He doesn't want anyone to know we're dating?

[Anonymous]

I started dating a guy just as friends with benefits, then it got exclusive between us. We have been for 5 months the friends with benefits and exclusiveness. He recently told me that he loves me as a person, that he likes the way that I make him feel and that he enjoys the sex, but that he doesn't want anyone to know or go out publicly. His roommate knows me, inevitably, but he hides me from anyone that might come to the house or his friends. We see each other every night and I always sleep over. We have personal and profound conversations, and sometimes we don't have sex just watch movies together. I never dreamed of him telling me that he loves me as a person or that he likes the way I make him feel because looks don't matter (Im on the curvy side and he's really skinny). But he mentioned that he cares too much about what other people think. It makes me feel like he's ashamed or embarrassed of me, or is it his problem? Should I be patient with him? Or should step away from the relationship? And by the way, Im the kind that gives chances and thinks the best of people. Im way to kind :I

[alexstorm]

Your relationship with him is "friends with benefits". I assume that is true and that is his understanding. He seems to be doing just that. What part of this is confusing?

If you now see something more in your relationship, you would be better to tell him that now you feel more interested and would like to explore a few steps to see where it can go. His admission about that he cares about other people's impressions is really a big flaw in his integrity. He needs to find a better self image, so he doesn't adjust his life choices based on others. Sometimes guys don't tell the whole truth about relationships. It would be good to find out if that is really the main thing, or if he has some other issues with you. Of course all that is often tricky to discuss. If you can put it in a positive way, about finding things fun to do together, somewhere away from people he knows, that might be a way to start.

If he is in your same age group and if he really is bothered what others think. That is a major mind set switch. He needs to grow up and get past that, or he will stop his chances for good relationships, not to mention, probably won't succeed as much in business with that kind of limit. I would say unless he really makes some progress on these issues after a few talks, then he is probably stuck in a lower self image issue and won't really snap out of it for years, possibly never. He would need a jolt of reality. Stop being such a wuss. Stand up for what you like and want and don't bend to what others say he should do.

I would give him a month to shape up and then I would suggest you ship out, even though that can seem like leaving a hole in your life.

[Asker]

alexstorm, thanks for the insight. We are friends with benefits and we both see the relationship that way, the fact that we are exclusively in a committed friends with benefits relationship is what has changed my mentality about everything. You are right, He is an immature person. He's 31 and I'm 26, I've never met someone with such a low self-esteem before. I feel like I have a baby. I do love him as a friend and I try to help him out with his issues. I do need to stop being such a wuzz and be more confrontational. I agree with the lack of his success, he is limited and as much reality I try to bring to conversations, I get shut down.

I feel like he receives more out of this relationship than I do and Im working out the courage to say it to him. Its just that this is the first time he admits a conflict between us, we are definitely just in a friend zone. I've come to terms to be okay with that, but transitioning from a sexual relationship into a platonic one is difficult, especially cuz he's immature.

[alexstorm]

Ah Okay. I had directed the 'Stop being such a wuss' to him, not you. He needs to be able to stand up for what he wants and not be bent by others. Anyway, good luck. People get easily locked in to a way of being. The biggest obstacle to changing for the better is a fixed self image that feels too comfortable. Admitting that a change would be an improvement, means realizing that you may have been wrong before and that would change your view of life. It's that discomfort that stops people. We humans just don't like to be wrong. If he can realize some of this and talk about moving forward on some issues, then you really have found a special guy. It usually has to happen from within him, so he can feel good about changing a viewpoint. It most often happens when the guy first looses the girl, because of his inaction. Then he considers that he lost someone dear to him, for at least a couple of months, and then maybe he can decide to shift a little.

[DoubleN]

Sorry to say, but he's being a complete d*ck. If you're just in it for the sex, keep doing what you're doing. But if you want an actual relationship, it doesn't sound like it's happening. If he loves you "as a person", that sounds to me like "as a friend". Don't be with someone who brings you down, be with someone you brings you UP and truly does love you because you ARE a kind and beautiful person! It's awful and unfair that he's trying to hide you and making you feel this way.

There is a guy out there that would be so proud to have you on his arm and would want to show you off, quit goofing off and go find him! :)

[Cheetahs]

Let him know how you feel! If he can't be with you in public then he can't be with you at all. Think about it