouldn’t put all my eggs in his basket anyway and I’d really be questioning what comes next.

[Screenwriter]

She wants to choose your SO and likes her choice better than yours? Seems pushy to me. I'd talk to her about it before writing her off. It does seem odd. Tell her you're not interested and you LIKE No. 1's personality. And if she keeps insisting about this other guy, you can't be friends anymore.

That's the best I can do with this one. Her motives are unclear. Maybe you can find out.

[Asker]

I've talked to her. She said he once gave her a minor criticism over a work-related issue. That made her consider him unlikable. She knows that I not only like him but have feelings for him and chooses to disrespect them anyway. But I think it might be deeper. This friend is of her is a part of a political wing of which she wants to be a significant member. So it can be that she wants to use me as a pawn. I'm not sure and that's why I asked if it's normal behavior from any angle.

[Screenwriter]

It's not normal. And her disrespect is disturbing. I don't know if you can convey this to her. But I would.

[LuckyNumber7]

Why not try both out? Lol

[Asker]

I don't like people casually, and when I do it's usually very serious. By 24 I've liked three people. I was ready to like them even if they didn't like me back. So of course not down for trying people out.