He wants to be friends?

[Anonymous]

Someone I’ve been sexually involved with for a few months and developed feelings for told me they don’t want to keep having sex with me because they know I want more and they don’t see it being more than that. I said my well wishes assuming that was the end of that, but right after, they said to let them know if I ever want to hang out as friends because they did enjoy hanging out with me.

So they don’t want to have sex because they know I have feelings but hanging out as friends is fine? I always thought the “staying friends” was guy language for I want to still have sex with you but without commitment. So this threw me off cause it sounds like he doesn’t want sex anymore. Before I decide to turn my feelings off (cause let’s be honest, it hasn’t been long or that involved and I feel enough respect for them that I think I could and may want to be friends), can a guy please help me understand this? Is this valid? Or a waste of my energy?

[Anonymous]

Before I decide to turn my feelings off... WTF? Kid grow up. After i read that i stopped reading the rest if your bullshit.. since when are feelings like a lightswitch you can turn on and off? You got a lot of growing up to do and A LOT more maturing to do before you get into another relationship or any relationship for that matter

[Asker]

Wow. Why so much hostility and anger towards a stranger on the interest? Maybe you need to take a look in the mirror before you go accusing someone of needing to grow up.

[boggboss]

Staying friends don't just mean continue having sex lol or not as a whole for everyone guess it's upto you and if that's somthing u are able to do

[Asker]

Okay. Even if it doesn’t mean that. I’m confused how he couldn’t think that being friends won’t also cause the same issues that having sex was for him? Like isn’t he worried that I will still develop more feelings?

[boggboss]

But that would be on you at that point not him

[Asker]

Got it

[BarryLiverstone]

He wants to keep having Sex but is afraid you will fall in love. Sounds like you are falling him. What do you want?

[Asker]

Yea I was falling for him cause of the things he was doing outside of having sex. He acted interested. Anyways, I am new to the area so I do need friends. But if we are going to be friends not sure I want to keep having sex. At least not until I get my feeling completely turned off. I talked to this guy everyday for months. So it’s just a little weird that he thinks being friends won’t also create the problem that having sex was.

[BarryLiverstone]

Your instincts are accurate but it’s going to take work to save the friendship. If you want to be friends then :

Yes clearly tell him no more sex, even kissing as friends don’t do that

Tell him you need a few weeks break to quiet down your emotional feelings and will reach back out next month

Balance your emotional and conversational needs to talking with other friends so you don’t rely on him

And confirm that he is ok with just being friends and wants to be your buddy next year

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes you are right. Mixing friends with sex will only complicate things rn. But yes if he wants to keep hanging out and you have been sexual just know he may want more sex

[BarryLiverstone]

But are you willing to do all that for him? Or would you rather just cut him off

[Asker]

I guess I need to think about it. Being new to a place makes me want to try and preserve friendships since I don’t have many here. And it’s like I’ve already spent half a year getting to know this person. But I do agree that it is a lot to do for someone. I definitely can’t have sex with him anymore. Which makes me sad since it was so great. If I get to a place where my feelings are turned off then maybe. But generally I never just have casual sex. When we first met I was okay with casual because he was leaving for work. But then the way he was with me created my feelings cause it’s just not how you act with a casual sex partner.

[BarryLiverstone]

You were ok with casual because he was leaving the area? I guess that has changed. But I can see why being new to the area means you want to keep the friends you have made so far. Have you felt like at certain times you want sex from him more than others?

[Asker]

Yea I was okay with it because when I came here (this was in April), I was still getting over someone and this guy was leaving for a bit for work. So I was like let’s have sex. But his actions after that were not actions of someone that was just wanting to hook up. At least not from what I’ve experienced this far in my life. He communicated with me every day, called me when I had a bad day, asked me about my day and things I had going on. Literally regularly. So I was like well he’s taking me by surprised and even though I didn’t think I was looking for something, he kind of won me over with his actions. Then as time went on and I was like okay I’m into you and want more, that’s when he was like I don’t want to keep having sex because I know you want more, but let’s hang out as friends. So that’s why I’m posing the question. And yes, eventually I stopped seeing others because of the attention he was giving me. Shortly after was when I expressed my feelings.

[BarryLiverstone]

That makes sense. I can see from his perspective that he probably has had a good upbringing and didn’t want to just use you for sex. So he’s been communicating and treating you better than maybe other guys have in the past. Part of that also makes me think he’s older or more mature. Why isn’t he moving away?

[Asker]

He just leaves for work sometimes and then comes back. It’s not a moving thing.

[BarryLiverstone]

That explains it. Well I answered your question. Don’t want to keep asking follow ups and distract you

[Masterodd]

move on, and don't look back.