What happens to guys that don't initiate with women?

Question

I'm a really quiet, laid-back guy and don't ever strike up conversation or initiate with women. My hobbies are reading, working out and volunteering. Don't want to have sex until I'm at least engaged.

My friend is convinced I'll end up alone if I'm not more assertive (I refuse to), and I'm convinced it will happen when it's meant to and if I deserve it the right woman will come to me at the right time.

sonic241928 · Accepted Answer

Perhaps you're not very interested in dating or relationships, and that's fine. You have the freedom to define your own life and not seek a partner if you don't want one.

However, IF you're waiting for the woman of your dreams to just appear out of nowhere and do the work of attracting and seducing you, I honestly think you're playing a losing game, for two primary reasons:

1) Women are socially conditioned (maybe even biologically programmed) NOT to be the initiators in relationships, but to make themselves attractive enough for the MALES to approach and engage. It's commonly accepted that it's the guy's job to initiate things, and there's a lot of confidence to gain from learning how to do that and practicing. You'll find some bold women who'll approach the guy first, but they're a minority.

2) You're leaving your love life up to chance. You'll get girlfriends only rarely or haphazardly (these things are guaranteed to no one). And since you're not being the selector, how will you control the quality of women you date? You'll have to take "whatever comes to you" while the girls you're REALLY attracted to just slip out of your life.

Also remember--part of "deserving" things is having the will and the courage to get out and make things happen. Best of luck.

ericneo · Accepted Answer

Why would any guy want to torture himself asking out 100 girls only to be rejected by 90-95 of them and lets not forget like being sued/slapped/arrested/fired/scorned/kicked?

That there is the soul crushing reason why guys stop trying, not to mention that most girls now days just aren't worth it with all the casual sex that they engage in ,which is a major deal breaker for most guys I know.

As for the second part If a girl ever asks me out I would put her above the rest but until then they are all the same, They sit on their ass and demand without putting in any effort.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Um... your friend is probably right... If a guy doesn't talk to a girl, chances are, she will think you're not interested and move on. Or if she does talk to you and you're totally boring or you simply answer her questions, she will think you're a friend or you're not interested. You're still alone, bub...

However, my boyfriend is like you...but I still got to him... However, in no way in hell do I think he's marriage material. He's a good friend and a good person...but he's closed up, a little shut down, and self centered. He's just someone to hang out with, not someone to have kids with either.

I chased him to get him to talk to me. I chased him to keep talking to me. But now I'm done with all that. I'm just hanging out with him. It was his idea to be a boyfriend and I agreed because I thought he'd be more open once I got over his shyness. Nope. Didn't work that way. Good thing I'm in no hurry to get married or to have kids. I could care less. Otherwise, he'd be gone...in a heart beat.

So in the end, you're still alone. Really, it's your choice.

Cormycakez · Accepted Answer

All that you think is true. If you want a girl why not find one that's interested in some of the same things you are? You like volenteering, there are lots of girls who do too. Just strike up a conversation with a cute girl, get to know her. Trust me dude, a lot of us are intelligent, besides most girls are intuitive, they know when you like them. Become friends hang out, maybe one day ask her out with a group of couples go do something, go dancing, bowling, ice skating if your good at it (I personally suck and would never go without a guy who would catch me if I fell, which wouldn't be a bad thing ;) ). If she goes for the couples date, ask if she'd like to hang out just the two of you. If she accepts, your in... go on a couple of dates and then ask her to be your girlfriend.

human_condition · Accepted Answer

Do you have any female friends? I find the best relationships stem from friendships, and it means you'll be able to talk to them.

Find a girl who's a friend of a friend or something, and just get to know her, as a friend with nothing else planned. Then if there's a spark, start showing signs that you like her. It's best if she's more down to earth, and not a princess who expects the man to pay for everything etc. A more down to earth girl will make more effort in bringing you out of your shell.

But, I think you need to give 50/50. Don't do all the chasing but don't let her do all of it.

