Living In A Shadow

[bellamella001]

Hmmm I second guess it all the time and wonder if it's ever real. Sometimes I even think I play with my thoughts to much on the topic to believe it could ever truly come to me.

They say love comes once in a lifetime, well true love that is. They say you'll know it when it happens but do you really?? I always wonder if it will find me maybe it has maybe it hasn't. Maybe it could even be all about finding the right person.

To be totally honest I don't know nor do I care if any love I feel is true. Mind games and an endless bunch of tragic lose I have had when it comes to relationships. Gratefully I had made it out with my mind still intact but yet my emotions have dwindled. No longer does it seem to me that all my happy endings and romance stories I always dreamt dare to creep forth into my mind anymore. I am blank to their touch. Blank toward anything that comes from the compassion of another. You could tell me you love me and I probably won't believe you I'll just keep it in the back of my mind to eat away like it always has.

"I would love for one person to show me that love exists just once."

Because relationships basically never work out right they are to me traps. With no exit. No way out if you fall. The easiest way to get the heartbroken is to put it on the line with someone of which I have done twice in my life. Both of which left a sour memory in my mind. It baffles me that just a year ago I was so willing to let love have another chance and here it is a year later giving up on it.

Maybe it's meant to be that I am full of sorrow. Seems no one can break me it's sad. I would love for one person to show me that love exists just once and not have them break my heart. Not have them leave like it seems to always be. Ahem yeah if that happens it will be a miracle. I bring it on myself sometimes and I do blame myself. I know I know I shouldn't but I do.

Every guy I meet I think they are players or they are going to lie to me break my heart and I never give them a chance so I end up the heartbreaker. I don't like to get attached like I used to. I am not the one calling this time. I'm not all over them or even close to affectionate and it causes a blister a argument they feel unloved but I feel secure.

I guess I took over the other side of the role. The role of the ones who have broke my heart and have now become what I never wanted to be. I hate holding hands I hate showing happiness.



I used to be rich with happiness not a moment would go by that I would not talk about the person I was with but now it seems I have lost that loving feeling. Yeah it's complicated but it sucks. Sucks for me and the people around me. It's not me I guess. I don't know how to switch back I guess I've been tainted by my past and it has left me full of anger. I don't even cry. It's very sad.

And it's me it's all me. Not the person I am with or anyone else. I have developed a emotionless adaption of which is going to be the source of my problems. Romance hmmm don't know much of that anymore..Smiling yeah that is old school frowning and evil eyes seems to work better lol....I know what a mess I seem to have become.

I most definitely want to be happy and in love - believe me I'd give anything for that but I fear pain I fear anymore heartache. That is what comes with all the happiness though. Can't have one without the other. I guess love is pain...I guess pain can even make the love disappear. It's like hiding in a shadow wanting to be found but when found pushes all the love away. I'm guilty of that.

"How can one love when one's heart is broken by memories?"

I've tried and tried to make it all work but how can one love when one's heart is broken by memories that seem to haunt and devour the soul at every moment that the clock ticks? How can one trust when one has trusted so many just to have them vanish and betray?



If love is real it's out there maybe I have found it now or maybe I will find it later. I guess I need to have faith in it and in myself because I am the only one who can truly bring my heart to break. I am the only one who knows exactly what I need exactly what I love I wish to have as my own.

Time will only tell if my love that is inside will fight it's way through and hopefully in the end it will lead me through exactly where I want to be and hopefully with every miracle and wish it will be just a bit closer to the one , The one I wish to be true and I'm hoping it's with ...well I could care less right lol :)

[authentic]

Loving the wrong person results in pain, but love in itself is not painful. All the hurtful experiences you have are there to help you answer ONE question, "What kind of guy do I want?" When you have your answers out, focus on them the way you drive. You will get there, in time (just like driving--you end up where you were looking at). No compromises. No mediocre relationships.

[aceyacey]

Thank you for the article, you make me feel real -- and yes I agree with you .. love is pain ..

The more you love the person, the more you're going to get hurt ...

I hate him for making me believe that his love was real, and was was going to protect me for all the hurt before, but he was the one who hurt me the most ..

[xic3manx]

To reassure you, it is all going to work out one day. I guess it takes a little practice choosing the right one, we all make some bad mistakes. You are going to find him, and from your pictures - you seem attractive and slim. The fact that you are doing a law program is excellent, you are not going to be a housewife. Keep your hopes positive and move forward. That's the only way we will get anywhere.

[good-looking-geek]

Obviously you have met some rotten men before, but good men are out there. When you meet him he will look you in the eye and you will not be afraid of breaking your heart again, because by that time he would have already stolen it so that you can't break it. Love is not pain. Love is putting somebody else's needs before your own. When you see a good man who loves you, you will recognize that his actions will say "I love you." And his actions never lie or disguise love as something less.