My boyfriend finds it upsetting that people have standards when dating which makes me think a few things:
1. He may have no/low standards. 2. He is only upset about the standards he doesn’t meet. 3. He doesn’t like the pressure it adds for him.
Please let me know what you think
Updates
+1 y
I framed the question this way to prove a point. I don’t think it’s abnormal to have standards whatsoever and it is possible he has none which would then explain his dislike in feeling inadequate to reach mine as he may be used to women of lower value (of themselves) But I don’t think that’s the only reason. Thank you everyone for your input!
Girls' expectations are consistently higher than guys'. Happens all the time.
Expectations are what make people chronically disappointed about life. The solution is finding what is REALISTIC, not what you simply want/prefer.
What girls don't understand, often, is that if you continue to let your man know that he is not living up to your expectations, he will feel like a failure. And just like never living up to your mother's expectations, what this eventually results in is a throwing up one's hands and stopping trying. And the end of the relationship.
It was evident by your wording that you feel guys are wrong, girls are right. That's a problem. It's not about who's right. It's about appreciation - and girls' lack of it. And some guys' lack of effort, but the effort is not the WHOLE problem. Not even close.
If there is no compromise, no appreciation, there will be no effort in return, and then it becomes a standoff. And then everyone loses.
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Asker
+1 y
Thank you for your input. I was not making this into a gender thing nor do I think my boyfriend specifically is wrong. I just found it odd he made it seem like having basic standards was absurd. Also, we had never spoken on our specific expectations and even the standards we spoke on were just basic things like people wanting to date someone who has a job and a car, and looks decent, nothing outlandish. Now I can agree that many women have higher expectations but when compared to no or bare minimum expectations (like having a pulse) then they will always be higher. It’s also unfortunate many women have unrealistic expectations and will never be happy. But for basic things like many other have listed such as hygiene, that’s not something I’m willing to compromise on.
Yeah, I was reading through the rest of the comments and your replies and I do think you are probably pretty reasonable.
But you probably shouldn't speak in absolutes, as you did. You didn't give two sides to the story, and you didn't qualify it with high/low/medium, or anything like that. You also said in your Update that you worded it this way to "prove a point", but... you can't speak of standards as if it's one thing, de facto, having them or not. Life, and peoples' expectations, are way, way, more complicated than that.
Men consistently feel women's are too high, and women feel men's are too low.
I think you just need to expand your thinking on this a bit, which you will, because you're polite and interactive, and you did add more missing details, so good for you. You're on the right track. 👌
Yes, I should have specified the level of standards I was referring to. I honestly didn’t expect this many or responses but I’m glad I could get so many different perspectives to expand my thinking.
Yes. My aunt at least says that you shouldn’t ever waste your life on low value men that barely meet your standards. There will always be a better man that’ll meet your standards and more.
Now she’s living a comfortable life In a LA penthouse. Her husband cooks and cleans for her 😄 he’s obsessed with her lol
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Asker
+1 y
Your aunt sounds like a wise woman, I love that for her and you to have that at such a young age ❤️
Her husband loves her, it’s completely his choice. She never asked him to do it, he just did it cause he’s a good guy.
And tf are you talking about, first men be talking about liking stay at home wives but now stay at home wives are taking. Advantage of their husband? Make up your damn mind
The pressure thing will be why. Standards can cause bad pressures. Not saying someone should have no standards. But there is a lot out that seem unfair or just create problems. It's kinda like why be with someone who makes you feel pressured if there standards do that, it will make you want to be single but then you don't want to actually be single.
Low standards i think, are a very important good aspect. Especially when it comes to true love at some point, if your in love with someone you don't want to make them feel pressured so you wouldn't want to put such standards on them and they would not want to do that to you to.
It's more about been level-headed and laidback that's way better than high pressure standards.
Why date, if you have no standards? If standards were not important, all you would do is meet someone and get married a day later.
The whole process is one huge vetting process. As a guy, I won't date women with a lot of debt. Like $50-250k in personal loans and credit cards. I don't date freaky people covered in ink and crazy hair styles. I don't date people who eat very unhealthy, get up late or drink too much alcohol. These are serious issues to deal with when dating and especially in relationships. Why would invite that into my life?
And of course bad morals such as stealing, cheating people, being mean to others and ruthlessness is a non-starter.
A person absolutely SHOULD have standards. That doesn't mean that they have to be unrealistic or impossible. Standards mean that you have self esteem. Not a blown out ego, but simply self respect. I can't imagine having no standards. Should you settle for a lazy, stupid, toothless, meth addict with a violent temper?
A person should have standards for themself, too. They should strive to be fit, clean, well groomed, and ambitious. They should constantly seek to improve their mind and build a good life for themselves.
The problem is, you can't impose standards on someone. Maybe your boyfriend is afraid that you want to change him. You can't. You can't look at someone as a work in progress that you can mold. You need to pick someone who fits your standards.
You should not have unnecessary high standards. Can't you fulfill them yourself it should go, and even if you fullfill them they should only be there if they are important. It's better to have options with variations then limit to things and lose good options because your filtering them away for silly reasons.
