SuperManiac Unhinged

[SuperManiac]

I've become unhinged in the past month. I've become more belligerent than ever before in the past decade or so. One of my closest friends was murdered. He lived only a few blocks away and the police found him stabbed to death in his apartment.

I used to give advice against karma, suggesting to cope with the world as it is. To me, that's the only way to preserve our sanity rather than thinking the world will restore some sense of "balance". But maybe I'm a hypocrite. I want to know who murdered my friend, tie these people up, and set these people on fire.

A part of me still believes in my own advice. I've dealt with the loss of loved ones, including a parent, and suicides, and broken hearts. In retrospect, it was always the path to recovery to focus on moving on instead of entertaining vengeful thoughts. I generally don't speak without experience, but here I'm inexperienced.

Murder is different somehow. It's like who killed my friend? I can't look at my neighbors the same. They smile and walk around and I'm wondering who killed my friend. Before I used to look at some good-looking, strong-looking, 6-foot tall young guy and think he was a good-looking guy. Now I'm wondering if he's the murderer. It still poisons the soul to hold these thoughts, but maybe I want to journey into hell, even if it is a one-way trip, to murder TF out of whoever murdered my friend. Poison can be addictive.

My friend was a happy-go-lucky type. He was a lifelong bachelor and was a fun-lover, never worrying about the future. He arranged the wedding for me and my wife in Hawaii. Yet sometimes he rubbed people the wrong way with his over-friendly way of going about things. I suspect he did that in a way that got him into trouble on the night he was killed. I had to bail him out twice from conflicts before just with his over-friendly nature. Yet I refused to hang out on the night he was killed since I was in a tight deadline to ship the product for my job. Maybe he wouldn't have been killed if I was just there.

So my wife found out about my friend being killed, and she came home crying and telling me about it and that's how I found it. And I didn't know what to do. I just said it's "bullshit!" and stormed out and went to his favorite bars, waving his photo around on my phone like some wannabe detective trying to find out if he was with any shady people. I don't know what I'm doing, and I know that (I felt like an idiot), and I got no answers.

Then in one of those bars, I gave up for a moment and sat down and ordered some drinks and some guy tried to talk to me. Normally I would be so friendly in these contexts, but in my bad mood, I told him to effectively fuck off in Japanese. He took offense, threw a punch, I dodged it and broke his face through a glass panel on the wall. Then the staff called the police and I got into a one-sided conversation as though I started it, being only half-Japanese and in a bad mood, while the whole bar testified against me even though I didn't throw the first punch.

I got pissed off at the police for taking sides and told the Japanese that they should have all been nuked in the atom bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki for their submissiveness. Then I tackled one of the police officers and got thrown in jail.

I haven't been like this since my 20s. But I'm unhinged. For all the people who were kind and saw me as a decent guy, I'm not. The whole reason I preached about zen and anger management and Stoicism and Buddhism and so forth is that I needed it more than anybody. I'm the ultimate student trying to get rid of a loaded weapon, not a teacher. I was always a loose cannon. And now I'm unhinged. I'm sorry if I disappointed any people on the way who saw me as something other than what I was.

[AmandaYVR]

Super, my deepest condolences for your friend - for his life and for you. What can be said?
I have been consistently impressed by you, by your mind. I'm sad to hear that things have crumbled and you are here now. But I know first hand how delicate a balance we all attempt to maintain, the precipice we walk. Our minds and bodies can only handle so much. Sometimes they crack. It feels like we are made of brittle egg shell and then you wonder why or how it did not happen sooner. It is so precarious. The solid ground on which you once walked feels like an illusion now. The longer you live, the more the odds of it happening to you, that is what I see. Unless you have lived a life of putting up walls, barriers, insulating oneself from that which you fear or know will harm you the most, and you are never unlucky, and random tragedies never befall you.
Don't question your reaction to what has happened. You are in shock. Whatever you feel about it, it's probably not wrong, it just is. Now, or later, you will try to process and come to terms with it. Of course you feel such sudden and overpowering distrust. It is absolutely warranted. This is not illogical paranoia. This is not sudden mental illness. It will be difficult to lay him to rest if you do not find answers. Use that energy, don't stifle it, and investigate. Find out anything you can. For justice, for him, and for yourself. This is not right. The world should not work like this, these things should not happen. And there is no need or benefit to immediately try and get past this. That's what would be crazy.
For your own sanity, and so you don't create more trouble for yourself, you just have to hold yourself together enough to get through this darkest part, this tunnel you are in. Find answers, find evidence, find reasons, if you can. I don't know how people are expected to say goodbye when a death and loss is so sudden. It's not really an expectation, so much as a necessity, however. Go to the funeral, of course, but take your time and say goodbye to him in your own way, whenever you are ready. Right now you are in a very, very bad place, where nothing seems real, it is so horrific it is almost like it can only be imagination, but sadly, no. Just try and hold yourself together, just enough, because time may be the only thing which heals a portion of this wound.

