Everyone thinks I'm a lesbian! Help!

[Anonymous]

OK... I'm 25 and at university. I'm 100% straight and at the moment have a huge crush on one guy in particular. However - and this has been the case for a number of years now - everyone except for my closest friends assumes I'm a lesbian! I can't for the life of me imagine why. I look younger than I am, petite with long hair. In short, I don't look like your prototype lesbian, yet people seem positively astounded when I tell them I'm straight. I'm a friendly outgoing person who likes a laugh. I've asked my friends why they think people make this assumption, and they said it's because I'm "independent" and "funny"... How does this make me a lesbian? I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality, but this is a really bad situation for me. Not only do I occasionally get unwanted attention from women, what really upsets me is that men never give me the time of day. They never even look at me "that way" or smile at me, even if I try to make eye contact. All my conversations with men are really "matey" just having a laugh like buddies do. It's like they don't even consider me for a millisecond. I'm really shy around guys I find attractive, and although I try to be flirty, smiling and eye contact is pretty much all I can manage, especially if the guy isn't even looking... I'm just not a forward kind of girl and would really appreciate if the guy would make some kind of move too... I've been single for more that two years and have had no male attention (although all my friends and acquaintances say they can't believe this, it is the truth)... Even my ex boyfriend suspects I'm a lesbian, although I never did anything to suggest this, and we always had great sex! I really don't know what to do about this (obviously I'm not prepared to change my personality)... Any suggestions? Any idea why people are thinking this? Thanks!

PS: a few years ago I had a fling with a girl because these constant assumptions made me believe I was indeed looking for love in the wrong place, but it really wasn't my thing. I am absolutely not a lesbian!

[Anonymous]

Usually it is the way you dress, your haircut and overall look that causes people to think this. And, guess what, your friends won't want to go through the list of what you should change to look non-lesbian so they say stuff like you are "independent" and "funny". Since when were those attributes only the attributes of lesbians?

My best friend looks like a lesbian. I see it myself and have had other people comment on it as well. If she is a lesbian she is in deep denial. But, the way she likes to dress and the amount of effort she wants to put in to makeup and hair on a daily basis is in conflict with any advice I can give her so I just let it go. One time she asked a bunch of her girlfriends if a certain hat looked good on her. It made her features look very severe and it was awful but she got offended when we told her not to wear it. Oh, and not to add confusion, you don't have to wear makeup or a certain hairstyle, but some women do have more severe features than others and they need to soften those features, and hair and makeup is the only way I have seen to do that. Also, if you have a more boyish figure, you have to be very careful not to accentuate it or wear boyish looks.

Finally, yes, you could carry yourself a certain way that looks too masculine. Your overall attitude can come out in a million ways. You may simply carry yourself too much like one of the boys.

[Asker]

Thanks... I generally dress very feminine (not least to counteract these assumptions) more so than a lot of women I know. My staple outfit is usually a short dress with tights and ballet pumps. I have long wavy hair that I wair either loose or in an up-do and I always wear mascara, eye-liner and lip-gloss (though no foundation as I - and many men apparently - find it gross)...

[Anonother]

You probably likely act too friend like and too little I want to bang you, when talking with Dudes.

Stereotyping is a real issue when talking sexuality, because there are people who doesn’t fit the types set down or even comfortable with them and they are then left out not feeling like they have a chance.

Gay women like feminine women too, and you may just be hitting some markers that makes some women comfortable enough to give it a go. That is however not a bad thing, this means that you are fairly attractive because getting women to approach you is fucking hard.
Take the compliment, say Thanks and ask if they can wingman you instead because you prefer some cock in your mouth (if they get too a annoying putting the picture of dick in your mouth, have a tendency to turn off most lesbians), and not too trimmed nails indicates you aren't going to finger them anyway.
Then strap on that little Black dress, write down your number, walk up to a guy you like, touch his arm, smile and look him in the eyes as you put your number in his chest pocket, then whisper in his ear that he should call you, and walk away.

If he calls you, you win, if he doesn’t you aren't going to see him again anyway.

When the guy is on your arm, who cares what others people assume in their narrow minds

[Anonymous]

I usually can't tell from people if they are lesbian/gay. They should not define your a lesbian, because of your personality. Don't change your personality. But don't take it seriously, maybe because the guy you meet your friend zoned, as you may not come across that you like him.

[KaylaD20]

Honestly do you interact diffrent with girls then men like are you all giggly with girls which comes across flirtatious maybe its a diffrence of interaction between genders that make guys think your lesbian when you are not.

[l-hedoniste]

'All my conversations with men are really "matey" just having a laugh like buddies do.'

There's you're problem. You're not a dyke because you're funny and independent. You're a dyke because you have a shy male's love life, with genders reversed.

Many young guys with women problems think the answer is to be friendly with women. That's part of the answer, carry it too far, however, and he'll have too many female friends. Eventually he's surrounded by women who treat him as one of their own, so both guys and prospective partners will question his gender ID.

What must he do? Peel off a few excess women from his life--they're in the way of his next girlfriend--and learn to engage his romantic interests romantically, i.e. don't be a buddy to your lover.

Same for you: don't have a pack of male friends for your next boyfriend to navigate through, be careful of men thinking of you or treating you as "one of the guys", don't make your lover your buddy.

Good luck.

[Asker]

Thanks, yes, I've noticed that I can relate more to men's dating problems... I don't have many male friends though, just acquaintances, and maybe one or two closer friends. I used to have much more male friends and no female friends, but in recent years (since I started university) most of my friends are female, but people seem to think I'm in relationships with half of them! I have a few lesbian friends who seem to think I'm lesbian although I'm never, ever flirtatious towards them!

[l-hedoniste]

Plan B: If you're on speaking terms with a girl who's hot for you, ask her bluntly: "I'm straight, and obviously doing something wrong. What are you getting that the boys aren't?"

[mr2by4]

Well, they say go with the flow, so go with the flow.
Try to date girls, maybe the eye contact and so on will be easier for you.
going down... maybe not thought... that takes getting used to.

In the mean time, don't give up on guys.
maybe by pursuing other girls, this maybe give you some insight as to how to handle meeting and getting close to a guy or guys...

[sandra314]

I think that usually when someone thinks you're a lesbian is because the way you look. Maybe your style and the way you dress.

[dalesbianlmao]

First of all... If u need help cuz people think ur lesbian... Duh.

[corininin]

That sucks. I am in the same rag.