Mesonfielde · Answer

I know what happens. They die alone. And they live alone.

The girl of your dreams might not realize you are the guy of her dreams if you don't show interest at all, and don't show her any reason to why she would believe you are. Also, belief in predetermination is not really a good idea - once you will realize that you were wrong. But then it will be too late to change.

Anonymous · Answer

Guys who initiate with women increase their chances and opportunities to meet and date women. Guys who don't significantly diminish their own chance at happiness. Let's be honest, it's rare to find an attractive truly desirable woman who routinely takes the reins in relationships. Yeah we'll give you signs and let you know we're interested, but most girls that a man would want aren't exactly falling from the sky and jumping out at you. It is what it is.

Instead of being angry with women for not approaching men, take into account that nobody HAS to approach anybody. you're not entitled to have girls throwing themselves at you just because you're you, I'm sorry but please get rid of that attitude.

*** If you are AFRAID OF TALKING TO WOMEN fix THAT problem before you try to be a part of another person's life.

*** If you "demand" that women make the first move because you want to have the Selector Power in the relationship because of your own ego, that's even more unattractive. I'm going to ask you an honest question and you don't even have to answer it: Are You Gay? seriously you sound like you don't even LIKE women. and there are men who don't even like women but they are still motivated to deal with us because that's how you get sex. but if you aren't even Motivated to increase your chances at getting laid, and you have this Power Issue anger at the situation...not only do I think you are a man that women are right to stay away from! but I think you aren't attracted to women very much. I could be wrong but that is just my opinion

songpillow · Answer

if you think you're meant to be with a special woman, you won't end up alone. my 23-year-old boyfriend is a lot like you, friendly but not the flirting type,humble and respectful. he's never been sex obsessed (that's a miracle to me,i thought boys were all total jerks) and he never had nothing more than a flirt before he met me. he could have had all the girls we wanted because everyone (not just me) says he's really beautiful and charming,but he didn't because he wanted to wait for the right one. I'm so happy he did. he won me with just being himself,he truly blew me away.

so forget what everyone says and stay this way, because that's what real men do. give a chance to every girl you get to meet and be ready for your future love. ps.have you ever read Pride and Prejudice? because I smell Mr.Darcy...

iSupportzombies · Answer

Well I believe its a grand idea that you think that way because more guys, like all the 'role model' men in my family, end up with too many kids and without a house. Except for my younger uncle. He has an amazing house, makes so much money, and yet no girlfriend because he thinks it through instead of jumping into his emotions too quickly. Talk to women more, go out with friends, be yourself around women. Just think smart and eventually, a girl will step into your life and all your waiting will have payed off...

Marshall33 · Answer

You are going to end up with a woman ho wants to be taken care of by a man who could not even know how to hurt her because he never got hurt himself. It is not the lack of sex that is going to be your downfall. It is your lack of relating to a woman interpersonally and intimately that will haunt you.

A woman is not a pizza. She does not come to your door the second you call a delivery service. Nor is a women a housekeeper that comes to your place to wash your clothes because you are honest about paying your dues afterward.

You need to stop distracting yourself from real life and get yourself a life !

Your problem is that your not initating with women yes! but most of all man you are not initiating with yourself and it shows by your response above. Listen to your friends and live a little. Do not wait wait for life to happen to you ! It won't !

grnpari · Answer

I don't know a lot about dating, but I do know some about human behavior. I think your perception of marriage is really nice, but you've got to initiate, occasionally, in order to meet that person who complements you. That's just how it is>>"usually" it's the guys role to do a little chasing, but nothing extreme (just showing interest with a few compliments & striking up a conversation, but with no rush).

As long as you're open to meeting others, there's no problem being patient & waiting for time. You'll never know when you'll meet a sweet pretty girl, it could happen any day.

