Why do some shy guys deny their feelings?

[Anonymous]

I like this shy guy in my school who tends to stare at me or checks me out.

His friend yelled out that he liked me.

When my friend confronted him about his feelings for me over the internet he denied his feelings and said that his friend was just acting like a "fag".

Why do guys do this?

I can feel like he likes me...he completely ignores me when were in a group of friends, he can't keep eye contact with me, he stares at me when he think I can't see him looking, he tries to show off.

I felt crushed because I like him and when he told my friend that I felt so sad. He took a while to respond back to my friend that day when she asked if he liked me. I'm nervous to talk to him too.

[Mesonfielde]

Okay, if we think about this clearly, his friend was acting like a "fag" even if he did or even if he did not feel anything towards you.

If he does like you, then because he is shy and would not want others to be telling you that he likes you, because it's a private emotion sealed in a treasure chest (sort of), and you're supposed to have the key. Meaning: 1. if you are the only one who heard that he "likes" you, then because he wouldn't want a messenger to tell you because it makes him embarassed and insecure. 2. if a group of people heard it, then it's obvious that he would not want random bystanders who know him to know about his secret emotions.

The "does not want a messenger due to insecurity and fear of confrontation" comes up the same with your friend. If he likes you, he denied it because he's not dumb - he knows that your friend would tell you about his emotions (which is why she would ask in the first place).

By using a messenger, he makes himself feel pitiful and inferior. But on his own, he is afraid of the confrontation. It's one hell of a vicious cycle.

But. If he does NOT like you, then he said he's acting like a fag because he purposefully tried to cause a commotion about something unreal. This 'ignores me in a group of friends' thing bugs me. What does this exactly mean? Does he not reply to your questions? Does he not ask you questions? Does he openly turn away from you when you are talking? Does he look filled with anger when he hears your voice? (everything is possible) because Ignoration is not common, at least not with me. If I was asked by someone to whom I was attracted, I would still be intimidated and nervous, but I would -have to respond something-. I would feel an obligation. But that might just be me.

That delay was possibly "should I tell her? if I tell her, she would tell her and that would just be weird" - emotional privacy, or "i am not sure about my emotions" - meaning he does not know if he likes you. But if he tends to look at you and stuff, then he probably does feel some sort of attraction. Indirectly, he will not tell you he loves you. Directly, he is afraid to. You can either tell your friend to tell him that he should get some courage and tell you, or you could ask him if he loves you yourself.

[Asker]

Thanks for the comment.

It is pretty useful

An example that I'd be able to tell you of what I meant by 'he ignores me when were with a group of friends' would be:

When were hanging out with a group of people he doesn't say a single word to me, not even hi, but he looks at me when I don't look (I use the side of my eye or a friend tells me that he stares at me)

I am a bit lost at this point and I don't know what I should do.

I know though that I do have a class with him this coming school year .

[Mesonfielde]

A distant admirer. He finds you attractive. As I said, the two things you can do - get indirect help to increase his confidence (do not indirectly -message- him YOUR emotions - he would not believe it. I've heard that happen so many times before.), so with confidence and courage he would tell you his, or you have to walk up to him at some point and start small talk and break the barrier. Talk to him. It's so much easier to talk to someone once you've talked to them once before..!

[Asker]

Thank you very much :)

I think the feedback you give me is the best I have ever gotten on this site.

Since he will be in one of my classes I'll try to speak to him and see how it goes.

Thanks again !!

[Asker]

Sorry just another odd question...i heard that its easier for a shy person to speak to a person they like online because they can't see them...why is it that this guy who likes me doesn't do that..we have each others facebook and MSN but he doesn't talk at all.

[Asker]

An not too long ago my friends and I were out with him. they were all goofing around trying to climb a small building to get to the roof. when people told him to help me out he was hesitant, he wouldn't look at me, all he kept saying from the roof was 'i don't know what to do , I don't wanna be responsible if anything happends' yet he's a big guy, he's strong enough. why would he hesitate just to grab my arm to pull me up? :/ I'm sorry to ask..im just curious

[Mesonfielde]

The patterns of this guy really remind me of what I would have done and did a few years ago. But I have to leave in 3 minutes, so I'll answer your questions a bit later. But don't worry - it makes sense. Sort of. Actually it all originates in an irrational fear... But I'll get more into detail later.

[Mesonfielde]

I'm back! So, to your question regarding Facebook and MSN - it's the same as real life. Sure, it is easier, because you don't have to worry about what you look like, your metacommunication, you being nervous, you can think things over, you won't get stuck in your speech while you're talking, etc... But. Just because the TALKING part is easier, that does not neccesarily mean that the initiation is easier. Starting talking to someone who you can't just comfortably say hi to won't be easier.

[Mesonfielde]

The reason to that is that when you add someone on MSN, then you have the opportunity to speak to them the first time for example you see them online. But if you're shy and insecure, then you will be like "she's online, but I don't know what to say so it would not be weird". Even I used to do things like doubleclick the name, I had the window open, then was waiting about a minute thinking what I should say, then I closed it and actually ended up not saying anything.

[Mesonfielde]

Therefore, here's a reason to your situation. There are two ways to handle "attraction" - either get closer to it, or stay away from it. The most usual drive for staying away is fear. Mostly the fear of failure. In this case, a person would try to avoid any sort of opportunities in which he has a chance to either be successful or to fail, due to this fear of failure. "I don't think I'll do it perfectly / without error / well enough, so instead, I don't want to do it at all."

[Mesonfielde]

This fear of failure can be applied to everything he does. This is supposedly the reason why he avoids you at all costs - because he doesn't want you to dislike him for doing something imperfectly, but as a result, he keeps up this wall and keeps you away with it. If you really want to get to him, you must break the barrier by talking to him. I forgot to mention though. Don't be like "Hey, I love you. Do you love me?" because if you think about it - that's just weird. He would go defensive. xP

[Mesonfielde]

So the best solution is getting him to be comfortable with you, by making his fear go away. So he would know that you won't cut off his head and think he is a total idiot if he accidentally has to actually stop in the middle of a sentence and rephrase it, and that he shouldn't just avoid helping you out because you might think that him helping out would not be perfect enough. Also, let's not forget - rooftops are dangerous. He wouldn't want to fall off and wouldn't want you to fall off either.

[Mesonfielde]

And really - he would be responsible if his help was not good enough. I mean, if he helps, he messes up, you fall off, then you will be like "damn him he is such a failure and now my spine is broken and I'm immobilized from the waist down because he's such a failure" who would want to live with such a burden? :P Therefore, he avoided the situation so he would not fail. Yet again. This is what I think drives his behaviour, I hope I am not wrong. :)

[xxps_iloveyou]

have you tried asking him?

[Asker]

The thing is I don't exactly hang out with him, we have different friends.

I try to avoid speaking to him on the internet because he doesn't really talk online.

Its not easy but I do know that I have a class with him this coming school year so I'm not sure if I should confront him about it.