My boyfriend is afraid of arguing?

[Anonymous]

he grew up with a lot of arguing in his home, and when it comes to disagreements or times where he feels there might be, he shuts down or filters himself. he won't express himself, if i do something that pissed him off or if i annoy him or something is wrong he will not tell me to avoid arugments and if i have a problem he gets scared and shuts down and or distances himself a lot. i grew up where expressing was a needed thing, I don't know what to do

[TheStrawberryQueen]

You need to make it clear to him how you feel about this. You are both in this relationship together. Arguing is a healthy thing, otherwise you two might end up with those emotions bottled up inside until you explode and do something you regret. There's a point where arguments should stop (like if it gets physical or too hurtful). It's nice that he cares so much to be cautious over such things, but if you really feel like there needs to be an argument then maybe it is something else in your relationship that you're not happy with. Maybe you feel like he can't trust you enough to speak to you about how he feels? This is just a thought. Make him see your side, but don't force your opinions onto him. Just encourage him to speak up about it. Baby steps.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a close friend of mine, and I HATE this kind of behavior! It breeds two-faced traits because they never tell when something bothers them, but then they go and talk shit about you to other people because they haven't got the balls to try and do something about it.

There is nothing you can do, because it's all in his head. This something he needs to face and deal with. Hate to say it, but if he can overcome this it will lead to a bitter break up. I've watched my friend lose a lot of people including girlfriends over this.

If he does something to upset you, ignore him until he comes to you about it. Or, write it down on a note pad when he can find it, then let him write down his answer. It's less threatening for him.

[SinfulAngel1999]

I want to start off saying I grew up around a lot of fighting in my household, I am also afraid of arguments. You really need to accept him the way he is he could be really emotional or he could shut down a lot. Just be there for him as muh as you can it's the best you can do without him opening up. Him not sharing his feelings with you is a personal choie but it might put strain on your relationship. If his situation is to much for you then you shouldn't be with him, because he needs to accepted

[Asker]

thank you :)

[LovesWomen]

I have that problem, too. So does my woman. Eventually, I got to a point with my fiancee where we can talk freely without all that old stuff coming up. We learned to talk to each other without assigning blame.

Until you get to that point with your guy, try slowing down such discussions and turn it into a no-drama conversation rather than an argument. Keep the emotions in check. That ought to help.

[JohnScofield787]

Well you both need to learn how to argue... if you get emotional when you are argue, he ISN'T going to be able to handle that. At the same time, you aren't going to be able to handle him shutting down.

You have to talk about and sort out how to work through this...

[Sairres]

I'm afraid of arguing too. I despise arguing with my partner in a relationship and I shut down to avoid a fight... which just makes it worse later. He (and me) has to learn to communicate better. The biggest reason I shut down is because I don't want to say something that I know will hurt my partner's feelings. I don't want to increase their anger or discomfort, and I have a hard time voicing my opinions during disagreements. Learning to communicate better is very hard. It's not something he'll be able to do overnight so try not to get upset with him about it. He cares about you and your feelings. That's why he's like this, so try not to get offended by his quietness. He's holding it in because he's afraid you'll get mad and hurt if he lets it out. If you can show him that you can control your temper no matter what he says, then that'll really help and encourage him on his path to communicate better.

[carpediem93]

Oh wow... I'm the same exact way. Whenever I'm in an argument with my partner, I shut down. He is actually the one who brought it up one time. He said he has noticed that whenever an argument between us gets too heated, I always stop talking and my eyes get this blank look and it freaks him out. He said it makes him really upset whenever I do that because then he isn't able to fully express himself and has no clue how I really feel. He also said he doesn't like how I never communicate whenever he does something to upset or irritate me. He says the only way he can tell when I'm mad or upset at him is by the bad vibe he gets from me-- How does your partner usually react when you shut down?

[Sairres]

It's nice to know I'm not alone with this! What you wrote is exactly what happens to me. I may sulk or refuse to talk about the subject which really irritates my partner. My last girlfriend would always ask me what's wrong and I'd refuse to say. I think it got to the point where she was slightly paranoid that I was always upset. She could "feel" I was upset even when I wasn't. She would constantly ask me what was wrong even when I had no objections or felt no disagreement about the topic. Ya, I'm pretty much the worst with communication in relationships. This even extends to friendships, but I'm slowly getting better. I think I'm just not the arguing type. Instead of yelling when I'm upset, I close my mouth and refuse to speak. Not the best habit, I know. I think it stems from my shyness growing up. Is it the same with you?

[RedThread]

This can be difficult because I grew up in a household with screaming and yelling quite often so I understand where he's coming from. The problem with that mentality is that things fester and grow into things that are blown way out of proportion like a bubble before it pops. Try to communicate with him that you won't be mad about him communicating things with you. Healthy communication is necessary in a healthy relationship.

[Asker]

I've come to the point where I can't make him talk or communicate with me, and the more I push to or bring up any conversation of it, it just pushes him away a little bit further. but yeah i tried talking in calm voice, in a chilled conversation manner, I've told him i won't be mad, but the more i bring it he just becomes more distant

[godfatherfan]

Unless you go to therapy you just have to try and find a common ground to communicate.
I grew up were we got mad and said what was on our mind, then 3 min later we forget about it and move on.
My ex wife would hold on to things for days. it drove me crazy. Sometimes an hour after an argument I very literally didn't even remember what the hell she was mad about. It caused a lot of friction through the 25 years we were together. You really need to figure it out. If not, do not move forward.