*Just remember that when a guy/girl is not receptive to others, or not aware, they won't meet anybody.

danndan6 · Answer

I'm quite like that but bro...you need to be approachable. I don't go around chatting up girls but I do flash a smile and make myself approachable. so girls approach me. If no girl is ever in the position that she can talk to you, how can you start a relationship? think about it. girls are generally less confident than guys and always moan about how guys never ask them out. why do guys never ask them out? because the guy fears rejection.

I have gained confidence over the years (I too use to pretend it was 100% about me being laid back and having self respect lol). don't put too much pressure on yourself. think of it as meeting guys...you're just meeting people, right?

in summary, how can you ever start a relationship with a girl when you are pushing them all away? it's not rocket science

Maddygirl · Answer

If you want to end up with someone you need to show SOME interest. While some girls are brave enough to approach guys, most are taught they need to be chased by men and will probably not do all the work, asking for your number, asking you out, flirting etc. If a girl shows interest in you or approaches you, if you want anything to happen you need to reciprocate this and start intiating conversation and maybe asking her out or at least talking to her a bit. Otherwise she will assume you have no interest in her and move on.

TimB -1-2-3 · Answer

So the woman has to do all the hard work?

Looks nice in theory. How did it serve you in real practical life, though? Doesn't look very promising from the looks of this question.. I, on the other hand, have a girlfriend since I was like.. sixteen or something. Didn't happen by doing nothing.

Ever noticed how good things always happen to people who you know.. WORK for them? :o

This is just like a billionnaire who got rich doing absolutely nothing. It ain't gonna happen.

Do you REALLY think it's gonna happen? And if so: HOW and WHY?

Regardless, have a nice day.

Tim

Brando · Answer

If you aren't assertive, then you will be alone. No special explanation required. If someone doesn't know you exist, then you aren't likely going to find anyone. If you go out places but don't talk to anyone, or at least seem approachable to people, then it's also not likely that you will find a person to be with. There are exceptions, but most girls aren't used to the idea of approaching a guy and will only reciprocate when a guy shows interest first.

But if you aren't lonely then I don't think any of this matters. If you are hoping that it will "happen when it's meant to be", then I'd go ahead and get rid of that idea so you aren't hanging on to this wishful thinking stuff. You could end up disappointed.

TimeAndTimeAgain · Answer

Dude, the best advice I'm going to give you, is this - become friends with a few girls first. Walk up to ANY girl you're interested, say hi, ask for her name... and then say and do AAANYTHING you want! I am serious. Tell her WHATEVER! Ask her ANYTHING! It will either go two ways:

1) She will not be interested and walk away. If this happens, you have to realize that it's NOT your fault - it's HER fault. It's HER interests that don't match yours. Or she is too busy and interested with other things, that you don't really give her anything that she needs. The best thing to do is to move on and keep trying.

2) She will find you funny, interesting, and you will get inside her head and she'll start thinking of you. This is what you want. Once you've done this, you'll know what to do next.

Standingpretty · Answer

Well, basically what will happen is despite women liking you, they might be afraid to approach you in fear of being "rejected" or in fear of seeming "desperate" so you might date women less then you would if you actually approached them.You could meet the right girl in anyway, perhaps you even already know her. When I met my fiance, I was dating someone else that he hated and he didn't even look at/talk to me. Over time, we ended up talking because we ended up at the same parties and everything until he asked me out. I said 'no' the first time but then we ended up hanging out again and I said 'yes' the second time we ended up hanging out. Things could have really happened anyway but they just happened in that way. It's really all up to whatever fate decides. Good luck!

acka72 · Answer

Here are two things that happen.

A. Neighther you or the girl get together

B. You get together with a girl who initiates everything but then you find yourself in a situation where you really are not that into her.

As a male you are hardwired for the hunt. I suppose that you haven't really met the girl that would make you want to climb Mt. Everest to seduce and make yours.

kereru · Answer

you have to be more assertive...what exactly do you mean by " It'll happen when its meant to" ?

how is it ever going to happen if you just sit in a corner reading and never make an effort to put yourself out there?

it sounds like an excuse for being passive and being afraid to stick out your neck. and its not going to get you far because whether you like it not most girls are waiting for a guy to come to them...so if you refuse to ever initiate its probably not going to happen.

