Girls: does low self-esteem make a guy unnatractive?

[loxagos_snake]

I've been having a strange, jumbled psychology lately. I was never the extremely confident guy, but I've been working on it for the last year. I started working out (in martial arts), improved my shattered college grades, and pushed myself to be more sociable. About two months ago I decided to make a stride in my studies, which involved me staying at home for long periods of time. And that obviously hurt all my attempts to be extroverted.

I've acquired some degree of social anxiety; I feel stressed when a cute girl comes too close in the bus, for example, to the point that I start getting stiff facial expressions and sweaty. You could say that I have a fear of attractive women, but for some reason, I feel perfectly fine talking to them if they begin the conversation; there's no way I can approach them on my own.

There's one thing that has been stressing me specifically , though. I don't want to sound narcissistic or anything - I'm not Brad Pitt, but I've never heard anything negative for my looks; opinions mostly range from 'cute' to 'very handsome'. Let's leave it at 'presentable'. At least, that's what others believe; I don't really know if I'm attractive. So, there are times when I will look at a girl outside politely, but she won't look at me like I'm the ugliest thing alive. This has been very apparent to me lately. and it's really sapping my psychology to sub-zero levels.

I know it's superficial, but it is making me sad. I want to meet girls and date like a normal person, but this low self-esteem is killing all my chances. Do you believe external attractiveness is closely related to inner feelings? What I mean is, could my internal low confidence be making me look unnatractive outside?

Thank you!

Updates

+1 y

I just re-read this and I don't know how clear it is, so I'll just add a line:


What I mean is, if you see a handsome guy outside who doesn't look confident (maybe he is looking down, has bad posture etc.), could your perception of him suddenly change to unnatractive?

[AamuYami]

Definitely your attitude and your emotional downturns affect your attractiveness. I'm not much of a confident person by myself, but I've noticed that when I out some effort and at least try to cheer up, I get much more attention.

People at some point feel it when you're stressed or tired or gloomy, even if you think you don't show it so obviously. Just don't let these bad times affect your self-esteem. You'll recover from this sooner or later and, since you sound like a really nice guy, I guess you'll have a chance with girls.

And if you really want to get their attention, you have to fight this fear and start approaching them by yourself. Many girls are brought up with this assumption that the prince should make the first move. Even if sometimes it's a little bit far-fetched, some of us still have this huge fear of seeming "needy". Moreover, we sometimes even make it more difficult for guys to reach us; especially if you're good-looking, your attention would flatter the girl, but at the same time it would trigger this weird stubborness and a desire to play "hard to get". So the best move is just to strike up a conversation, and you'll be surprised how many "Ice queens" will melt instantly. Good luck!

[jayb0493]

Confidence is one of my biggest turn ons. If a guy is really cocky about his looks that's a turn off, there is a fine line. Though I have been with a couple guys that have a low self confidence, looking down as they walk, bad posture, etc And as long as when I say "you're really handsome/cute/whatever" they don't say "no I'm not I'm ugly as f**k" I'm okay with it. Honestly I feel the same way guys do about this. Confidence is VERY Important, but as long as a girl doesn't argue or put up a fight when the guy gives a compliment, they're good right? Same here. Hope this helped :)

[adamfk1]

only if he's ugly. Dosent matter if low self esteem or high , as long as he's good looking . That's what girls only care about

[jayb0493]

Not true. Check all my exes, none of them are good looking.

[Anonymous]

Low self-esteem is only unattractive to me when it's paired with hardcore self-pity and just a bad attitude in general. It doesn't sound like you have that, and you also sound pretty self-aware about what you're going through, which is a great thing (even though it might be making you miserable, haha).

Plus (this is just my personal opinion), I'm way more likely to be attracted to the quiet guy looking "slumped down" than those dudes who make a point to look as huge as possible and be the center of attention.

[adamfk1]

only if he's ugly. Dosent matter if low self esteem or high , as long as he's good looking . That's what girls only care about

[Opinion Owner]

Why are you leaving the same comment on every woman's answer? Don't feel like actually listening, would rather say we're just a bunch of shallow liars?

Do you people seriously believe that no ugly guys ever have girlfriends?

[TheGoodTheBadTheHOT]

It certainly affects the attractiveness of a guy in a negative way, there's no doubt about that. I know a guy who is built like something a brick sh*thouse would be scared of and genuinely looks like a full grown man at only the age of 18. Basically he could almost have his pick of women apart from his horrible confidence issues when it comes to girls, he gets really shaky like you etc.

Best route of attack is to start off slow and easy with casual looking girls, or even ugly ones. Just start talking to them first and you'll soon find it much easier to talk to the more attractive girls.

[loxagos_snake]

Haha what the heck is a brick sh*thouse? Made me laugh :D

(Nice answer by the way!)

[TheGoodTheBadTheHOT]

Brick sh*thouse - link

[WoIIie]

Girls generally want to be emotionally appeased by a secure man who counterbalances her insecurities and flaws.

If you're damaged goods you can't fulfill that role and girls would find it a chore to be with you while at the same time their emotional needs aren't met. I don't make the rules that's just how it is. Cue the PC bullsht.

[gogogidget]

Everyone has their bouts of insecurity, and some might find the perceived shyness as cute. A touch of awkwardness is intriguing to me, but only if I feel like the guy can step up and be a man when necessary.

Overall, I think it's just less common for girls to initiate. So it might not be that they find you unappealing, it might be that they themselves are shy, or lock up, or they're taken, or they're waiting for you to say hi. It just depends.

[adamfk1]

only if he's ugly. Dosent matter if low self esteem or high , as long as he's good looking . That's what girls only care about

[gogogidget]

Bitter much? Attractiveness is purely subjective and influenced by factors other than just physical looks. While one person may think I'm ugly, another may find me attractive. Am I going to get hung up on it? No.

[SweetAsSugar15]

Well .. confidence is a very important thing to me .. but in your case I would say it depends on his personality

[adamfk1]

only if he's ugly. Dosent matter if low self esteem or high , as long as he's good looking . That's what girls only care about

[SweetAsSugar15]

Not true adamfk1 ... Good looking with bad personality and bad character is a turn off to any girl !

[Cupcaker]

Yep this actually really anoys me my boyfriend said that he has nothing and he is the richest kid at school so i

slapped him

[Anonymous]

If you look good you will be attractive. If she starts talking to you and can now much of a downer you are you won't be attractive

[Anonymous]

only if he's ugly. Dosent matter if low self esteem or high , as long as he's good looking . That's what girls only care about

[dwiller943]

No. It doesn't make you unattractive.

[lilac7]

nope