Are we back together?

[Anonymous]

I was dating someone a few months ago, he broke up with me cause he had chronic back pain and said he needs to focus on himself. Recently he took me away for the weekend, and all our friends and his family were excited and surprised to see me. His brother asked me if we are back together, I just said we are friends, but he told my girlfriend that “we are figuring things out” I’m not sure what that means since we didn’t have a conversation with one another. Was it just a random thing are does he really want to give it another go?

[coldmarch]

First of all breaking up because of chronic back pain is a bad indicator, it means you're a heavy duty for him, or anyway you're kind of "demanding", more than being a help, in balance. Of course a partner is demanding because it's a person who wants attention but if what he gets in return is smaller than what he spends, then he treats you like something that can be removed for the sake of peace, to focus on his health. Otherwise, if he was seeing you as something uplifting and helpful, in a moment of needs, he would rather stay with you, to actually feel better about his problems.
Then you said he is scared of commitment, so it makes me think he is a bit pushing away and needs a lot more space in general. Space is not just about "not contacting him", but it's about the perceived responsibility he has on you. For example, if you shown you're easy to offend, he will perceive continuously this thing that he must walk on eggshells and pay effort in predicting these things, always ready to face arguments. This kind of thing takes off "space" because it takes off mental space.
I have no idea about your relationship in general but it looks like he likes you, but, can't afford the responsibilities he feels with you.
The answer he gave with his family is probably just a placeholder in order to say something that doesn't make them ask more. He stayed balanced without having to explain why you broke up, or why you're again together. But yeah he could still be considering, of course, otherwise you wouldn't even be invited with his family I guess.
Still, staying in this grey area is not healthy to your self worth and esteem, can make you overthink and struggle. If you find yourself being addicted to this guy because of his mixed signals, put brakes and realize this would be the start of a toxic dynamic for your brain, that can only intensify (and become more difficult to quit).
Anyway, since it looks like you do have a chance, and he wants space and is scared of responsibilities (such as detecting you have expectations), I think it's better to let him come closer and take his time and decisions, while you keep going with your life. If you look like you are good alone or enjoy talking with other people (guys too), he will see a lot of space regained and will try to fill it with his presence and actions again (well, probably, but it for sure increases the chances he will be naturally driven to do it).

[Asker]

I agree with you regarding the partnership and the back pain, the thing is, he didn’t tell me about his back pain until we got back from holiday and he said he didn’t want anyone to know so they would all have a good time. My response was that being his girlfriend he should have told me at least so I could take the responsibility off him and take over for him so he could relax. I continued to tell him if the reason to break up is his back, I want to be there and support and help him. He said he doesn’t want to burden anyone. How can I help him if he doesn’t want to let anyone in? I think if anything I'm too accommodating, and that’s why he jerks me around. He even told me when we broke up I was too submissive

[coldmarch]

Yeah then probably you're putting yourself as granted and he feels the duty to not disappoint you, because if you give too much, you're also giving too much "debt" to the other person, if you do that too much, and they feel it and feel always a kind of guilt for not being dedicated the same, which translates in being generally put off. In general giving too much to a person who is scared of commitment pushes him away, because if he gives back all the attention and "sacrifices" (like being submissive about anything he does), then that would be a huge commitment I think, sealing it.
But he still contacts you and makes you meet his family so I would play this chance well if you still are determined to get a relationship with him. As much you leave him space, as much he will try to refill it by himself, but you have to do it in a not submissive way (like, not saying:"if you want space I'll give you", because this looks like you're always waiting and on hold to be able to do more and it's probably worse; but it has to be like, you genuinely start minding more of your business and yourself, and your "pride", and your other friends). This increases a lot of chances to balance or even invert the roles.

[Waldoe]

it means you have a choice... you can continue being "back together" or walk away...

[Asker]

I love him I wanna get back together, he left me

[Waldoe]

follow your heart, but guard your heart... for a while...

[Asker]

Thank you

[Sparkie460]

He's just putting his foot into the water and testing the temperature.

[Asker]

What does that even mean? Lol

[Sparkie460]

It means he's trying to see if things would work out

[Asker]

He’s the one who dumped me in the first place, cause his “back hurt” do I have a conversation with him? Or do I let it be?

[Sparkie460]

Maybe he's "feeling better ". You can try talking to him and see where you stand with him

[Asker]

He did keep saying that his back is really good right now. But I just don’t want him to break up with me again next time he is in pain

[Sparkie460]

If you think that would happen and you don't want it to happen then forget about him and move on

[Asker]

I am still in love with him so it’s been really hard to let go

[Sparkie460]

Would you stick with him if his back starts bothering him again

[Asker]

I would but he’s the one who pushed me away the first time. When I told him I want to support and help him he said he doesn’t want to burden or out the responsibility on anyone. I told him as his girlfriend that what you do! It’s not a burden it’s support. I’d hope for the same from him if the roles were reversed.

[far2gud4u]

Seems like he wants to just see how things go :) x

[Asker]

But should he have told me that instead of telling his friends girlfriend?

[far2gud4u]

Well had either of you talked about it beforehand? I mean you told his brother you were just friends so both of you said things without speaking to the other first? If he took you away for the weekend you were never just friends!

[Asker]

I know we were never just friends but he has commit issues and broke up with me because of his back hurting! While we were there he got a phone call from his friend/cousin and he told them he brought his ex girlfriend for the weekend. While I was in the room. I’m just so confused. It seemed clear he didn’t want to be in a relationship a few months ago, I just don’t want to be strung along

[far2gud4u]

So ask WTF he thinks he's doing... I would just say that you want to flesh it out to avoid confusion x

[Asker]

Yeah I guess you’re right, I mean if he’s gonna freak about me want clarity on what’s going on best to be done with it now, right?

[far2gud4u]

If he freaks out he's not gonna give you the answer that you would want anyway so best moving on now!

[Asker]

You’re totally right

[far2gud4u]

When a guy wants you, you know it and he makes you his priority. It's a cliche to hear but recently I have learned this first hand and forgot what it was like! You deserve him to step up or step out of whatever this is you are doing x

[Asker]

True, and I need to respect myself to not let anyone jerk me around emotionally, if he’s not sure if he wants to be with me, I don’t want to be with him

[Wise4myage]

Time will tell, but it looks promising.

[Asker]

He hasn’t reached out since Monday

[Wise4myage]

Then reach out to him.

[Asker]

He’s terrified of commitment, I don’t want him to think I’m being to needy or clingy. Plus I know he’s been busy all week. I just want to know if he really wants to give it another go, or he just is stringing me along. Either way he won’t admit to it