Guy friend never talks about his girlfriend to me?

[Anonymous]

I have a shy guy friend I've gotten closer with over the past year or so. I had a bit of a crush on him till I found out he's involved with someone else, but we have a pretty strong chemistry and he's a nice guy so we are currently friends. We can talk for hours online and have interesting conversations both in person and online. Sometimes I notice him checking me out or staring at my lips or doing the face scan from eyes to lips, but other times if I'm right beside him, he can't make eye contact and keeps fidgeting. I see him everyday at school and we talk about almost everything, BUT he never talks to me about his girlfriend. He's in an on off relationship and will talk to our other friends about spending time with her, but with me, he's vague and barely ever mentions her. For instance, they went out one weekend and he told our other friends when I wasn't there where they went and even that the restaurant messed up their order and stuff, but to me, he said he ran errands and 'some other things'. When we're chatting and he needs to go, he doesn't tell me he's going out with her but it's obvious. And once I was upset and he asked a mutual friend if she knew why, and he was saying sometimes he doesn't reply right away when we chat because his girl is present. But he's never told me this, just that he has to get going with his studying. Why does he behave like this with me? Does he not trust me enough to just be honest? It's starting to really bother me.

[Matti_Jr]

He might feel conflicted if he were to mention her to you. He might be under the impression it would hurt you if he mentioned that he was going out with her. Strong friendships with the opposite sex can get tricky because his girlfriend will inevitably find out and likely be jealous. He might think you'll get jealous if you find out more about her.

It doesn't help that it's an "on-again, off-again" situation.

Regarding his behavior, he likes you (it might be hold/cold behavior). Just be direct and tell him "you can tell me if you need to get going or can't reply back because your girlfriend is over".

[Asker]

Thanks for the reply! I talked to him about it via text today, told him it made me feel like he doesn't trust me enough when he's willing to elaborate with other friends but not with me. He sort of lied again and left me even more confused... he said usually his "girlfriend" (she hasn't actually committed to that title altho they date exclusively) isn't over that often and if she is, she does her own thing, so it's ok to chat. This is in complete contrast to what he told our mutual friend in my original ask. I said it makes me a bit uncomfortable to chat for hours while she's there but he said it's fine and he enjoys the conversations, and that he thinks it's rude to shorten our chats. I almost feel like I fill in the voids he's missing from his relationship? And that I'm on the backburner with him?

[Matti_Jr]

Oy, he needs to figure out if he wants to be with her? If this girl doesn't want to fully commit, he's getting the short end of the stick. By extension, you are too if you still have feelings for him (I don't know if you still do or not). Does he know you were crushing on him at one point?

[Asker]

I don't know their relationship is confusing. He says she's a close friend to me because of this lack of commitment, and calls her a girlfriend to other friends. I think he does want to be with her but is also settling - he's comfortable and doesn't want to end up alone. Yeah initially when we interacted, I think I made it pretty obvious I had a bit of a crush on him so I think he knew. I'm currently trying to get over it because of the other girl but sometimes the feelings crop back up since he and I see each other every day and he gives me mixed signals.

[Matti_Jr]

That's a bummer that you two like each other but he's sticking with this girl who hasn't fully committed yet. The feelings are going to crop up every so often because you're talking every day like best friends.

You could be bold and ask him if that's all she is, a close friend. A definitive conversation about it might help you get over the feelings if he reaffirms that he is staying with her.

Or maintain less contact with him to get over the feelings. It would be interesting to see how he reacts to that if you two talk every day.

[Matti_Jr]

*Talk less frequently, like every few days.

[Asker]

I've actually done that the couple times I was upset with him, and he ends up approaching me himself even though he's very shy and striking up a conversation, or messaging me first. And when I was upset with him the first time a few weeks ago, he got worried and asked a friend of ours what was up before asking me himself because he thought I was upset because of him. Yeah it does suck - I think maybe his feelings for me aren't strong enough to compel him to act on them. And that's sort of what I tell myself to get over him, that despite his crappy relationship and having feelings for me, he still chooses her.

[Asker]

And in addition to him being pretty passive and nice, he has been with his girl for about 4 years so that also doesn't help

[Matti_Jr]

Is it on-again, off-again for 4 years? That's a hefty chunk of time to invest into the relationship that he has with her. And yet she's not his "girlfriend".

Also, that's odd that he hides his phone if he's texting her in front of you. Like, that to me is shady.

Well, give it time until your feelings pass or another guy grabs your attention. Some guys are completely oblivious when a girl is interested in them (can attest to that), but they don't sound like they have a healthy relationship and it's sounding likely he has settled or gotten very comfortable with how things are.

[Asker]

Yup, 4 years in the on/off situation.. I agree that he's gotten very comfortable. He's very shy and mentioned a while back that he stays because of the time investment and perhaps she's the best he's gonna get, even though she doesn't commit, and maybe a formal commitment isn't needed (which I thought was insane). I think he's afraid of ending up alone.

The phone hiding is irritating.. I almost feel like he believes doing that will make me forget he has this other girl? I'm waiting till our program is finished.. I know it's irrational but knowing we both like each other, have chemistry, he pays so much attention to me that he can even tell when I'm slightly upset about things! And then tries his best to make me feel better.. yet he still chooses her over me, and that hurts.

[KnightCross]

u need to summarize better ur text nobody is gonna read it

[MissingAries]

Hunny the only thing I can offer you is to talk to him. Men won't know what's wrong if you don't tell them.

Why don't you tell me when you're going out with your girlfriend? I tell you everything, why can't you be honest with me? You tell everyone else about her but why not me? Am I just someone to hang out with or am I really your friend? Cause all I'm getting now is you brushing me off when I ask you about your weekend but you lie to me and you tell everyone else.

Kinda put myself in your shoes there for a second.. I hope you take my advice and you talk it out with your friend. :)

[Asker]

Thank you! I'm an Aries too by the way :) I did end up talking to him, unfortunately had to do it through text instead of in person.. and it left me a bit more confused than initially. Said he doesn't really talk about her to others unless asked specifically (I do that too but he still doesn't spill), and that she isn't over at his place that often, which are both inconsistent statements. But he did say when he goes out sometimes he's picking her up to go someplace. I couldn't really push much as he's a really shy guy and sort of got defensive and said if I don't trust him he understands, and let's just say he's the bad guy. Just feel like it's weird that he doesn't talk about her to me specifically. He also hides his phone when he's texting her in front of me.

[MissingAries]

well does that still hurt you or grate your nerves? if you're an Aries like me, it'll only be a matter of time before he does his ring around the rosie bs again and you blow up and loose a friend..

in my opinion? either he likes you and he wants to keep things that deal with her away from you; or he doesn't trust you enough to spill what you're asking..

[btbc92]

I think you need to get away from him. He's not attracted to his girlfriend anymore and is more and likely plotting to cheat with you or any other girl that can get his attention. Don't get involved. Men talk about their girlfriends because their proud and love being with them. Any guy who refuses to talk about their girl either has 1. been told to keep quiet about it, 2. is keeping his relationship a secret or mostly 3. because he doesn't like her anymore/settling. That is a major red flag.