Why was he so cruel?

[sillyfairy474]

We connected a couple of years ago through work. Flirted for several months then when we finally hung out outside of work things intensified dramatically. It was literally like when you see in the movies where they can’t take their eyes off of each other. That’s where things flipped from fun and flirty to feeling/having emotions. Unfortunately, it caused drama and I left the job shortly after. He asked me not leave and told me he was sad that I was, but I was kind of forced out. (He was a doctor and married.)

A few months later we talked…I told him I was having a hard time moving on and that I felt something genuine and real with him. He said he felt similar but obviously it couldn’t go anywhere.

Fast forward a few years. He avoids me if we run into each other…which I didn’t think we ended badly, so it hurts. I finally asked him and told him that it hurt me. He basically ridiculed me. Told me it was just one night and how could I possibly feel anything. Kind of snickered through some of his responses. Told me it was nothing more than attraction and not to read anything into it…that it was just a fantasy and not reality. He also said, “I don’t hâte you. It’s not personal. We just can’t be friends though. I don’t have friends that my wife doesn’t know about or friends that are women.”

I don’t get it. I understand that it’s been a long time but never expected him to be harsh or to get such a completely different vibe. I expected him to say he had moved on but didn’t expect him to negate the whole experience.

[Jake99999]

It was a fling for him - and he doesn't have any real feelings for you. I am so sorry, it must be painful for you. But just see it for what it is.

Now he is in CYA mode because he doesn't want to mess up his marriage ( a rich doctor would be a very expensive divorce I assume).

He is terrified that somehow it will come out and he will be discovered. It would be a huge mess for him. So he wants to bury it, doesn't want to be seen with you, etc.

He basically wants to just forget about you completely and have the memory of it disappear. He doesn't want to encourage you at all, because it might escalate and someone might notice. He won't leave his wife for you, he is deep into his life and you were just a fun moment for him. A moment of weakness.

Sadly, this happens a lot to women who have affairs with married men. Being a doctor he is used to being in charge and likely has a huge ego. You are now an annoyance to him. I know it hurts to hear but its true.

Just move on. There is nothing there for you. Think twice before getting involved with a married man again. It almost never ends well.

[sillyfairy474]

It was never actually an affair. That’s the thing. Nothing happened beyond flirting and exchanging the fact that we liked each other. Everything happened so fast and was apparent to everyone around that there was interest. But thank you for the response. You’re likely correct. Crap that he lied to me at first and led me to believe he actually liked me.

[Jake99999]

Ah... well, whether anything ever got physical or not, I am not judging. Was hard to tell from your original post. But I wonder would it have taken much for you to have gone to the next step? Well, regardless... even more reason to just move on. So you only had a brief emotional conversation after months of flirting, were some drinks involved? Sometimes people get outside work, have a few drinks, and things can loosen up a bit in ways they might not have otherwise. And then hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

Anyway I am sure there is a lot more detail here that you are not sharing. But, a brief emotional connection that never went beyond that is not too much to get upset about. Obviously he is not willing to change anything for the sake of it. Sorry its painful for you. I can imagine.

[sillyfairy474]

He doesn’t drink actually. He’s mormon. But you’re right, logically it was brief and shouldn’t be significant. Usually I’m not the type and have felt that way once before, that’s it and it’s not like I’m 21 with no dating experience. I guess that’s why. More of an intuition deal BUT obviously one-sided by the way he treated me. Thanks for not judging and the response. Just needed someone to help me see it for what it is.

[JPresidente]

I believe I remember the situation at the Christmas party too, right?

[sillyfairy474]

Do we know each other?

[JPresidente]

I was JPREZ before I left the site a couple of years ago. We messaged a good bit. 👍

[Anonymous]

Honestly love, I think it’s just time to move on past this mess. From the start, unless you were completely oblivious to him being a married man, then you had to have some idea of the ultimate outcome of this. 9/10, the cheating man is not going to leave his wife. For lack of a better term, you were a parenthesis, an occasional break in the humdrum of married life. This absolutely does not make what he did ok, he was wrong and I’m sure it was hurtful after. But honestly, nothing good was coming out of that situation from the start and you are doing more harm than good by holding on to that anguish rather than treating it how he is. Your driving force in moving on should be that he does not deserve to take up more emotion from you. You’ve poured enough into the situation, sought closure and didn’t get it. Well, you’ve got to find closure on your own now. So that you can move on, because you deserve that much.

[eagle1951]

well from my perspective. either he is putting on an act and is really hurting. or he's with someone else and has moved on.

[spartan55]

That's his perogative, he wants to bury it.

[sillyfairy474]

By bury you mean avoid?

[spartan55]

Forget about it. He probably has plenty of guilt about it, and this is his way of dealing with it. Very classy getting involved with a married man by the way.