He's starting to pull away?

[Anonymous]

My SO used to be very affectionate and would text and call me all the time. I'm one of those girls that gives him space to enjoy his hobbies, go drinking with his buddies, etc and I never nag or over text him. He has his space, I think it's healthy that way. I do give him lots of TLC when we are together. Back massages after work or the gym, cuddling during a movie, love making, he gets tons of affection. Well, lately I've noticed that he doesn't text of call me like before. He barely has anything to say about anything. He said that his life is too predictable and therefore he has nothing to talk about. Instead, he listens to me, which is good, but I wish he was more engaged in the conversation like before. He also doesn't text or call me like before, I have to initiate it if I want to talk to him. I'm feeling kind of confused, and worried. Is he pulling away from me and if so what should I do?

Updates

+1 y

With him lately it's like I'm talking to myself. He doesn't talk much anymore and he just seems distant in his actions. Like if I don't say, "hey how was your day at work?" he probably would go the whole day without talking to me; unlike before where we had an open line of communication.

[soneoak]

Sounds like me and an Ex.

Lol.

Some people start kicking back and relaxing because that's one of the things you'd like to do in a stable relationship.

It's not that the passion has run out, or that "OH SHIT, things are going to end".

Relationships aren't built solely around intense emotions and feelings etc. Not everything has to be 'action action action!'.

If you're bored, say you're bored. Real relationships are about "US", he's try to figure something out to make it fun with you once in a while maybe.

It also depends on the girl.

This is where compatibility comes in. If you like more activity, and he prefers quietness, then you both have to negotiate some sort of balance that is fair to both of you. If negotiations fall through, you gota deliberate it. If that still doesn't work, then it's time to break up and find some one who's more compatible.

Be fair to him as you be fair to yourself. He needs a less active girl, and you need a more active guy. Nothing personal there, it's just who you guys are.

However, if it is mainly miscommunication that is happening, and you're looking for signs that don't exist, then deal with that appropriately as well. Don't attempt to judge intents from actions, you don't figure out a problem from the solution.

It takes two hands to clap, affection is a need we share to help each other feel fulfilled. Spontaneity etc are stuff we would like to have (wish list) that keeps things interesting, but are not relationship 'requirements'.

Communication is balanced around your perception and his perception. If what he says or do isn't what you're hearing, then that's where miscommunication is. He could be thinking "I'm engaging, I'm not distant, I'm interested", while you're analysing everything on your own without any of his real input.

Both parties are at fault here if that's the case.

You could be right, AND you could be wrong. Best to discuss with him rather than follow other people's misinterpretations of his actions.

[herboosboo]

Now that, is what i call a sound advice..
Bravo!

[gray_sailor]

Totally agree with you @herboosboo. The tip off for me was seeing writing that is organized around paragraphs. A shoot from the hip answer can be written in one sentence. A well reasoned thoughtful response takes like... Words and punctuation and stuff.

[mth692]

Well I've never been in a serious relationship before or dated for that matter. But, I can relate to your SO's behavior because I have a tendency to exhibit that behavior to an extreme degree. See, I have high functioning autism (Asperger's), which is characterized by a slower development and understanding about the emotional and social aspects of maintaining a relationship or having a deep, intimate conversation. In short, my emotional and thought management aren't always in sync. Sometimes, I might hit a lot of walls and pauses trying to really delve deep into my feelings. So, I would feel awkward speaking in that situation because my thoughts may not make sense when it comes out and I secretly feel a little dumb. I just might need some time to get some thoughts down in writing to make it sound more coherent. Same thing with reading non-verbal cues and processing all that along with what is being said to see a bigger picture or reading between the lines. It can feel mentally tasking at times, so I just have to say, 'Whoa, slow down for a second. So, what trying to say is... and just ask a bunch of questions to make sure I fully comprehend what is being said. Unlike a lot of people, these aspects aren't as free-flowing for me and I have to just think about it sequentially rather than just being instinctive. Going back to my troubles with thought management, another autistic characteristic is obsessive interests. I guess that happens to keep me from encountering too many environmental stressors and to just keep me level-headed. I'm kind of a real observant and reflective person; my inclination is to find comfort in just thinking and not really talking, besides asking questions, unless I have something pertinent to say. Although my perspective is distantly related, I hoped to offer something and we both could learn something from each other. Here is some advice/thoughts I've received from my therapist I have been seeing for my condition:

