Coworker has been treating me weirdly after sex, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys. So a while ago, I started developing a major crush on a coworker. When working on site, he would pursue me. Once he started work from home though, he didn't really reach out to me anymore.
So I started pursuing him online.

We have crazy chemistry both offline and online. So that's why, one day, I proposed to meet up after work. We met at his place. One thing led to another... However, the experience was... horrifying.
I was shocked and emotionally distraught for quite a few days. He revealed to live an extremely promiscuous lifestyle, and he seems to enjoy the power that he has over the women he sleeps with. During sex he went emotionally blank. He had performance anxiety, so he didn't function well which made everything weird. This never happened to me before. To turn him on again, he got me into erotic asphyxiation, which made my eyes red and swollen the next day and people noticed it... It was a mess.

What fucks me up mentally is that these things don't match up with the persona that I had a serious crush on. I can't believe I fell for it. So I am into a state of cognitive dissonance, confused and twisted. I still feel limerence for him, even after the sex fiasco, but rationally, I realize that he is far from the charming, sweet, caring person he portrays himself to be.

Needless to say he discarded me after sex. I saw him twice since that night, and he was his charming self, but he still doesn't reach out to me via app or anything. It's been weeks now.

I guess my questions are: Who is this person? A sexual Jekyll and hyde?
How do I get over him? And how do I deal with him if I see him at work again?

[SueShe]

You made the one error that every employee knows they should not do and that is to get involved emotionally and physically with a co-worker. You paid a high price for obliterating this number one rule.

Not only will you never be able to be certain that he did not tell about his adventure with you and how easy of a catch you were but also, you may have a bad reputation at work, which will make any interaction with co-workers very difficult at best.

As @PrettyPriya states, you must keep your attitude very professional and only interact with him on a purely professional basis.

As long as you work together, there is no avoiding him unless you ask to be transferred to a different department or location. You should be very careful about gossips being spread out if you change your attitude. If going to HR does not bring any results, I see that your only and best option is to change your workplace and start anew without any personal physical interactions with your co-workers. Good luck.

[Asker]

I have to say, when I started to develop feelings, it made it more difficult to focus on work. But things got even more complicated now. I am going to cut all ties from now on and act professionally.

[Asker]

And I am definitely shitting my pants now about people finding out

[SueShe]

There is no need to start worrying for nothing. If the guy knows where his interests are, he will refrain from saying anything. I read from your reply to @PrettyPriya that is may be going for a promotion. It is not in his interest to divulge something that may be impacting his promotion.

[Asker]

Exactly, let's hope for the best!

[PrettyPriya]

Simple. You discontinue your sexual relationship or any other outside of work relationship. Keep it professional at work. Should he continue to treat you poorly, disrupt your work or otherwise, you go to HR or your direct superior.

This is the problem with workplace relationships and why they are not allowed at many businesses. I wish you all the best.

[Asker]

I needed to read this. I know it for a fact, that it's against policy, but I never felt the gravity of breaking the rule of not messing around with coworkers. Now I do. Maybe that's why he is backing off as well, because he is going for a promotion.

[PrettyPriya]

Honestly, sounds like the situation will resolve itself by the extra details in your reply. If he has backed off and trying to get promoted, he won't want anything holding him back.

I would just say keep it professional and you will be fine.

[Asker]

That's a relief, thank you so much for your wise words!

[PrettyPriya]

Most welcome! 🙂

[Honesttguy]

And this is why i tell girls you will only get to know guys true self after you fuck him.
But they argue with me, tell me im wrong. Well alright waste your time dreaming for months just to then fuck him and realize his not what you thought.
Now you have full picture of him not just half.
So you can make proper decision.

[Asker]

Yes, and what an ugly face it was. I think what makes it even more of a mindfuck I'd that he is a fuckboy. But not just a fuckboy who objectifies women and only compliments them on their looks. Or maybe sweet talks, but still in a superficial way. I don't fall for that kind of type. This guy is way more dangerous because he uses deep emotional tactics.

[Honesttguy]

Sorry that you had to go through that stuff.
At work just tell him that this is not gonna work between you two. That you're looking for something else. Then distancing talking less and less, and giving it time.

[Asker]

I bet that if I run into him at work, he will act as if nothing happened, and he will continue with the banter. But I will def act more aloof to show him that I now prioritize professionalism.

[Adam1978]

This is why you need to get to know people in person before having sex, online is never a replacement. There is a reason why you date. It's to filter out shits like this. The longer time you check them the less likely it is that they can fake it without being caught.

[Asker]

Actually we spent a lot of time offline. Hanging out at work during breaks. But still, those were just glimpses of who he actually is. So I totally agree with you. But, with this person in particular, it would have taken months or even years to discover his shadow side so to speak, through dating, because he is very deceitful and manipulative.

[Adam1978]

The more time there is between time spent together, the more space there is to hide a second life. It's especially easy with todays internet services.

[boggboss]

Bo he is a guy that wanted sex so he showed u what he needed to show u to get sex

[Asker]

And I hate myself for falling into his trap

[boggboss]

Don't use it as a life lesson to do better next time

[Asker]

I will, thank you

[Wise4myage]

I get the feeling he just wanted to use you for sex.

[Asker]

Yes, he just wanted sex but he preyed on me emotionally and I think that makes him the most dangerous kind of fuckboy. I kind of respect fuckboys now who are open about being superficial douchebags.

[Wise4myage]

I agree. Stop pursuing co workers too.

[Asker]

Yes, I will never swim in those waters again! The thing is, I live abroad and him and I share the same language. So it started out as us having our private little banters. Also, from my side, I bonded with him over the fact that we are foreigners living abroad. In my native country, I never messed around with a coworker. But anyhow, lessons learned!

[Wise4myage]

👍👍👍

[fireforeffect]

Why on earth are you having sex with your coworker?

[Asker]

That's what I have been asking myself ever since.
Well, in my defence, we are not exactly in the same team. There's no real conflict of interests. Secondly, he was pursuing me, and even coworkers noticed how he was into me and I was flattered by the attention, even though physically I am not even into him. And my life was a mess at the time that the fling started.
But it doesn't matter anymore, he got what he wanted and now I am an anecdote in his mind, or not even

[fireforeffect]

Wait to have sex with the man that you Marry.