I've become unhinged in the past month. I've become more belligerent than ever before in the past decade or so. One of my closest friends was murdered. He lived only a few blocks away and the police found him stabbed to death in his apartment.
I used to give advice against karma, suggesting to cope with the world as it is. To me, that's the only way to preserve our sanity rather than thinking the world will restore some sense of "balance". But maybe I'm a hypocrite. I want to know who murdered my friend, tie these people up, and set these people on fire.
A part of me still believes in my own advice. I've dealt with the loss of loved ones, including a parent, and suicides, and broken hearts. In retrospect, it was always the path to recovery to focus on moving on instead of entertaining vengeful thoughts. I generally don't speak without experience, but here I'm inexperienced.
Murder is different somehow. It's like who killed my friend? I can't look at my neighbors the same. They smile and walk around and I'm wondering who killed my friend. Before I used to look at some good-looking, strong-looking, 6-foot tall young guy and think he was a good-looking guy. Now I'm wondering if he's the murderer. It still poisons the soul to hold these thoughts, but maybe I want to journey into hell, even if it is a one-way trip, to murder TF out of whoever murdered my friend. Poison can be addictive.
My friend was a happy-go-lucky type. He was a lifelong bachelor and was a fun-lover, never worrying about the future. He arranged the wedding for me and my wife in Hawaii. Yet sometimes he rubbed people the wrong way with his over-friendly way of going about things. I suspect he did that in a way that got him into trouble on the night he was killed. I had to bail him out twice from conflicts before just with his over-friendly nature. Yet I refused to hang out on the night he was killed since I was in a tight deadline to ship the product for my job. Maybe he wouldn't have been killed if I was just there.
So my wife found out about my friend being killed, and she came home crying and telling me about it and that's how I found it. And I didn't know what to do. I just said it's "bullshit!" and stormed out and went to his favorite bars, waving his photo around on my phone like some wannabe detective trying to find out if he was with any shady people. I don't know what I'm doing, and I know that (I felt like an idiot), and I got no answers.
Then in one of those bars, I gave up for a moment and sat down and ordered some drinks and some guy tried to talk to me. Normally I would be so friendly in these contexts, but in my bad mood, I told him to effectively fuck off in Japanese. He took offense, threw a punch, I dodged it and broke his face through a glass panel on the wall. Then the staff called the police and I got into a one-sided conversation as though I started it, being only half-Japanese and in a bad mood, while the whole bar testified against me even though I didn't throw the first punch.
I got pissed off at the police for taking sides and told the Japanese that they should have all been nuked in the atom bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki for their submissiveness. Then I tackled one of the police officers and got thrown in jail.
I haven't been like this since my 20s. But I'm unhinged. For all the people who were kind and saw me as a decent guy, I'm not. The whole reason I preached about zen and anger management and Stoicism and Buddhism and so forth is that I needed it more than anybody. I'm the ultimate student trying to get rid of a loaded weapon, not a teacher. I was always a loose cannon. And now I'm unhinged. I'm sorry if I disappointed any people on the way who saw me as something other than what I was.