[mth692]

You just have to be explicit about your concerns and make him feel comfortable to slowly express any concerns and/or questions he has through your love, understanding and patience. The few relationships my therapists has seen with other men with those social and emotional defeciencies, the women would take the lead a lot of times in those departments. Notice I didn't say all the time because the right woman can help a guy become more open. It's a methodical process that is different for these kinds of couples. Setting up routines and let's say talking about one feeling a day or setting aside some days to work on a particular issue makes the task seem less daunting. But, like I said for some that might feel like an extreme level of patience and understanding. Could you relate to someone like me and be able to work with someone like me in the context of a relationship? Sometimes, the newness of a relationship doesn't make these problems apparent unless the man is upfront about it.

[Bliss1321]

a lot of people on here seem to think it means something is really wrong with your relationship, but to be honest I had the same thing for about a month and a half and it seemed to be getting worse. One night after a few drinks I finally plucked up the courage to tell him and we had a huge discussion about it that I'm surprised didn't turn into a massive fight. The next day (when we were sober) we had a proper conversation about It, I was basically saying it might be time for us to go our separate ways but he was adamant that wasn't what he wanted. He couldn't believe how ignorant and oblivious he'd been just because he was busy with work and etc and even teared up a little when he was talking to me. He basically said he couldn't believe he's been so stupid, and that the thought of me feeling that way while he thought everything was fine was heartbreaking. It's been a few weeks now and we're doing so much better, we both make a much more conscious effort and I feel as though our relationship is stronger if anything, because of what we've been through!

[gray_sailor]

This goes hand in hand with men's ability to compartmentalize and tendency to problem solve. You neglect the relationship precisely because it doesn't seem to have any problems that need addressing. Focus is for problems. No problems, no focus.

[gray_sailor]

Oblivious is the magic word here. Unaware of or unconcerned with your surroundings.
Women tend to doubt the "unaware of" usage and jump right to the "unconcerned with" usage.

[SoftlySpoken]

this is a great answer, and coming from the opposite sex- wow. I agree, its not necessarily something that is happening within your relationship, he could be battling his own demons. He says his life is predictable- sounds sort of depressed to me. I know guys aren't good at verbalizing problems. He might have something on his mind irrelevant to your relationship. a lot of guys shut down when this happens. Could you maybe gently ask him if anything is wrong? Not necessarily about your relaitonship but anything in general.

[gray_sailor]

Thanks @Softly spoken. It is with some authority that I speak to obliviousness. When my wife and I were first dating, (2nd marriage for both her & me) I admitted that obliviousness was a personal foible of mine. I did this not so much to earn a "get out of jail free" card or to have I "told you so" rights. My reason was to let @GraySailorsBride know that I needed her to make up for my shortcoming in order to defend our relationship.

[gray_sailor]

That would be @SoftlySpoken

[tay554]

I have had the exact same thing happen to me before. My guy i and would have some deep conversation, tell each other how much we care for the other, do the really fun stuff, same as yours. Then all of a sudden i am the sole reason we are talking at all and it's like no effort is put into speaking back, short and dull and impersonal. I just did the same, not in an obvious way and slowly but surely i get texts from him first, then he randomly says he misses me. It takes a while, it has happened a few times i used to think a lot of it and now i just know that with time things go back to normal. Something that also severely helped is just talking, about something personal that he then relates to and things get deep and back to normal. I know this is super long but i really hope it helps some. I wish you the best of luck :) I'm sure things will work out

[Coffinspire]

I went through this with a lot of guys I was with. I think what happens is the "honey-moon stage" goes away and you become more comfortable with each other moving on to the next stage of the relationship (where it gets a little more serious) and guys interpret this as "maybe I don't like her anymore" and start distancing themselves to break it off. Or he could just be getting too comfortable. Try playing with him a little bit (tickle him, poke fun at him) that's what I do when my husband gets in those funks and it snaps him out of it. I hope that helped!