Anonymous · Answer

While I admire your adherence to your beliefs, the odds are incredibly low against a girl approaching you, since most girls believe it should be the other way around.  While I'm sure there is still some very remote chance that I'm wrong, I wouldn't bet your romantic future on it.  There are too many guys out there that ARE assertive enough to approach a woman, that the odds of a woman bothering to make the first move on you are very slim.  Think of it this way: if you were a girl, would you go out of your way to approach a guy (especially when it goes against your nature), when you're already able to get attention from other guys with little to no effort on your part?  Look at it another way: would you get in your car and drive to get a pizza when you have people delivering them to your door, free of charge?  lol  Sorry, but you have to make some effort...or get used to the single life.  (I know...I've tried that approach before, and it doesn't work.  AT ALL.)

Lone_teen · Answer

you sound like someone girls may like, but the only flaw is being laid back, if you perhaps organise an event with loads of friends, and its a succsess, word may speard of you, and you'll make more friends (girl-ones). I don't mean just going to your local pub, but maybe an expensive resteraunt with some of your more well-mannered friends

oh, and very sensible about the "no sex til I'm engaged" policy, mine's almost the same, except until I'm married

xcetera · Answer

No you won't end up alone. You will attract someone who has similar values and is looking for a guy like you as well. The trick is to become friends with someone -- the attraction will either be there or not naturally then. Find someone you get along with deeply as a friend and don't go wife shopping or "perfect-lay" shopping. Really the only thing to check on is your own level of pickiness... if it is about being reserved, I wouldn't worry too much.

SunDevil2010 · Answer

Most girls I know, including myself, are not really big on initiating things with guys. I'll start a conversation, and it may flow from there, and that's good. But yeah, if you don't even try, you may end up waiting a long time for that engagment ;) Thank God there is a guy out there that is actually willing to wait to have sex, so that's a bonus for you in trying to find a decent girl :)

Broseph2112 · Answer

That's easy, my friend. What happens is you: Don't have to worry about DISEASE (tramps, man-whores, and sausage-spread), you will never have child too young (thus, f***ing up its existence), you will not have to deal with needless and perpetual heartache, and you will become a better MAN.

The "becoming a better man" part will only be realized once one actually BECOMES A REAL MAN!

ikarus · Answer

honestly dude I know what you mean...but you have to at LEAST talk to a woman. you don't necessarily have to be the stereotypical smooth operator but don't be afraid to say hi and get to know someone? even if you get lucky to have a girl come up and initiate a conversation with you, I promise you she will NOT do all the work. besides talking never hurt anyone so what do you have to lose?

CowboyJedi · Answer

You DO deserve the right woman when she comes along. It seems that you are a very in control of yourself which is a great quality in a man. Your friend is right and wrong though, you need to talk to more girls to find that perfect girl who will work for you or how else are you going to find her? Guys are supposed to initiate the first move it shows you are a man. So when you see a girl that catches your eye, take a deep breathe and go talk to her. Approaching women is half the battle.

jadestellz · Answer

Eventually all things will happen but truthfully, it's hard to be the first one to initiate and girls have been taught that guys will make the move if their interested and if they don't then you shouldn't even try. I'm not going all feminist here, it's just something that tends to happen. Not having sex until at least engaged is a hard task, one that will probably be more difficult for others. My advice: find someone who feels the same.

