Living With The Shadows

[BlackRoseFairy]

I read a lot of question and comments recently that had some connection to depression.

This is going to be long, and many of you probably won't bother reading it, but I am going to write this anyway...

Living with the shadows...

Living with the Shadows

I had my first signs of depression at the age of 6-7.

I was always an outsider at school. The kid that had no friends, the kid that was laughed at, the kid that spent the break in a corner or in the toilets. Back then I couldn't understand why. To me I was just like everyone else...

One day the teacher asked us to bring a photo for a project. I knew where my mom had all the pictures so I searched for the box to find a decent one, but instead I discovered something else. Papers. Papers I was not supposed to know of. Papers that proved I was different.

I was shocked... This discovery only made things worse. Now I knew the reason.

For the next few years I thought that I had nothing to do with the rest of the kids, and became even more introverted. I stopped talking altogether. Not in class, not to my parents, no one...

I started wearing my mask. We all grew up together. Me, my depression and the mask. Always there. Providing a secure distance from the outside world. And it worked! No one understood what was happening. Not even my parents....

Fast forward to the age of 23. I was still closed up in my shell, I made a few friends in the meantime but even those were temporary. My best friend declared that she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I was always so negative...

I reached a point where I really couldn't get worse. My life became meaningless. I was working on auto pilot. Walking down the street out of habit, without thinking where I was going to. The only things I noticed around me anymore were ways to kill myself.

I was calculating the speed of cars and if they would have time to hit the brake if I fell in front of them, calculating height of bridges and if a fall would bring me out of this meaningless existence.... so many ways to die. But I was a coward. Couldn't even get this done right...

All those years I felt that no one was able to understand what I felt, how I felt, that I was desperate for someone to notice my condition. I was aware that I needed help, I just wanted to see how long it would take for people to notice. If they cared for me at all to really notice.

You see, people sometimes just see what they want to see...and deny what they can't accept.

I was accused of being lazy, being irresponsible, living in a fantasy if I believed that I could continue living my life like this (oh the irony)

I ended up with insomnia, by energy was 0, I went for weeks without food or sleep, I fought with everyone and about everything.

Then one day I got into a really bad fight. I ended up having my first suicide attempt.

A few days later my depression hit one more peak, one more attempt followed.

I didn't want to die, but I couldn't find any reason to continue living either. After all noone would miss me... I seemed to only be a burden to everyone around me anyway...

It was then that the unexpected happened. I was talking on the phone, well, I tried to... I could barely speak.

And the other person asked me the thing I was expecting to hear all those years.

"What is going on? Are you alright?"

That's when my wall broke. And it all poured out. All those years of holding back, all those emotions bottled up...

I admitted myself to a psychiatric clinic the same day.

The shock that the people around me had to go through was a relief. I know how this sounds, but I was relieved beyond what words can describe. I could finally stop pretending. And I had a mental breakdown because I was unable to handle this situation anymore.

You don't see depression, because it's always wearing a mask

It got better from there. There was finally light in the tunnel. And the future started looking bright...

Now I am ok. I can dream again, I have hope and a future to look forward to, goals to achieve, I can finally feel happiness again, I can laugh and truly feel it.

So, if you are out there reading this, there's hope. As impossible as it may seem, there is...

I'd like to thank you if you read this. I just felt the need to share my experience.

Maybe it is a way to make mental illnesses less of a taboo if we can actually talk about them without being ashamed.

I am not ashamed. I am proud. Because I fought this beast and I won. I am still alive, I am still here. I won.

You can do it too...

H.O.P.E. = Hold On, Pain Ends. ♡

[WolfsRoze]

Wow! What an amazing story. This was a lot to take, and it's awsome to know of someone as strong as you! Small and mighty. You did an amazing job putting this toghter to. Loved the pictures too.

[BlackRoseFairy]

Thank you very much! I am glad someone took the time to read it ☺

[WolfsRoze]

It was a very deep and good, but amazing and interesting. How could I not read it... You wrote it, and I enjoy reading what you have to say. I like how you think... I don't know Lol

[DamonR330]

I am currently helping a friend that is struggling with depression. We talk and it helps her.
Do you have any advice?

[BlackRoseFairy]

The most important thing is to look after yourself first. It is not selfish, it is to prevent your friends feelings wearing down on you.
Being a compassionate listener definitely helps, but it won't "fix" the problem. Your friend needs to get help. Try to put in little suggestions every time you talk. The hardest part is for a person to admit that they need help.
I did some research since I read your comment and this site here is very helpful and accurate. www.helpguide.org/.../
Don't hesitate to contact me if I can help in any other way.

[DamonR330]

Thanks!

[StingRayxoxo]

I'm really proud of you for sharing this!! Keep working hard 😊😊

[BlackRoseFairy]

Thank you! 😊😊❤

[ClaircognizantEmpath]

hey @BlackRoseFairy i love this... living with the shadows... personally i honestly first became aware of my proned make up re depression tendencies... it took upto my mid thirties to acknowledge it and it has been ever since a learning curve of looking back in my life and coping techniques... self medicating is my thing im still evolving this... for me i believe all humans have the basic traits... at core level... when you then expose this soul to life from conception moment it all plays a role let alone dna genetic factors and more... at my current age im at a place where i accept im prone and recognise the repetive play of my life... currently im dealing with it by the so called and perceived good? healthy ways to assist me but sometimes im ok with self medicating with the so called destructive aids... for me so far... im if im made like this the best i can do is cope my own way... however... i choose at the current crisis time... what has led me to this point... we can only save ourselves at the end of the day... xx

[Guardian45]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Although your experience was different from mine, I related to it, because so much of your words could have come from my mouth. And in a very odd way, that realization is comforting to know that I am not alone.

I hope that can give you comfort and strength, too!

[AHughMongous]

I usually make shadow puppets with my shadow look I made a dog.

[patrickstarz]

Living with the shadows? You mean the tomb raider game?

[Secretgardenblood]

Good take

[BlackRoseFairy]

Thank you ☺

[theWhalers]

Good take!

[BlackRoseFairy]

Thank you!