[Reavertxm]

I agree that you should ask if their is anything bothering him. If he avoids you then try to press the conversation and tell him that its starting to worry you. It sounds like you had a great relationship and if their is something wrong with it then it needs to be fixed. If he thinks your relationship is unsalvageable then it would be best to get out then to both be miserable and have to worry about whats bothering the other. I'm not saying that is the case but it would best then staying with someone that doesn't make you feel happy or complete inside.

[Destinybae]

your giving and gave him too much space by that there became a grate and distant gap between you and him. because of that he values you and the relationship a lot less. now he's like ehhh, ill talk to her. that spice was killed by you not being clingy enough and too distanced. your suppose to be clingy and involved in bits life. both of you are, or the need and spice dies. in order for him to initiate and put life back on your relationship there has to be lots of effort, attention and you can't b give him space. your his girlfriend your suppise to be attentive in his life not guve him lots of space. some is good but not a lot

[nobuddyaskinfoit]

Same exact thing was happening to me with my boyfriend before we broke up... Things were looking pretty dismal, so I told him I loved him to try to salvage what was left of the relationship. It backfired horribly because he didn't say anything, and when I confronted him the next day he said he didn't feel the same way. Like your boyfriend, overtime he was becoming less and less like a boyfriend to me and stopped texting me about his day and had nothing to say when we talked. It crushed me to find out he didn't like me as much as I liked him, but I'm glad I found out. Not saying that is necessarily the case with your bf, but you should be careful to protect yourself because it sounds like you're being really careful to respect his feelings and he doesn't really know that you're suffering and want to be closer.

[Paris13]

As wise as I am here, dear, it sounds like he is 'Pulling away' because he doesn't have the nerve to tell you what he is really feeling and that Is-----He barely has anything to say about anything. This also includes the cold communication fact that he doesn't want to be in a Real Relationship nor to be hooked a the hip. All the signs that you have just mentioned are not mixed ones, but A Raised Red flag that he wants to be free, even though you are "one of those girls that gives him space...'
You both need to sit down and lay things on the love line. It's only going to get worse, continue down a beaten path, where it will end up a War of the Roses where you both end it, without Anyone having Anymore to say and... nothing more you can do.
Good luck. xx

[Knucklehead]

It's hard for boys/men to talk about their feelings/emotions. We're not raised to behave that way. My marriage ended because my wife wouldn't tell me what she was feeling. How's that work?

[Paris13]

I guess the street goes both ways, doesn't it, Knucklehead? Open lines of convo to be open and honest on both ends... And it yes, it usually ends with this.. I am sorry for your 'loss.'xx

[Anonymous]

I think he got too comfortable with you and he seems to be bored with the relationship, it's too perfect, there's no challenge, no spark for him. It's too mundane. I feel like you're putting your best behavior around him and he wants more. Guys want to be challenged in the relationship. They want to learn new things from you and vice versa. They love the chase and once they catch you, for some guys it's easy to get bored with the relationship routine. I'd say try and find hobbies together, go on more spontaneous dates or try new and exciting things together. If he's still being distant or is reluctant move on.

[AmongTheApples]

No, but if you nag him about it, then he will. It's unrealistic to expect a guy to text and call you and make as much effort as he did in the beginning. At some point, we have to return our attention back to our lives and improve our situation in life, which we've been neglecting to some extant in order to attract your. People are going to get busy, go through good and bad times, and all kinds of others reasons for which our attention is going to vary. It's natural.

[Kalinda]

Saying more than three words to your partner is not special attracting device behavior. It's just basic communication.

It's also reasonsble to communicate if you feel things are off. Nagging has nothing to do with it. It's just checking in. If there's no problem in the relationship then it shouldn't bother him to be asked. If there's a problrm she has a right to know.