HL1234 · Answer

i think what you're doing is totally fine! I am a girl and I feel the same about guys! The right one will come for you eventually! If I met a guy like you, you would be perfect! Maybe you should talk to girls a little more often. You shouldn't be a player or anything like that! But if you see a women you might like, try to talk to her, or strike up a convo about something. Anything! You might find some shared interests! And just so you know, not all girls are slutty, non-moral people. A lot are just waiting for the right guy to come. Good Luck!

clyde7777 · Answer

Have you even seen someone somewhere that no one was talking to? Like at a party or something. That someone might be a great person but until someone takes the initiative to talk to them no one will ever know. To be wanted you need to be want-able. You may not have to be assertive but you have to give someone a reason to want you if you are not going to be the pursuer.

lovelylife · Answer

If your not going to initiate, then the girl will have to, so she's going to be aggressive, there's a lot of aggressive girls out there, that don't mind approaching guys.

justme777 · Answer

It's okay to be shy and even an indeering trait but yea, you probably will miss out on chances with some girls if you're not more straight forward about being interested. maybe just make it casual by just being friendly. for example, the other night I was at a comedy club and this dude just came up to me while I was laughing my ass off and started talking to me casually about the comedian. it was cool because he just approached me and started joking: this is fun for anyone. it's not high pressure like "o my god, this guy is making a bee line to me and is now going to ask me on an elaborate date." no. it was like, you think this comedian is funny, so do i: let's discuss it. and we did and it was cool. make a casual entrance and just be the girls friend before making it so formal if you want an easy way to break the ice.

unsungzero · Answer

if you don't do something about it, nothing will happen. your dream girl isn't just going to fall on your lap. keep in mind it's also a numbers game. you're going strike out and have misses a lot before you find that home run.

or you can continue to be delusional, read and jack off to p0rn and nothing will ever happen.

chettah-two · Answer

You shouldn't waste your youth because essentially you're scared to talk to girls.

The worst that could happen is people will call you a creep...

Then what!

Im in no way advocating creepy behaviour.

But just think girls are as sexual as guys BUT not up front about it..

Eye contact, and a cheeky smile and straight face and you'll be alright.

TheGodEmperorLeto · Answer

At least try sparking a conversation with some people just for at least friendship? I mean, what's wrong with that? Who knows, more might come from it. All my relationships were friendships first :P and only one really isn't still in contact, but that's cause she was an immature bitch. To hell with her.

FierceMegan · Answer

I think it is important to be able to approach a woman, and start a conversation. If you have hobbies such as: reading, working out, and volunteering it sounds like you would have a lot to say. Just approach a girl (@ work, the volunteering center, the book store, the gym, etc.), and say something nice and funny. If you make her laugh she's yours. You sound chivalric, and wouldn't want an aggressive girl, so in your case nice girls liked to be asked by the guy. What's the worse she will do? Turn you down? Don't worry about it, if we never fall we'll never know how to get back up.

miki94 · Answer

There is not "meant to be" involved in real life. Sorry to break it to you, but if you want your life to happen, you gotta go out and seize the day. The world owes you nothing, it was here first.

WakaFlocka · Answer

Don't worry about it. Most relationships are bullsh*t anyway because either the guy or girl wants to have sex. With patience you'll find the right girl. Asserting yourself to every Sally and Jane out there will get you no where.

Anonymous · Answer

The right girl won't mind doing some of the work... But you gotta make sure she knows you are interested or she won't initiate either... And once she does... You gotta meet her half way in stuff... I don't mind helping or going up and talking or starting the convos. But he's gotta help me somehow... Keep it going... Etc...

Anonymous · Answer

Well, I guess it depends on the girl you like at the moment... some Girls like to be the initiators in a relationship. And some girls (like myself) absolutely refuse to initiate anything. Usually what I do, is I let the guy know I'm interested in him, if he doesn't like me back, or just doesn't initiate the relationship, even if he likes me, I usually just drop it and move on.

blondfrog · Answer

Sometimes women will come to you if were good looking like me you will have women come up to you. I used to have women start flirting with me and twirling their hair, licking their lips, asking me if I had a gf when I had all my looks and I was just like you too shy and reserved.

Thiezz · Answer

> I'm convinced it will happen when it's meant to and if I deserve it the right woman will come to me at the right time How has that feel-good bullsh*t been working for you during the past decade?

