My Mom Found Out I Was Having Sex, How Can I Get Things Right?

Question

So, I went to my grandmothers for the weekend and I started receiving text messages from my mom. She was all like I can't believe you are having sex after I told you not to. I didn't know how she found out so I wasn't going to fuss up until she gave me proof that she knew so I just told her that I didn't know what she was talking about. Then she said that she found out because I was the one who wrote it, she said that I wrote that I was having sex. When I asked her where she read this her response was that she read my journals AGAIN! She did this to me once before and she said that now that she found out I was having sex that she didn't trust me anymore and that she was disappointed in me. The first thing that popped into my mind was "how can you be the one who doesn't trust me? You read my journals and snooped through my room. Yet I am the one who is not being trusted anymore." What should I do? I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I am only 16 I'll be 17 in 4 months and a junior in high school. We waited 5 month into the relationship to even start anything past kissing and I know that I love him. Now my mom doesn't trust me to be alone with him. What should I do, How can I talk to her?

wayway · Accepted Answer

I can't know exactly what your family dynamics are like by just reading this, but there are some important things I note.

First thing is when you say "I love him so much and don't want to lose him." It makes me think, does that mean not having sex with him will make you lose him? I'm sure your feelings for him now are very strong, but I've learned the way you know it is "love" is you love each other for exactly who they are. Would this guy not "love" you if you expressed you felt you were too young to continue having sex with him? If not he is not worth it.

It terms of your relationship with this guy. What do YOU want from him? Or from anyone? It is so important for you to be accepting of who YOU are and be YOURSELF all the time! The person you are with should love you for exactly who you are and vice versa. You shouldn't have to feel pressure to be a certain way or do a certain thing to "keep" this person. There are AMAZING people out there!

I know you don't want to hear it and you have to decide it for yourself and learn these lessens yourself, but if I was with the person I thought I was in "love" with at 17 I would be miserable right now!

As far as your relationship with your mother goes. You are at an age where most adults reflect back to remember how the mistakes they made affected their lives. Your mom is probably more disappointed in herself than she is with you and feels badly that she didn't do a "good enough job" to keep you from making the same mistakes she did.

Regardless of the laws of privacy when your mom reads your journal you will have a variety of emotions effecting you such as embarrassment, disappointment in yourself, sadness for disappointing your mother and many many more.

Your relationship with your mother is right in the middle of a stage of change. You have your daughter and they are a baby; then your baby daughter becomes your kid, then your kid becomes your teenager, then your teenager becomes and adult...when you are an adult you will always be your mothers daughter, but you will no longer be her kid.

At 17 you are winding down the time as a teenager and your mother seems to want to make sure that in the next several years when you become an adult and she has no more control in your life, that you are happy and don't regret anything...or so it would seem.

I think the best way to talk to your mother is to express how it made you feel when she read your journal in a calm rational manor (if you want her to treat you like an adult eventually, you need to act like one!) Maybe say, "mom, I felt embarrssed when you read my journal because I feel like that is my way to express myself and I thought it was private. I also feel embarrassed and like a disappointment for having sex when you told me not to. I know you have a lot more experience than I do and I know you only want what is best for me, but I am stuck and don't know what to do and I would appreciate your help with my boyfriend." Hopefully yyou guys can bond

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hey... First of all... The obvious... If you want to hide something, don't write it down. Now I have to say that I know how you feel... I've been there. I grown in a very traditional family and I am living in a country where sex is still a taboo.. Because church haves a big influence over people. We don't get any type of sexual education, beyond relay on the "sex before marriage is a sin" thing. But yet we are in top at teenage pregnancy in Europe. This says a lot... And my mom, as much as I love and respect her, know extremely basic stuff about sex and almost nothing about contraception. She knew about the condom and the pills, with she thought would make you unfertile. She was the type of person who thinks that a tampon would take your virginity. And this was still pretty ok. There are cases, familys where girls are getting their periods and they freak out, because they don't why are they bleeding. And when they finally get answers the information is still vague "now you are a big girl, and you will bleed every month, is natural" but nobody explain why is this happening. All this censorship is no good. I was pretty fine, I knew some things. But a few years after my first period. I think I was in high school... I started expecting pms and pain in my breasts, and cravings. Things my mom never told me about. So I felt like I have to take the situation in my own hands and I started to inform myself, about periods, about sex, birt control, std-s... From books from medical sites. I had my first serious relationship at the age of 16, but we waited a bit over an year before we had intercourse. And at that point I was already tracking my periods, I knew my fertile window and I would avoid it, I know my safe days and I would stick with them I I always used a condom (until a few yeas later when I moved out and eventually I switched to birth control pills, with my doctor recomandation, of course ) So when I had the talk with my mom, a few months after I started dating him, she started to tell me how bad and risky it is, instead of telling me how to protect myself, so I told her everything I knew about protection and she was impressed, she had no idea about the emergency pill, seeing that I'm well informed made her more reasonable about it, she just told to be sure that he diserve it. So the point is, show her that you can handle it.. That you know what are you doing and you can protect yourself, and she my be forgiving.