[devilish-cutie]

Im so sorry about your friend.
I dont think you were in any fake or bad. I think you are a good person. Very charismatic. Even reading this there is always your energy that can be felt. It inspires. I think you are really unapologetically ysf and go beyond some things than most people do. That doesn't make you bad. We are all unique. I guess you just have that energy in yfthat makes you do crazy things. I get it cause in some other way i also have that crazy energy in me. Its like the weapon in you that rules you but you should learn to master. You probably should do opposite of what you feel like doing or want to do - which is nothing, be patient, sit still. Most people are ok w this. I personally have huge trouble w it. Everything in life can teach us something about ourself if we are willing to think n turn inward. I think you never really properly learned to deal with your emotions - try to work on that.
As of your friend - you dont know literally everything about him. You dont know what he has done and whats the whole story. You can only assume. And things in life are not really as they seem. I dont believe in karma, life would be just then. But I do believe there is something higher, some energy or law beyond rational logic. Cause if you think it, a lot of things in life can be of very low probability of happening yet they happen. You can see a lot of patterns that show it must be more to this life. Such is love feeling. a magic. But maybe in our limitations we are unable to grasp that logic or maybe we are never really able to. That doesn't mean its not there. A lot of scientist go to such lengths and what happens - they know the answer but they cannot prove it. Often its only an idea that explains everything but cannot be proven. A lot of scientists then start to believe in higher logic. To me, it doesn't make sense that there is such sense in this world but there is no bigger one behind it. How can this one then exsist? Who made it?
Hang in there!

[SuperManiac]

>> You dont know what he has done and whats the whole story. You can only assume.

That's a higher level of thinking I'm generally not used to encountering elsewhere. Generally, I think we want to know things and I don't think we usually can beyond the immediate info required to solve a problem in front of us. I don't even know myself. I surprise myself.

You're cool! I like the way you think.

But a problem I have is that I don't seem that bothered by my friend being killing, not his passing anyway. Probably that's a problem on its own. Something else is bothering me and I can't pinpoint it. It's maybe just being around this neighborhood and not knowing who the killer is. It has taken the joy out of a stranger's smile.

Someone just called me insane a comment ago and I wonder if that's the case... like maybe we shape reality in our minds and things are good within expected parameters, and I prepared for what I though was the worst.. but not this.

[devilish-cutie]

Tnx! :)
You are not insane.
Yeah, life often surprises us, you should never underestimate it.
Maybe you really dont feel anything, i often felt like that at moments of close people passing away. I read that it can be actually that you feel too much so you body defense is making you feel nothing. Maybe, Im sure I cared about these people but I never felt really bad about them passing.
I completely get taht feeling that you know something is off and you can't pin point it. I often get this. Figuring out ysf is really hard actually. But this has caused some affect on you even if its not traditional grief. Maybe if we dont react as we think we should we think its weird but maybe other people are just fake and act how they think they are supossed to. In any case Id say that you obviously have some deeper issue with this (within ysf). Some things in life happen and desolve all our opinions we built on for years.

[dangerDoge]

Hey,
I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. I'm also guessing any words of "I understand" would feel really weak, because I haven't been in the situation before, and your feelings are your own. You only know what you know. The reaction you are experiencing is natural, and honestly, doubting your feelings is a rabbit-hole to nowhere. Despite how inconvenient it is, we can't control our feelings. With that in mind, our efforts are best spent in deciding how to adapt to our feelings, putting ourselves in a positive environment, and letting the mental self-care gradually get us to a better spot. It doesn't matter how much we already know or how wise we are about loss, loss hits us nevertheless.

"Maybe he wouldn't have been killed if I was just there."
That's something impossible to know. Maybe he wouldn't have. Maybe he would've. Maybe something would have happened to you both. Maybe by waking up at 6:01AM instead of 6:02AM 10 years ago, it triggered an event that led to this-- I could go on to the point of absurdity. The point is, we are neither omnipotent nor all-powerful. We can only make the best decisions that we believe are the best based on the information present. In that sense, regret is a curse without meaning. The past doesn't change, but we can decide how to move forward. Revenge won't change the past either.