[QueenOfPerfection]

Don't call it an argument, call it "communication". When you have things tk discuss talk to him easy and slowly don't shout or yell no matter how angry you are show him that you're sad and these things hurt you. Give him some time to speak his mind too. If he loves you and can't stand to see you sad he'll do sth about it. So don't argue, communicate :)

[LunaMay]

I'm the same, I dislike and try to avoid conflicts/arguments whenever possible because they make me uncomfortable (I grew up in a family that argued a lot in the past, not so much anymore though). I'm still learning and trying on my own to better express myself and my thoughts but it's difficult to. My friends are trying to help by encouraging me to voice my opinions or comments rather than keeping it shut to myself. It might take sometime but try to do the same if it helps.

[DestinyAngel3132]

My boy is pretty much the same way sweetheart I freaking cheated on him all he said was "I'm not mad". And its just something that happens. If your boy grew up with a lot of arguing he probably thinks back to it and just hurts and doesn't know how to express himself without yelling. Give him some space sit him down in a quiet room and talk to him. Don't give him heck just ask him what's up.

[manbeapig]

you're a cunt. he deserves better even if he didn't stand up for himself

[DestinyAngel3132]

You know what everybody fucks up sometimes and I bet you've cheated on somebody. So FUCK THE HELL OFF!!! Thank you have a nice day.

[Keyspirits]

He explains himself exactly like meh. Why do u even want argument? We don't even need to effen argued ever damn time cuz it's not kool. I hate arguments myself and I can relate to him. I've seen enough violence in ma life to finally understand how horrible and terrible arguments can turn out. Do u wanna brk up or what? Arguments is u healthy. If he didn't back himself out, maybe u COULDVE got ur brain bash to the wall ;P

[Asker]

maybe I worded it wrong. I don't want a lash out or any violence. but he's so afraid to get into a verbal argument that he won't express himself to me. and I can't express myself to him. and he's not abusive in anyway and neither were his parents lol, just fought a lot verbally

[Debbie2020]

I don't think she's saying she wants to argue. She's saying that he needs to express himself when something is upsetting or bothering him, not just shut down.

[Keyspirits]

Let'em be. It's best to avoid arguments cuz it could turn nasty. Juz know what's right from wrong and don't make him jelly or upset him. Juz have a happy relationship without arguments. Live life the way it is #YOLO

[Anonymous]

I grew up with the same thing, but, I revel in the argument. Perhaps he will eventually get past that emotion but I can tell you from first hand knowledge that unless he was abused in a serious way he should be used to fighting for survival instead of running from it.

[chadsten]

You're both lacking communication skills, talk about it (not argue), and if that doesn't work then you should seek a counselor. It's not only a relationship killer but a life killer to not be able to communicate properly.

[lee3000]

I have a really hard time expressing myself when I am nervous or upset. I have never been a very social person. I was bullied a lot growing up. This caused me to be shy and distrustful of people. This lack of communication skills has made me distrust my ability to express my feelings in a way that will not make things worse. Have you talked to him about the things in his childhood that hurt him?

[catpetter]

He is having trauma triggers from any arguing. I won't be productive to solve problem with open conflict. This person might respond better to thougtful notes, that open the door to discussion.

[Datamancer]

Well, from what it seems, he's bothered by direct or aggressive confrontation. Try just easing him into talking about it. Ask him off-handedly or make it sound like an innocent question. Mention it in conversation and make it as subtle as possible - maybe he just needs the assurance that it won't escalate into an upsetting or aggressive argument.

[imtoofab]

just let him be. maybe the arguments in his home became physically violent after arguing and stuff like that and is afraid the same thing is going to happen to both of you

[ixi10]

Give him space to process everything himself before you demand a discussion

[islands7]

Counselors & books on this subject can teach HOW to Argue in a more productive, happy way

[Batithi]

Don't annoy him or ague
Try to get along with his ideas
or you will be sorry

[Pjhawtie]

He really loves you so he doesn't argue.. But you gotta smhw get inside him.. Undrstnd him from there.. Coz he's got a problem or something in him which is eating him up and thts d reasn for dis behaviour.. You gotta undrstnd it and solve it soon..

[Maxemeister]

Try not to annoy him as much, but make it clear to him at the same time that his opinion matters

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a pansy what guy can't stand up for him self. I grew up in a really bad household but I don't ever shutdown because of someone.

[sexyalex]

My boyfriend similar but I don't worry about it to much, love him and appreciate he doesn't shout at me, but understand, really wish he would at times x

[This_guy_here]

Talk time. Sit him down and talk about it any other time nothing else has happened.

[Anonymous]

Teach him how to argue. It will help him a lot in life.

[Asker]

how do i do that lol? he shuts down completely and won't talk to me until its over

[Opinion Owner]

get it out of him duh

[4kicks]

Not much you can do besides be patient and ask his opinion when needed. I'd literally fight the devil to a standstill but i lost my nerve with gfs

[Starfishlover]

Be careful, people like that are likely to snap.

[manar]

try to understand im more. just be lovely

[jmmmfi]

he sounds like me

[segorossi]

he sounds like me