SpicyGinBurrito · Answer

NO! you're perfect! Stay! It's so attractive to good women that you don't want to have sex until you're married! Just, if you see a girl you like, say hi. Usually the girl likes you back but us girls like it when guys initiate it for some reason. And if they're like me I pray all day for the guy to say hi because I'm too shy or old fashioned to myself.

GingerRage · Answer

Good on you bro. I respect the position you have taken. If it's alright with you (you're the first person I've cone across with this attitude//mindset), I would like to be this way from now on too.

socalgamehater2006 · Answer

unfortuneately, unfairly, you will be single, or you will masturbate, if only they would make prostition legal, then all of our problems would be solved

WalkingOnSunshine · Answer

You need to put in some effort otherwise you can come across rude, not quiet or shy... Even if you give a girl a smile if you're interested.. A smile and some eye contact can go a long way..!

raven333 · Answer

I think, either one, you'll end up with a extremely aggressive girl or just friends. Aggressive guys end up with not so aggressive, usually. And, None aggressive guy's end up with aggressive girls.

kiss_me_Kate · Answer

you finish last. It's true, and I feel hurt and offput if there's seeming chemistry and you don't step up to the plate.

quietwriter88 · Answer

This is the read world. "Meant to be" doesn't exist. I'm shy too but at the end of the day we live in a society where men are expected to make the move and if we don't then we miss out. And honestly, your talking about pride and everything sounds like a rationalization for just being too cowardly to go out and do what you have to do.

Mjmolly · Answer

Yes it wil happen if it's meant 2 b.But I disagree with the ryt woman coming 2 u.U wil 've 2 go 2 her or you won't end up alon bt with the wrong person.U are a cool dude,not many guys want 2 wait 2 've sex until at least engaged 4 ths reason I believe you wil 've the ryt woman as a gift.

socalgamehater2006 · Answer

it's unfair that we guys always have to do all the work, I don't like it one bit but it is what it is

0ddjob · Answer

Watch " The 40 Year-Old Virgin". That's what happens.

SexyDanger927 · Answer

aww I would love a guy like you but you sound like a verry picki guy but don't tripp she'll come around trust me!

ScruffyNerfHerder · Answer

Hmm, some hyper-immaturity here. If you want good things in your life, you have to be the one to bring them in. An entitled attitude will get you nowhere.

sexcme121 · Answer

i agree. a good will come wen its tyme jus b yourself thts good tht your laid bac lyk that it makes you stand out

Hyped_up_on_coffee · Answer

They will probably be left behind in the dirt because girls still expect men to approach them

0ddjob · Answer

Minus the part about women being somehow attracted to him anyway and hooking up with the hot blond who likes anal sex.

DanielSan · Answer

you will end up alone. \ but alone isn't half bad.

Anonymous · Answer

In my opinion, you already sound perfect :) Most times with guys who don't initiate anything, nothing will really happen. You will most likely end up with a very assertive woman who knows exactly what she wants which could be a good and bad thing. On the plus side, you can be perceived as a shy & mysterious guy which makes girls interested. Haha Just see what happens in life I guess. :)

Anonymous · Answer

What's wrong with that? I personally like knowing there are guys like you out there! You're relationships will last longer probably. You'll know who the one is when it's time

itseehvan · Answer

As a girl, we want the guy to initiate the first move. But sometimes we have to put ourselves out there. I think if the girl has to put themselves out there, you should as well.

Anonymous · Answer

If you wait till you're approached you'll end up with a much lower quality of woman than you could get if you were actively involved.  If you're cool with that, wait on.

MikeK · Answer

I have the same problem too.  Not just with girls but with EVERYBODY.  Every friend I've ever had has approached me in one way or another...

beccakay · Answer

if your shy, we won't talk to you. - but, for me I talk  to all types of guys.

Anonymous · Answer

They end up alone & bitter...

Lbr924 · Answer

You will just have to wait for a power assertive woman

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