Rei02 · Accepted Answer

You know, your mother was nosy, you didn't do anything wrong. I know because of two facts:

1, She read your journals, a journal must not be read by any other person except the owner of it (unless the owner allows it), because there are important ideas and feelings that the owner cannot say to another person.

2. She sneaked in your private life, your sexual life is so intimate that nobody has the right on looking into it.

Maybe your mother isn't only upset about "her little baby had sex with a stranger", she might be upset with the fact that you didn't tell her and you lied to her in order to hide it.

By the way, did you enjoy making love with your special one? Both of you love each other? Because those are the most important things.

Don't take things seriously with her, continue your life with him if you really want it. She has to know that you are growing up and that you are not her little baby. Show her by being more responsible. Tell her in a good way that you are growing up and that she has no right to sneak into your private life if you don't want, and not because you don't trust her.

If she doesn't understand, then that's her problem and you don't have to be worried about it. Also, look for another hideout for your journals. (because you always hide them, don't you?)

If she continues sneaking in your private life, then talk about it with your father or with another family member whom you can trust and you know he/she can make her react.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You probably don't want to hear this but your mom does have the right to be going through your journals, she's your mom.  Your mom probably just wants the best for you.  My parents really got on my nerves when I was in high school, I always got tired of them telling me what to do, but after a couple of years out of high school I started to figure out that they were a lot smarter than I gave them credit for.  I am a junior in college now and probably listen to them more now than when I was in high school.  Right now you need to work on getting your mom to trust you again, it might seem impossible now but if you try then she will trust you again, that is if you even care about that.  I guess I really don't know if you do care what your mom thinks, but if you do care, then work on getting her to trust you again.  You should probably apologize to her and do what she says whether or not you like what she says.  And consider yourself lucky to have a mom who cares enough about you to snoop through your room and journals, I know kids whose parents don't give a crap what they do and what I usually hear is that they wish their parents acted more like parents instead of buddies.

Fitzcarraldo · Accepted Answer

While you're a minor and living in your parents' home, the courts have ruled that you have much fewer rights to privacy.

Sorry.

I think your mom's right. You're too young to be having sex. Your mom is acting like a parent and taking the steps she thinks are needed to protect you in the long run. Your mom's job is not to be your friend, it's to teach you how to behave and protect you from your own foolishness.

I was 17 once, and I got p*ssed off by my parents, too.

But I later realized they were usually correct.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm a little concerned that the only opinions you've gotten on here are ones telling you that your parents are right in this situation. Firstly, your mom definitely should not have been looking through your journals because that is a breach of privacy. More to the point though, I've been in a very similar situation and my parents were the opposite of understanding. It will be difficult for a while, but try to do what they say so that you can gain their trust back. That being said, my parents tried to keep me from being with my boyfriend after they found out (I was 18), and I devised a couple of ways to be with him. If your parents are like mine, they might start tracking you as a way to keep you from being with him. What I did to get around this was go to the gym and ask the front desk to hold my phone. I would tell my parents I was at the gym, leave my phone there so if they tracked me I would appear to be there, and then go to my boyfriend's house. I would take my computer with me so I could still text them back. I did the same thing several times with friends too (aka leavjng my phone in a friend's mailbox/at their house so that if my parents tracked me i would appear to be with them). The most important thing is obviously that you're having safe sex, because you're way too young to be gambling with your future like that. Regardless, keep your head up, I know it can be hard especially if she told your dad!!! It will get better and over time they will forget!

