After second date, he wants to be friends.

[Anonymous]

we went for dinner on our first date and had such a great time, laughed and it was as if we had known each other for years. we went to his for coffee (literally) and played Wii. he asked a weird question about what my complexes were and mentioned that he was reading a book about self esteem. I sensed "ex girlfriend alert" so I left and we had our first kiss.

a week later we had a movie date. it was fun and we went to his place and made out. it was late so I ended up staying over. no sex AND no cuddling which I found to be weird.

next morning we went for coffee and it was kinda weird. he was making an effort to talk and mentioned that he worries that he never quite does enough in work and relationships. I was tired so I wasn't very talkative. we walked back to my car and the goodbye kiss was weird. I leaned to kiss HIM basically.

two days later, he sent a text saying he had so much fun with me but maybe we would get on better if we were just friends"

he called later that night and said that he just had this feeling inside him that we would be better as friends. I accepted and he mentioned that his ex was very cold towards him. he said that I had forgot my lipstick so I should come round and get it anytime if I'm in the area and I joked that it was his loss because he was the one missing out on the best sex of his life. he then said call me anytime to meet up for coffee.

now I am confused. I sent him a flirty email and he didn't respond so I quickly recovered my dignity by sending another email apologizing for my previous email and the fact that I may have put him in an uncomfortable position and in my defense, I was having another tattoo done so I was in a state of euphoria. he emailed back with "LOL! no need for a defense, I don't know about women but for a guy, it's always nice to know that a girl is thinking of you in that way."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

also I want to ask him out for dinner, how do I ask? I'm going with the no contact rule for a week just in case I was causing him to get a bit claustrophobic. please advice.

Updates

+1 y

he called last night to say hi and when am I coming to pick up my lipstick. I told him that I'd let him know when I'm in the area. this guy is confusing me.

[mrsvincenoir]

Im not sure why us women do his to ourselves,how does it get so over complicated?

He has said he just wants to be friends,there is the answer.

He ment by that e.mail you sent him that he was flattered-it is flattering when someone likes us even if we dnt feel the same way I think.

He mentioned meeting for coffee as that's the kind of things friends do.

I don't think you were causing him to be claustrophobic,i think that you are clinging on to a bit of hope and making excuses/trying to find away around him not wanting to be more then friends (I really don't intend to be rude there its just this is what we do as women imo).

Look you stayed over and there wasn't sex (guys don't often turn sex down if they are into you) and the next time you saw him YOU had to kiss him.

He has told you in black and white,dont torture yourself analiseing it and looking for ways around it-If a man is interested,he wants you to know.

I didn't mean to be harsh there,ive just read "hes just not that into you", and it really makes you realise how women don't really hear what's being said because we look for any little thing we can use as a reason to hang on in there...so,thats just mho,you deseve better.

[marley86]

You are very right about the "ex girlfriend alert" haha I laughed for a good minute when I read that. I am in a super similar situation too! He is probably in the stage where he is still analyzing his past relationships too. Ugg and then he asked what your complexes were...yep he has some baggage. The guy I have been talking to seems to be looking for particular answers when he asks me questions too, and I don't really like that. It is like they have some sort of "criteria"-which is probably created based on past relationships-, and if you don't fit it perfectly then they aren't interested. It drives me insane when guys do this, cause I just feel sorry for them. If he wanted a shrink why didn't he just make an appointment, instead of dragging you along? I would stop contacting him, cause he obviously thinks of you as just a friend. If you don't mind being just his friend then send him an e-mail telling him to hit you up anytime he needs someone to talk to.

[Asker]

Good idea. I think I'll hit him up in a month's time with an email to see if he's ok. honestly I feel angry at the ex girlfriend for spoling my groove. LOL!

[shybutcrazy]

If you like him and want more than friendship, leave him alone. I am currently back and forth with a guy who swears up and down he's in love with me one day, yet three days after we get back together, he's telling me he feels he's losing interest. I have lost nearly all interest in him because he's playing this game. He's not over his ex yet but I wasn't aware of it until after we'd met and seemed to go crazy over each other. Now he wants to just be friends. I want more or nothing at all. The only way to get that is to NOT be friends. Otherwise that's all he will see you as.

[Asker]

But how do I get more by not being friends? I don't get it.

[shybutcrazy]

You may not get more. What I'm saying is that if you accept his friendship and become a good friend, that's all you will ever be. If you're ok with that, great. If you're still attracted to him and know you won't be satisfied as just his friend, don't be his friend. The better a friend you become to him, the less he will look at you as someone to date/be attracted to that way. If you take away the option of being friends, it's either he's attracted or he's not. Go from there.

[freeview]

Hey, I can feel ur confusion from the description of events. I reckon it could be one of two things going on with this guy.

1. He has low self-esteem.

2. He knows exactly what he is doing and is very good at picking up women (because he seems to have you thinking about him all the time)

Either way, go date some other guys. If he does have low self-esteem then he is the only one who can help himself, you cannot fix him. If he is a playa, then you not waiting around will increase ur attractiveness in his eyes.