I think it's absolutely normal and necessary to have standards. I think sometimes people tend to put too much weight into items that aren't really important to a relationship and that can be a negative side effect of some standards. As a general rule though standards are a good thing, it's how you determine what you're looking for and how you figure out if the person you're dating is worth your continued time and effort.
Yes. I have standards and literally everyone constantly makes fun of me and says rude things to me. A girl i know is getting married and she says nasty things sometimes about me because "i dont date sluts" she will say you can't handle a real woman and shit like that. She is rude to my girlfriend won't even acknowledge her (hint my girlfriend does meet all of my standards) and this is a girl soon to be married. Why does she care what my standards are? Its very offensive to people to have meaningful dating standards.
But that is what makes it so valuable. A man or woman with high standards and who can maintain them in this shit show aka dating today, has good self image, boundaries, thinks things through, and doesn't cave to social pressure... a person like that should be highly desirable and valuable and i think they generally are in most peoples eyes.
No, it's not abnormal or wrong to have standards in dating. I think it's only abnormal/wrong if the standards are too many, or too unreasonable (such as things/features that the person can't change about themselves).
On your 3rd point. I think it's a good thing to feel pressured to stay close to your partner's standards in a relationship. It shows (in my opinion) that you aren't taking him/her and the relationship for granted.
It's not "standards" he's likely upset about, but people gatekeeping and/or sugar coating their ego to neg the other.
Never came across it personally. but a few friends did date bitches and bastards who thought they were "gift from God" and the partner "must" entertain certain demands.
I can almost certainly state that he has no issue with standards (and by the way you framed it, if he has no standards then what does that say about you?), its that he has issue with certain standards or the number of standards women have (which is massive and unreasonable in many cases).
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
Your list has common excuses women come up with but the reality is usually that guys just don’t relate to your expectations and find them gross.
Firstly, men are ask to compromise on what they want much more commonly. Secondly, women’s demands are alien. These thing contribute to a sustain for the attitude women have regarding expectations.
E. g not liking a woman because she made a list of things in the first place, even if I check all those boxes. By contrast men usually simply want things in a partner, but react to everyone they come across intuitively: I experience you and ask myself if I like you. I don’t reference a set of standards. That’s the dofference. Not to mention the standards themselves being gross.
Um, I don't think anyone's arguing that people should have *no* standards when dating. That would be insane. What a lot of people do argue, is that people shouldn't have *high* standards. I don't agree with that at all, but that's the usual complaint.
Seriously, everyone has standards on everything and most of them came from a limited point of view. It's all about if you can expand each other's standards to include each other in them.
Not abnormal. Everyone has standards. Some like big, some like small. Some like tall, some like short. Just because someone is a "conventionally attractive person" doesn't mean they will appeal to everyone.
All of your points relate to another, so if this is what you think about your SO, that he is "standardless" and unwilling to improve because of pressure, which I suspect is likely from you, you should dump him.
Standards are fine and normal; you should have them. The issue is that female standards are generally statistically impossible for almost any man to live up to. Most of you are going for literally top 1% and only selling they’re in the top 10-15%.
You should have standards. I find it funny how men want to talk shit about women's standard yet have unrealistic standards themselves. Them: me want sex first date. Also them: you had sex with me first date so you a hoe. See... don't listen to him
It's honestly super common... as annoying as it is, and if you are among the small population that doesn't was to get into a relationship via getting laid/hookup, then you will struggle immensely to find a relationship.
I would suspect that he has some insecurities and concerns about meeting whatever standards a girl may have. I would be concerned about someone who did NOT have standards when they are dating.
it is really depend on what standard a person have , if someone want perfect person without any flaw , then it is normal your boyfriend find that stupid , because it is logically impossible
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Yes, it’s normal. Does he feel that your standards for him are too high and is he afraid that he won’t live up to them?
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Asker
+1 y
We’ve never actually had direct conversation about my standards but he made that comment early on in our relationship and more recently told me he feels he’s not good enough for me so I think it’s more he’s afraid of not living up to them :/
Everyone has standards low standards are the normal these days but who wants to be normal like everyone else. Stand out from the crowd. Fly above the clouds.
No I don’t give a damn how much females say personality matters. Nobody’s gonna choose personality over looks. Well most women won’t. Personality only gets you closer and more drawn to the person
People do choose personality over looks, that said, looks are what open the door in the first place. Without looks, personality doesn't matter because in a lot of ways, how you look tells people a lot about your personality.
Oh you're talking about female to male attraction. Nah. Women are attracted to status and what level of comfort and stability a man can give her. If you've got enough sense to make yourself look like you can give a woman the world, she's probably going to be attracted to you.
Nah dude. The finer a woman thinks she is the more she wants status and cash; usually they're just okay without makeup. Women that are truly beautiful tend to be more traditionally conservative and their motivations are much more sincere and [for lack of a better term] pure than "fine" women.
If your hot yourself then yeah. But if your ugly with high standards you need to get your head out of your ass and go for people in your own league and stop aiming for the sky
Yes, I think it must stem from insecurity too because it’s almost like he thinks anyone should be flattered just to have someone show interest in them even if they have poor hygiene or look to be homeless.
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