ogasmicbitch17 · Answer

wow I just had a highschool flashback! you sound just like me, and you've got yourself in quite a mess, here are some words of wisdom:

IF YOUR MOM FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE HAVING SEX BY YOUR JOURNAL, DON'T WRITE IN THERE THAT YOU ARE HAVING SEX, OR JUST MAKE UP A KEY WORD FOR SEX, LIKE " I GAVE HIM MY COOKIE" LMAO

OR YOU CAN JUST HIDE OR MAKE A NEW JOURNAL, TRUST ME YOU PROBABLY DON'T "LOVE" THIS BOY, YOU PROBABLY JUST "LUST" HIM, 5 MONTHS ISN'T SHIT, HONEY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, 90% OF KIDS IN HIGHSCHOOL DO, BUT JUST DON'T HAVE SEX WITH A BUCH OF DUDES, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED A SLUT NOW, HOPE THIS HELPED, WISH THE BEST FOR YOU HUN...<3 MUAH

noregret11 · Answer

Its a rough situation.. I have to admit, your question caught me off guard, after seeing the Def Leppard cover art I assumed you were a guy.. then you said I love him. lol Great taste in music anyways...

So This is a hard one. I personally would continue to live your life with the philosophy, have nothing in writing, and trust no one. It seems really cynical and paranoid, but especially when it comes to stuff like this, you can't have proof. Just remember, if you wouldn't want your grandma to read it, don't write it, email it, text it, or record it.

To deal with the damage done.. I would talk to your mom, and basically say what you just said to us. Tell her you love him and whatnot, and say it was a mistake, even if you don't think it was. This may allow her to write it off as you being just young, naive and in love, and will most likely end up in a "never do it again" comment

Pink-Ranger · Answer

Invading your privacy is a big trust issue that was broken between you and your mom. That's going to be a hard gap to fix and it's going to take time for your mom to grow used to the idea of you growing up and becoming a woman. Kudos for waiting so long and not giving it up to just anyone. Make sure you're being smart and are either on the pill or using condoms. You should try and approach her like an adult and speak to her one on one about everything. If she still refuses to be reasonable and doesn't want you with him I'm sorry but you're going to have to respect her wishes until you're 18. My question to you is if you know that your mom is a snoop and goes throw your things... why are you writing personal things on paper where she can find it and read it? Try keeping an online journal or something.

This is a tough one. You need a very open minded parent, and not to mention trusting parent to make this one work. I figure just be PG in front of her but get rated R else where.

ekkks · Answer

I think the only thing I can say here is stop writing about having sex. That's just asking for it. Your mother always knows where your journal is. ALWAYS. If you're being safe about it, that's good. But sex wasn't really a big deal for me after it happened. Didn't change anything, granted, my mom doesn't know because I don't have a journal to write it in. lol She'll get over it, you'd have done it eventually anyway. I do agree with some people who've answered already, 16 is a bit young. Then again, I'm one to talk.

pelirojo_Amry · Answer

you will have to earn her trust back. be responsible, don't put up so much of a teenage fit about things... eventually you will have her trust again and she may actually listen to you then. she obviously thinks you aren't responsible enough to be trusted- and trying to pretend you had no clue what you were talking about wasn't a way to prove that you are.

if this guy loves you, you won't lose him because of your mother, or because you decide to stop having sex with him.

I have to admit, she should not have read your journals, but she is your mother; you are under her roof and you are a minor.

good luck

svon25 · Answer

have actually kinda been in this situation...i was the same age and everything...except my mom found a little bitty piece of a condom wrapper...yes she was disappointed and upset but she got over it...

Your mom will too...just takes time. You have apologized and there is not much else you can do except do everything you can to gain her trust back

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

it depends on how she reacts. if she turns into a malicious bitch and doesn't leave you alone, you might have to move out but if you're sitll being fed and stuff wel then you'll be ok :-)

she's jsut being your mom, she wants the best for you and just wants to make sure you're ok in her own way.

vald9inches · Answer

catch her having sex then tell her the same thing she told you!! lmfao xD

Bee-D-taste · Answer

Take your journal with you. That's what I do.

enlightenment · Answer

how are things going now?

kriskiss · Answer

so how was the sex?

meganthemenace · Answer

Move out and be an outcast.

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