My 2 cents

[CerebralCaustic]

he's not interested in dating you. sorry.

"no contact" won't miraculously change his mind. in fact, what you describe is more accurately called "silent treatment."

move on. you'll only torture yourself.

[Asker]

Why would he tell me to come by for coffee anytime? and when we made out he was really into it until I told him to stop. so why would he just lose interest? I don't get it.

[CerebralCaustic]

Perhaps he was trying to let you down gently with the coffee suggestion. Perhaps he genuinely wants platonic friendship. Perhaps he didn't like the way you kiss.

There are a million possible reasons. But they're all irrelevant.

What matters is that he's *not* asking you on more dates.

[Asker]

Thanks. so good to hear from a guy's point if view. I need to accept the rejection and stop living in denial. it's not easy when you have guys falling at your feet all the time. call it karma. thanks for advice.

[shybutcrazy]

You're right. No contact won't miraculously change someone's feelings. However, accepting that someone's not interested (without carrying on and acting desperate etc) and then disappearing immediately following leaves a "space". If that person still has feelings for you, they may come up during this time. If not, the feelings truly aren't there. For the preson who got rejected, the moment you accept it, start moving on and stop hoping. You may get him but if not, it won't matter.

[RoscoesModem]

It sounds like he's ready to date you, but he doesn't THINK he's ready to date you. Tell him you are coming to pick up your lipstick when he stops sending you mixed messages.

All the confusing moves he makes are an effort to get you to do all the work while he tries to "figure out" whatever it is he thinks he's going through. Sounds like a decent enough guy, but he's got to learn how to handle himself emotionally. Otherwise, you get strung along and waste your time.

Be decisive and don't give him more thoughts or feelings than he has earned.

[Asker]

I sent a text on Saturday to tell him I'd be in his area on Sunday and asked if he was available. He didn't respond. I texted again on Sunday to say "R you ok? you didn't respond to my msg yesterday. Swear I have no plans for any reverse cowgirl stunts on you" (private joke between us). He didn't respond. Figured I'm wasting my time and finally got the courage last night to delete his contact info. The whole episode has knocked my confidence because I still can't figure out what I did wrong.

[click11]

He's not confusing he said he wanted to be friends. he obviously doesn't thing that iu two would make a good realtionship.

When you sent the email he didn't respond because it was awkward and he probably wasn't interested in sex if there no relationship. then you gave a reason so he had something to responds to, (to make it less awkward he told you that it was okay and that he doesn't mind the attention but again I think he was trying to tell you he didn't mind so you wouldn't feel bad.

as for the cofee he obviously deterred fromm the sexy email by mentioning coffee, cofee really does mean coffee So sounds like he wants to be there as your friend. so if you want to see him again, don't ask him out to dinner ask him out for coffee as a ffriend. (talk to him about anything you want don't try touching him. Unless he changes his mind about just friends. He sounds like a decent guy.

[Littletad]

He's mentally scarred. This doesn't mean he's mental, it just means that he's at the point of his life, where he analyzes EVERYTHING. He takes dating advice from books and magazines cause he is so stressed about why he and his didn't last or what she did to him.

He needs help, cause he clearly hasn't gotten over the breakup and he clearly needs some support. I think you should give him space and maybe start dating someone else with less baggage.

[Asker]

It's a shame because he is a lovely guy, very funny and very good looking and yet he doesn't think he is (seriously). I'll give him space and maybe just send a catch up email in a month's time just to see if he's ok. he's going on holiday to his hometown in italy for a week then miami for 3 weeks. hopefully that will do him good.

[Yebah]

well, I think he means what he said. Obviously he has self esteem problems, failing at things, looking at himself as a failure. I felt the same before, maybe you could help him change. :) He is afraid and he also doesn't want you to get hanged.

[Asker]

Thanks Yebah. How do I initiate contact? I haven't been in touch since almost 2 weeks ago and the last time he didn't respond to my text when I told him I was in the area to pick up my make up that I left at his. He's going away for 3 weeks holiday next week. Should I wait till he gets back and what do I say?

[scnbabe89]

it means that he is being nice about telling you that he doesn't want to date you and sees you as more of a friend then someone he would date. I wouldt even be friends with him because then your just hurting yourself just forget about him.

[Asker]

Thank you. I'll delete this guy's contact info and move on. thank you.

[scnbabe89]

Yep your welcome no problem :)

[aliba]

he says "coffee anytime" but says he wants to be friends, but what he really wants is low commitment sex. he wants a girl that he can sleep with but without the pressure of a relationship.

[Asker]

To be honest, I wasn't looking for something serious. I was looking for someone to have fun with but no pressure on a relationship. when I look back, I think I came on too intense with my spanish inquisition.

[Yebah]

I'd rather give you the advice of Cerebralcaustic, to make things less complicated. :) Find another guy. :)

[rocksongwriter]

"I sensed 'ex girlfriend alert'..."

What does that mean?

[Asker]

Lol! it means a guy is still hung up on his ex and basically he's "damaged goods"