With that in mind, while the past is sealed, you still have full control of your future. I'm not saying something simple like "move on," since that almost trivializes the event. However, I do think it's important to still take care of yourself at the very least. I'm sure it goes without saying, but there are positive ways to cope with loss and negative ways. (I'm guessing you know more about this than I do even!) You are still in control of your own life, after all.

Regarding that last paragraph, I think you're selling yourself short. I can't claim to 'know' you based off limited interactions on a website, but I have seen you take the time to give well thought out advice to plenty of people on the site. Regardless of whether you think you're a decent guy, the actions you give speak louder than the internal monologue. You've done good deeds, and from my perspective, that means you're a decent guy, whether or not you accept/deny that title.

[AmandaYVR]

I agree with DD. Well said.
"Regardless of whether you think you're a decent guy, the actions you give speak louder than the internal monologue." - This was particularly good, and true.

[talloak]

I cannot console you, never having experienced such a tragedy. I do want to say that the anger and sense of vengeance does not define you, even if it controls you at times. This makes you human, not insane (unless the two are the same!). On the other hand, your spiritual self does not define you either. You would not be fully human if you had no dark thoughts after all this. You are out of balance but you can regain balance with time. Balance is not a slave to circumstance. Falling deeper into the rabbit hole is a choice that does not need to be made. What was true for you and about you once has not ceased to be true. You need to rediscover your own truth to make sense of all this.

[SuperManiac]

Cheers and thanks very much!

[SuperManiac]

I think I'm actually on the recovery path now. Took a bit of a jolt to snap me out of the whole thing.

[talloak]

I'm relieved to hear that!

[AmandaYVR]

Fabulous job, talloak. Executing that is the tough part. But at least you've distilled it into something one can focus on.

[talloak]

@AmandaYVR Thank you!

[lightbulb27]

So you are just angry, and anger gets very unfocused. The root of that is sadness.
There is also.. probably a childhood attribute to this... that is... if you cannot manager your emotions well and redirect them in some healthy way, then have to explore if there are earlier life wounds. Most of us would want to do damage to the person who killed your friend and preach hatred to the others who want to control us (nuke them all).

I'm very sorry... not something in Japan.
I have some suspicioun sexual abuse as a child can be related to uncontrolled anger, but all depends on personalities and how things are translated.

[razelove]

If you want to find the guy who killed him, look for people close, especially if it was a stabbing, which I'm going to assume it was in japan. Stabbing is intimate, you have to get close, and stay close. Besides, most crimes committed against people are by people they know, those numbers go up the more violent the crime. If you do figure out who it is, get some car tires, gasoline, and have a bar b que.

[Anoniemus]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Honestly, I always thought that you were one of the kindest people on here. I am sorry that your friend was murdered and I'm sorry that those people seemed to band together and testify against you due to discrimination.

I sincerely wish you the best and I hate to see you go. I hope you that you come back because I always looked forward to your wisdom.

[HOAAH]

I am sorry you lost your friend to murder. I hope you can find peace with it. You seem very upset and want justice. Maybe, trust in God or the universe to bring karma to the murderer and you just focus on you... good luck.

[chriscdi]

burning someone isn't cruel enough, go all Venezuelan or brazilian on them, they stabbed him? was he involved in something?

[SuperManiac]

Nothing shady to my knowledge except that he did find trouble sometimes just being too friendly and trying to buy everyone a round.

[chriscdi]

damn sorry for your loss tho.

[Texaskid1]

Holy shit.

I hope all works out well.

[Texaskid1]

You mentioned being half Japanese. Is that an issue in Japan?

I have heard that non-Japanese / half Japanese people get treated very differently over there. Is that true?

[SuperManiac]

Usually, it's not a huge issue. In everyday scenarios, it's like a mixed bag -- some people will be extra friendly to me being half, and a small minority will give me a dirty look.

In retrospect, I got a bit heated, was acting belligerent, walked into the place maybe halfway looking for a fight with a bad attitude, and so that probably had more to do with it than being only half-Japanese. With that said, I think it is not entirely Japanese did factor into it a little bit when the police arrived (especially since they let the other guy go Scott-free), and that irritated me a lot.

Fortunately, the police officers here are so docile and gentle that I just spent a night in jail and they let me go in spite of resisting arrest. I'm amazed sometimes since I might have been shot for doing such dumb and impulsive things in some other place.

[SuperManiac]

With that said, I think [being] not entirely Japanese did factor into it a little bit when the police arrived [...]

[nerms123]

I’m so sorry about your friend 😔.

[ShadowofRegret]

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend...

[Joker_]

Interesting

[SuperManiac]

I just realized I spelled my own alias wrong. :-D

[Joker_]

Thank you

[Joker_]

Looks like it got changed

[KaraAyna]

Good take