Why does he keep forgiving me?

[Anonymous]

a bit of background info. this is a guy who I've had a crush on for almost three years now. we dont really see each other much (different cities and schools). he's asked me out once for a date over the summer. was great. I knew he really liked me as a friend. anyways, at the end of the summer, i decided to tell him i couldnt be friends anymore cause i had feelings for him, and that i didn't want to speak to him ever again. a month later i come back apologizing, he forgives me. i then do it again, and he forgave me again, telling me he'd love to be friends, but that he didn't like what i did and that if i really wanted to cut him out, that i shouldn't tell him, and that i should just leave without saying anything. I don't know what to think of this. why does he keep forgiving me?

[Anonymous]

Because he’s an empathetic person and he cares for you. But please recognize that there is a such thing as toxic friends, and you are being that. Don’t take advantage of the fact that he accepts you back into his life. I understand that friends come and go, but when you make a show of leaving (i. e the whole “I’m catching feelings don’t talk to me ever again”) then popping back up, you’re playing mind games at that point and it’s just messed up. It’s not cute, it’s not romantic or some movie shit, it’s just flat out MEAN. Have some consideration for the fact that he’s an actual person and quit taking his kindness for granted. You may not like what I have to say and have a negative remark but it’s not a big deal to me. I’ve been in his shoes and it’s really fucked up that you’re all chill about this like you’re in a Cinderella story or something. Have some decency, girl.

[Opinion Owner]

So you can reply to every guy but not me. Interesting.

[Asker]

i agree with what you said. im just unsure of what to do now. i told him i was sorry, now i just can't repeat what i did cause i know it was really wrong and just outright toxic on my end. i still have feelings for him, but im so scared i ruined everything. even though he forgave me, i feel like things aren't the same anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

Then you need to genuinely need to sort your feelings first and draw a clear boundary. You either put yourself out there and date him, or you be his friend. But you cannot straddle the line between friendship and wanting to date because you’re too scared to get hurt and give him a chance. It’s just selfish, unfair and you know he doesn’t deserve it. You’re right, things may not be the same anymore because you’ve played with his mind too much. But if you are consistent about being his friend then that will go away.

[Opinion Owner]

Didn’t mean to put need to twice but you get the gist.

[Asker]

the thing is though, i dont think id ever date him, so i just need to deal with the fact that we're always just gonna be friends, and thats it. cause i dont think he wants more. thats why i couldnt be friends with him. i just couldnt handle that. which i know is absolutely ridiculous and immature. but i feel like now he doesn't even want to be friend, and is just forgiving me because he's nice. i asked him today if he actually wants to be friends and isn't just forgiving me out of politeness. cause at this point, i feel like I've done too much damage, but he's just such a good person, that he'll forgive me.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s hard to be friends with someone when you want more, because those feelings always get in the way. Sounds likes it’s harder for you than him tho when it comes to that. I can’t say you’re wrong about him possibly being tired of everything. But honestly, I just think it’s more about your inconsistency and how you exit his life sometimes, he may not want to invest too much into your friendship because you could rip the rug from under his feet at any time. That’s why it’s important to pick a side. If you want more, then you may not personally be in a position to be his friend until you work past those feelings. But if you can be his friend completely, then you need to commit to that. Maybe you won’t get what you two had back immediately, but if you keep doing the work and stick to it, I think he’ll gradually trust you and you’ll have your real friend back.

[Asker]

follow up - he got really pissed at me for sending and unsending more messages... and he really didn't like the fact that i asked him if he genuinely wanted to be friends or if he was forgiving me out of politeness... he told me i need to concretely take time away from him. lol, i guess i seriously fucked up. i sent my last message just apologizing and stuff and that will be the last time ill be reaching it out cause. but yeah, he just thinks im insane now.

[Opinion Owner]

Awe man, I’m sorry to hear that. I hate to say it but he’s probably right, girl, it’d be good for you to take some time apart from him and sort your thoughts. I doubt he thinks your insane, but it’s just super wishy washy. Wanting to be friends then not, sending and deleting messages, it’ll get frustrating for even the most patient person. I know you’re conflicted in your feelings and stuff, so I don't know maybe with some space then you can figure it out. Sending you peace🤍

[Asker]

thanks for your help with this <3 glad this is officially over. im super embarrassed about it and i feel really shitty, but whatever, time to move on.

[bodiesands]

I think he probably has feelings for you too.
If not, he's the one being cruel, by not cutting you off when he knows you feel that way and he knows that every moment of friendzone is torture for you.
You, on the other hand, are only being cruel to yourself - by hanging around in hope, if you really don't think it's reciprocated.

I feel sorry for girls who fancy me and I don't reciprocate, because I know how painful that is - and so I gently close off to them/move away. They normally very quickly get the hint and give up (much more so than guys!).

If he's not doing that, then he may just be using you for comfort, or he may (unlikely) just be too timid or polite.
Either way, if you really can't tell, the only way to find out is to ask.

[Asker]

I think he’s genuinely too nice to cut me off, or as he said, he’d “love to be friends”

[bodiesands]

He's being super dumb by not cutting you off when he knows it's torturing you. I am a guy, and I *always* know when a girl is attracted to me, and I do everything I can not to lead them on. I could lead them on, like girls often do, just for the attention - but it's a shitty move for them, and I'd rather not give them false hope. Also it's just super fucking awkward, and sticky, and unpleasant as a situation. Luckily, it rarely happens, because girls normally get the hint (unlike guys in the same situation) and give up when they know it's not reciprocated - then back off to stop torturing themselves.

You're both at fault really. Stop being dumb.

[bodiesands]

You're not making yourself feel any better by sticking around.

[bodiesands]

Maybe he's just super insecure and likes all the attention he can get. Maybe you're just super insecure and think you'll never find anyone else. Either way this is a toxic mess.

[Asker]

yesterday he got pissed and said ''take this time for yourself, and if you wanna talk we can, but honestly i think you need to take time away from me concretely'' and he was super pissed about how i was sending and then unsending my messages, and going back and forth (which i understand obviously that that would piss someone off). then i asked if by ''concretely'' he meant forever, he saw my message, didn't reply, so then i just sent my final apology and goodbye. i have 0 intention on ever speaking to him again, im super embarrassed

[bodiesands]

I second Spartan55's comment

[Asker]

What that we’re immature, yeah I get it

[spartan55]

Neither of you are mature enough for a relationship.

[Asker]

What makes you say that?

[spartan55]

Didn't I go through all of this you once already?

[Asker]

What? I just made this account bro

[spartan55]

Yeah, I did. It's starting to come back to me. I spent a lot of my time talking you through everything. We came up with some conclusions. And now you are here again? I don't get why you girls do this? Is it for attention? Is this all made up?

[spartan55]

Yeah bro, so that means you couldn't have had another one before? Really? Try again.

[spartan55]

Yeah, I specifically remember you cutting off the friendship completely, because you had feelings for him. And you decided for him that he only liked you as a friend. Thinking you read his mind. And it was all based on how you felt about things, not what was really happening.

[Iron_Man]

Some people have a kind heart

[In_Trance]

Possibly of future sex

[Asker]

Wtf? You think he’d forgive me for the possibility of sex? That’s kinda ridiculous

[In_Trance]

You think he'd turn it down?
He wants to smash