Communication in a relationship is " natural". Unless you're hiding something or don't want the relationship or are suddenly the kind of person who doesn't like to talk. Any of those things would be important for her to know bc she may not want to be in that kind of relationship.

Preemptive of accusing her of nagging if she decides to discuss snything is pretty lame and childish. especually if you're really 34.

[AmongTheApples]

@ Kalinda No. You misunderstood me and misinterprate her situation. There's nothing wrong with communication; but she, like a lot of girls, has an unrealistic expectation that he nor any guy will (or possibly could) met. At some point, the honeymoon phase has to end, and he has to turn his attention more toward his friends and family, and bettering himself and his future. I'll grant you that she might not be nagging him now, but she soon will be, unless she listens to me and changes her expectations to something that's actually possible. Girls who think like this don't bring it up once; they bring it up over and over and over, until we get tired of hearing about it. She can't always be the center of his universe. It's never going to be the same; it can't be.

[yct6502]

I agree with what you said. I think the honeymoon phase is not over and his true personally is showing... he may just be a quiet guy that doesn't like to go out and talk a lot. But when you are chasing a girl you may try harder and after a while you kinda just return to acting normal.

[yct6502]

now**** over

[dollme777]

I would just be upfront and tell him how you feel, ask him why the change before he slips away an u never know. I know how it feels and it sucks cause you dont want to say to much because u want to do the right thing an give him space. But sometimes you have to talk it out so its better for you. We can give u advice on what we think it is but he only can tell you the truth.

[Frost_Byte]

He is most likely getting bored with the relationship. I would try to find new tgings to do together. Maybe go out more. Maybe introduce him to some of your favorite bands and maybe he will like them too and u can go to concerts and stuff. Just find new hobbies that u two will both enjoy and can do together. Good luck :)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's losing interest in your relationship, this has happened to me before. If his life is "too predictable" try surprising him one day after work, have his favorite dinner prepared, give him a full body massage, try out a new sex position!

[msinvisible1]

Maybe you should give him a little space and let hom miss you. Dont be a predictable factor in his life. He may just be so use to you initiating everything he doesn't feel he has to put in the effort. Let him miss you.

[incognito121]

I think you may be reading into it to much, but communication is essential and if. you feel this way maybe try spking to him and explain how it makes you feel and you feel a little insecure... if. you dont tell him he won't know how you feel

[MattH]

i did that when i left my ex but she knew it was coming so we ended pretty well on good terms, just talk to him and see what he says, since you dont see anything coming i dont think you have anything to be immdetiatly worried about :)

[PiuBelloAmante]

ask him if everything is ok
tell him that you are worried about how your relationship is going
Let him know you care and want to make things right, that is the most you can do
good luck

[lalita24]

look when things go down like this i think the best thing to do is to just ask him to have an honest conversation with you and tell you what's up? why he changed? because i feel like it is unfair that you have to accommodate to him in this situation. worse comes to worse if this is a way for him to break up with you then you will ease your pain and avoid a lot emotional torture , trust me... i could be wrong too

[blueberrybaby]

He responds with everything is predictable so maybe he feel's bored. And instead of how was your day a work. Maybe try what happened today at work?

[Anonymous]

Hey girl, I've been through the same with me exboyfriend. I got really annoyed and ask him all the time while he wasn't saying anything (he didn't talk for 2 days ) and all that. That really pushed him away and he broke up with me. Dont think about it. When he doesn't talk, send him a sweet text that you think about him or something like that. there's nothing wrong, he is just getting comfertable with you thats all. Hope you have better ending than me :)

Good luck.

[DennisOh]

Not engaging and seem excited in convo is not a good sign but he still a good listerner right? Maybe it's just infatuation on his part. Of you two don't have any common interests them it won't last

[Wassabii4]

Maybe he wants some unpredictable things in his life?
Don't be an easy to see kinda girl

[TheGreenRanger]

Not enough info on what he's doing now, but something prompted you to post.

[Unit1]

I'm sorry for you. You should tell him the way you feel. Any good partner WILL understand. And by any good partner I mean literally ANY GOOD PARTNER.