I dumped my girlfriend because she used to be a bully. Advice?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for six months. Two days ago, she admitted to me that she used to bully girls in her school. She stopped only when she recently graduated from high school (she's 18).

I was disgusted to hear that. Some of my friends were bullied in school, and guys tried to beat me up in school until I beat them in self-defence. Even though she’s very pretty and I’ve never had any problem with her personality before, I just can’t help seeing her as ugly now. After some reflection, I decided to dump her. I wouldn’t even be able to have sex with her now, I’m just so disgusted. Anyway, since then, she’s been sending me so many texts and voice-mails, crying and begging me to take her back. She begged me to forgive her, which made me angry, because it’s not up to me to forgive her. It’s up to the girls she tormented to forgive her. And from what I can tell, it’s only the lack of opportunity that put an end to her bullying.

What do you think?

You did the right thing by dumping her.

You should have done more to try to fix the situation (say what).

You’re in the wrong for caring about this at all.

[Anonymous]

I've done both as a kid but I have been bullied more than I bullied myself. To the extend of it sort of influencing the way I approached people and behaved around them for a few years into adulthood.

Anyways, I regret the bullying. But I don't feel disgusted by people who bullied because the reason we bully is because we fear getting bullied ourselves. And besides, everyone changes a LOT after they are 16-18 (normally anyways).

Did you even have a good talk about this? Does she feel guilty? Your asking us what we think but I get the feeling you haven't even seriously talked this over with her.

To be honest I think your an idiot for breaking up with her because of this. And there might be some details your leaving out but from the way it seems now, she'll be better off without you.

[Asker]

Well, I'm not desperate enough to stay with a bitch. Maybe you would be, but that's up to you.

[Opinion Owner]

Was she a bitch before you knew this? Did anyone around you tell you she was a bitch?

I'm giving you my perspective of your situation and I'm telling you that you probably chose too fast. Enlighten me why you think you made the right choice?

Do you want an answer to your question or do you just want us to confirm that you made the right choice? Because that's what it looks like.

[Asker]

The problem is, it's clear from your answer that you haven't read the question properly.

What is it with people on this site? You can't handle more than two sentences?

I said she's 18. In other words, she has only recently graduated from high school and has only recently stopped bullying. You reply, "And besides, everyone changes a LOT after they are 16-18 (normally anyways)". To repeat: she's 18; this isn't someting that happened years and years ago.

[Asker]

*something

[Opinion Owner]

I read it. Did you read my comment? Did you ask her if she regrets it? Why she did it?

In other words, did you have all the facts when you made your choice?

[Asker]

If you did read my question properly, why did you write, "everyone changes a LOT after they are 16-18 (normally anyways)", as if this were somthing that had happened ten years ago?

[Opinion Owner]

Didn't I say after? Meaning that these are going to be the year(s) which will shape her for the future. And since you keep trying to prove me wrong instead of actually trying it out (or replying with: 'I tried that already' if that is the case). I'm done.

[Asker]

Oh, I see. So I should pull her out of the moral gutter, despite the fact that she hasn't apologized to her victims and despite the fact that she stopped bullying only because of a lack of opportunity? As I said, it's not for me to forgive her. Only her victims can forgive her.

[Opinion Owner]

Seems like I speak Chinese now, good for me.

[palek]

Gee, you're kinda hardcore. Haven't you ever hear of repentance and forgiveness? People can change, you know? For instance, I used to urinate on homeless people until I realized they didn't like it, and then I stopped right away. I've only rarely urinated on one since.

[heavenonearth]

Was she genuinely sorry for what she did, or was she admitting to it as in gloating/being blasé about it? Why was she bullying people? Does she have plans to make amends? Is she working on it? I think those things make a difference. I would've discussed it a lot more, and then made a decision.

Perhaps it strikes a stronger cord in you though, and nothing will make you feel differently about her actions. In that case, when it's to the point where you're disgusted and can't even have sex with her, there was nothing else to do but break up with her. You can't force forgiveness, or be in a relationship with someone who repels you.

[Vesuvius87]

I never got any apology from my former emotional/verbal bullies nor even expect one; for all I know if they apologized I would be laughing and wondering why the hell are they asking forgiveness. I'm assuming that if she told you this, it's because she trusted you; you were someone she wanted to share her past mistake with but guess she was wrong to share this information and from now on might not open up again.

[Vesuvius87]

I think you should have discussed this with her more about it and then judge according to her answers. I think you went hardcore on her.

[Anonymous]

What made her be a bully?

Example. I was a bully. Because otherwise I'd have been eaten alive. I was bullied and so I became a bully. That was in grade school. I'm in college. I've told my boyfriend that I was a bully back in the day. He's accepted that about me.

In my opinion you overreacted.

[JamielovesKU]

I think you could have done more to fix the problem, the past is the past, you should have asked her why she did it. She probably feels really bad about it, that was a dumb reason to leave her, I'm not judging you I'm judging your decision.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Used to be? She grew up and learned from it and became a better person. Coulda at least talked to her about it if it bothered you and see if it was something you two could have overcome or not.

