My boyfriend doesn't seem to care he he's totally care free?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 4 years. He never gets jealous of anything. He's not creative at all when it comes to birthdays, Valentine's day, etc. However, he does pay for everything as I am a full time student and has taken me shopping in the past. He never shows me his feelings towards me. it feels like it's all about money for him. He's also very playful and sometimes it's off putting (for instance when we're about to start having sex). he didn't use to be like this when we first met, or at least not as much. it feels like we're more like mates than lovers. it's weird. what can I do? does he love me?

[DebiPie]

I'm confused about your statement that he's playful when you're about to have sex. That could be a good thing.

It sounds like things have just gotten stale between the two of you through no one's fault. Now you two need to sit down and have a relationship talk. You don't want to freak him out so don't use "you" statements. You can start with "I' statements like "I've been thinking about us lately and wanted to express what I'm feeling." You could let him know that you feel like things aren't as romantic between you two as maybe they use to be, and you just want to know how he is feeling about it. Then, just shut up & listen. This will be the hardest thing you ever do. But just listen & don't interrupt when he starts talking. At first, I guarantee he'll say he doesn't know what you're talking about, then you'll prompt him by saying (nothing critical) that sometimes we don't seem as close as we use to and you would like more. Then ask him what he thinks about that. He will talk. Just listen. When he does, don't try to "fix" anything he says while he talks, because he will say things that may sound hurtful like, yea, I agree, instead of, "oh no baby, everything is great." Which is what we like & want to hear.

So, listen & then the two of you can decide how to move on & get what you want & make your relationship better. It's not bad, relationships just get into a rut & we don't realize it until we need to do something about. Relationships are a lot of work. TONS! And it's worth it. Tell him how much he is worth it.

You'll be fine. Good luck, sister.

[Asker]

That is so sweet of you to say. But he really doesn't talk even if I stop talking he won't say anything or he'll just say "yeah I get it" with a bored face looking at the telly. It's really hard it's like he just wants me to shut up instead of trying to sort things out. And then if I bring it up again and again he'll say "i don't know if this is gonna work" and I'm like you haven't said anything just that you don't know if it's gonna work even though he couldn't comment on anything of what I said.

[DebiPie]

Turn the telly off. No distractions. When you says 'I don't know if this is gonna work' that's your cue to ask some questions: what do you mean by that? Can you tell me more? I don't understand.What are you wanting to tell me? And if you have to, ask if he is saying he doesn't think your relationship is working & if he wants out. If he says no, ask what is he willing to do to work on it? Is couples therapy an option? It should be considered. Say, if you don't talk it won't work.

[Reggie1]

Well, if you haven't discussed this with him, be gentle. He may feel that as he's paying for everything he doesn't have to make an effort, and this sort of thinking is a relationship-killer in the long-term.

You might want to ask him first what HE would like to happen in the relationship - it makes it easier to direct the conversation towards your wants/needs and it also means you can find out why he's acting this way.

[Asker]

That is a really good comment. However, I have tried to speak to him about it and because he's rubish at talking about "deep" stuff he will hardly say anything. The next day he'll pretend nothing happened and he keeps acting in the same way. I just don't know what I can do for him to see that there's something missing in our relationship - THE CHEMISTRY.