[toulouse]

Id dump a guy who was a bully. I find that repulsive.

think you did the right think.

[Anonymous]

I hate bullies. what pieces of shit... what bitches... trying to pick on people in a disadvantage.

But, if someone is truly remorseful, then I would give them a chance. However, ultimately, its up to you... people dump others for far less.

[Account]

I'm in the minority I guess. I believe you did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. You sound mature enough to be in a relationship. . .

[Asker]

Thanks :)

[JessieMack1]

haha I think he was being sarcastic

[yopyopyop]

I would say it's a bit pathetic to make a poll about it. Just saying.

[yopyopyop]

Seriously, instead of downvoting, have a talk with her and listen to what she says, listen to why she did it. Bullies usually are totally insecure, and her begging confirms it.

And don't make a poll, 5 people making 17% on yes, 35 on no and 48 on maybe won't justify your acts.

[Asker]

Aww. Poor her! So insecure!

Many people have problems but don't take it out on other people.

[JessieMack1]

How old are you compared to her?

[Asker]

I'm 22.

[Anonymous]

What are you? 10? People can change you know.

[Asker]

You didn't read the question, did you? She stopped bullying girls when she was 18 at the end of school. I've seen no evidence to suggest that she's changed.

[Opinion Owner]

You sound like a wimp

[Asker]

Let me guess: you're a virgin who would sleep with any girl? Am I right? You're bitter towards any guy with standards?

[Opinion Owner]

Not a virgin dude but thanks, and quite experienced with women. I just don't know why you're holding something she did in high school against her. People have done bad things in their lives and no one is perfect. You are bitter because you were bullied and now are dating someone who did that to others and you can't look past what happened to you.

[Asker]

Again, you didn't read the question: she is still 18! This isn't something that happened years and years ago. I seriously worry about the reading skills of many of the users of this site.

[Opinion Owner]

You're being petty.

[Asker]

In what way? Being concerned about the recent and extensive bullying by my girlfriend is petty? Being annoyed that someone chooses to answer my question before properly reading it is petty?

[Opinion Owner]

Seriously dude, just shut up.

[Asker]

"Seriously dude, just shut up." = "I've lost the argument, and my pride is hurt." Lesson learned. Read before you answer.

[Opinion Owner]

Not at all, you're just a petty child about this and you're not going to settle for any answer that doesn't go along with your point in why you dumped her.

[Asker]

I won't accept answers from people who didn't even bother to read the question properly. Why are you even wasting your own time like this? Just admit that you're in the wrong, and take it as a lesson for the future.

[Opinion Owner]

SO WHAT if she's 18 still dude. She's out of high school, and you said she's stopped bullying people. I did read the question and I think you are being ridiculous about this.

[Asker]

Still you apparently haven't read the question, and now you've apparently forgotten what you yourself wrote. The fact that it has NOT been years and years since she last bullied someone is a factor that should be considered before you say something like "People can change you know". That is what I was referring to when I mentioned her age. And, if you had read my question, you would know that it was only a lack of opportunity to bully anymore that made her stop.

[Asker]

Maybe you just don't care about personality. If that's the case, just say so, and we'll have nothing more to discuss.

[Opinion Owner]

Semantics. Good day.

[Asker]

No, it's not 'semantics'. I doubt you even know what that word means.

[Opinion Owner]

Keep talking down to me child.

[Asker]

In what way is this an issue of semantics?

[Opinion Owner]

You're 22 and sound like a pathetic 14 year old. Semantics is the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. In this case which includes the logical aspects of meaning, such as sense, reference, implication, and logical form - all of which you are lacking. You're a butthurt 22 year old who's dating an 18 year old who bullied people and you can't look past that because you were bullied yourself. You disagree with any answers that don't agree with yours an insult my intelligence.

[Asker]

And how is "Semantics. Good day." a relevant response to "Maybe you just don't care about personality. If that's the case, just say so, and we'll have nothing more to discuss."?

[Opinion Owner]

Go watch your anime and leave me alone please. You won't be happy until you get the response you're looking for and be supported on your decision.

[Asker]

First, having apparently not read my question fully, you said, "People can change you know". Now you say that I should "look past" the fact that she bullied people. Make your mind up.

"You disagree with any answers that don't agree with yours". Haha. You don't say?

When did I insult your intelligence? I insulted your reading skills. I also doubted your knowledge of the word 'semantics'. I never insulted your intelligence. Do you have a chip on your shoulder perhaps?

[Asker]

Why don't you leave me alone? You didn't read hte question properly, and you give irrelevant answers. I'm happy to have any response that actually addresses the question.

[Asker]

I wanted only relevant answers. But, that's a lesson learned by you for the future.

And I thought you wanted to stop interacting with me. Apparently not.

[Opinion Owner]

No wonder you were bullied in school, Jesus Christ.

[Asker]

I never said I was bullied in school. Once again, you failed to read properly. I said that some guys tried to beat me up. But, the word 'bullying' implies reccurence.

Yeah, bullies really tend to get frightened off by guys who don't have the will to call out other people for their mistakes... That's sarcasm by the way.