Why does every guy end up hot and cold with me?

[Anonymous]

Honestly it's getting really fking disheartening. i flirt and they flirt back, i think we're good and then they start shortening their answers and not putting much effort into things, never invite me to hang out.
or they seem really into me and other times not and they almost ignore things i said and if i compliment them they fall short... i just don't get it.. i'm sick of being the woman who guys just wipe their feet on and laugh.
I'm sick of being the so called, nice girl. i try make people feel happy or special, sexy and i only get half assed ones/effort back. i always feel like the people i'm into are never quite into me. it's not like i'm unattractive, not playful or fun either.
i'm just sick of it and want things to change because i'm tired of giving more than i get. if i let my gaurd down and start to give more THAT'S when they start to give less.
why do guys treat me this way and how can i turn the tables please?
:( thanks

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of men you meet with the intention to date will not fall head over heels for you, and accepting that this is ok is very important. I don’t say this to upset you, I say this to regulate your expectations and normalize them, so that you don’t have to feel hurt and disappointed when things don’t work out. A lot of what I read is you saying that you do xyz and it never works out, but a lot of that is you trying to be the person you believe will keep that guys interest, when in reality you won’t win by trying to perform your way into a relationship. If your efforts are never reciprocated, then stop putting so much into it from the start and instead match that guys energy. In fact, don’t even entertain the man with seedy behavior. Know what you’re looking for, ask in the beginning what he’s looking for, and if those things don’t align then drop him. But if he does want similar things, then watch his behavior going forward because his actual effort will tell you a lot about whether he’s into you or whether he’s performing. Like a guy who sits and listens to you talk rather than engaging and asking questions, that him making you think you’re being heard when in reality he’s already decided you aren’t for him.

[Asker]

:( thank you. i just try show them who i am.. i'm either all in or out.. i don't know what in-between is. i do try but i have way too much passion within me and so yea i do XYZ. nothing out of character to impress them.. i do it because i want to and that's who i am. it just never feels like i'm quite good enough :(
never the one people choose or want first.
i have tried matching energy... but if i didn't reach out to anyone ever i'd be alone for the rest of my life. i have already spent 3 years alone.. completely alone, avoiding everyone because i was sick of being treated the way i still am now. i don't want to have to match energy i just want to be me and have someone appreciate that for once :(

i don't even mean dating guys either, just guys i wouldn't mind a friends with benefit with. i want to feel sexy and desired but i feel like i'm a fking doormat for people to come wipe their feet and after they're done they're off and forget about me or treat me like i'm an afterthought.
i guess asking someone what they're looking for might help... often the guys i speak to give me mixed signals/messages. they seem into me but then the next... they don't. if i ask them what they're looking for maybe a mutual agreement of respect can be made..
if they're seedy then that agreement needs to be trashed until they make the effort instead.. is what you're somewhat getting at right?
every guy does that to me... EVERY guy. they love to talk about themselves but never ask questions. that has spread like a virus between people in general let alone guys. unfortunately.
thank you :( i just wish i knew in detail what i had to do and change.. it fking sucks

[Opinion Owner]

I completely get where you’re coming from. I’ll be 31 this year and currently in the first real relationship I’ve ever had in my life aside from a boyfriend in high school. Every guy between then and now had always been a dating phase if we even made it that far. I’d turned to dating apps a few times, really put my best foot forward and somehow always felt like the one to be discarded. I was in such a deep depression towards the end of 2020, it just felt like fail after fail, my confidence and self worth was going down the drain and I was so tired and hurt. The change was when I reconnected with a friend of mine who was a dating coach at the time, and she spent a good while coaching me about dating with intention. She said I needed to ask as soon as I could “what are your intentions for talking to me?” Or “what are you looking for right now?”. That was so awkward to me because I felt like it would scare the guy away, but she said I needed to date like I was looking for my husband, and that changed everything because for me, I want to get married one day. I want a family, and it makes complete sense now to look for a guy who wants that too. I started doing what she said, and I was shocked by how many guys were honest from the start. They’d tell me they just got out of a relationship so weren’t looking for anything to serious, or the wanna take it slow, or see how things go. I learned responses similar to this are all stalling bs from men who only want casual fun. I did meet some men who said they wanted a girlfriend, but their consistency was shit, they be super into me at the start then fall off. I left the apps and decided that I needed to work on myself, because while I was dating with intention it was still hurting my feelings a bit when things failed. I realized I needed to address my issues, build myself up, and then bring my best self to the table. Then I met my boyfriend at the end of last year just by chance.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry for the length of that lol but my point is basically to adjust your approach to dating to get what you’re looking for, or do what I did, stop trying to date and just work on yourself. All of these failed situations wear you down after a while, and sometimes it’s good to take a step back and heal the person you’ve become. You don’t want to bring broken pieces to the table but instead, a stronger person. I know single life can get lonely, I feel like I spent my whole 20s single. But you’ve I think healing yourself also helps with adjusting your perspective when it comes to dating, and your standards. My boyfriend came literally out of no where and has been so consistent with his effort and approach to me, and I think that person will come along for you too once you step back a bit from trying to find him.

[Opinion Owner]

**but I think, you’ve shouldn’t be in there lol

[Asker]

don't be sorry, i read every word and i'm glad you shared your story.. because it's actually VERY similar to mine. i didn't go on dating apps but i met guys through friends of friends or mutual friends on facebook. i always get the half-assed effort guys who seem interested but then drop off, or the hot and cold guy.
i also managed to run into the manipulative guy, the ones who like to have power over a woman by making her feel small.
I'm so sorry that you went through the same, honestly i wish i could cast a fking spell and everyone would get the love of their lives.. the ones who truly want and deserve it ofc. it really does start to eat away at your confidence and self worth when you don't get the same reciprocal energy as you're giving out. it does feel like fail after fail and sometimes we can take that personally.. i can def say i took it all personally, and now i'm just to the point where i'm fed up and want to change something i might be doing that's causing them to think they can treat me such a way.
i respect you for taking time to yourself because i have done that myself for 3 years. the only people i saw in those 3 years was my parents every 2 weeks.
your friend may be onto something then if that's the responses you got..
so those who say see where it goes.. are usually the ones who want casual.
it's those guys who say and claim they're into you then fall short of effort or fall off. seems to me like even if you ask a guy "what are you looking for right now?" there will still be guys who waste our time if that be intentional or unintentional.

[Asker]

either way i might actually start doing this thank you. does your friend have any advice for guys who you make clear agreements with who fall short? there's this guy who i want a friends with benefits with and he seems into it too.. but his texting is really bad and he hardly puts in effort to hang out. he will suggest me coming over to his but.. we all know what's going to happen at his.. if i refuse and re-plan a different day he will usually start acting cold towards me. i just find it childish and disrespectful.. we haven't even had sex yet (least not in years anyway) and i thought we were friends. that's how we started off i gave him no hint that we could have more.. and when i flirted and he flirted back.. it's almost like the friend bit has fked off out the window.

how can i get someone to respect the friendship in a friends with benefits situation i guess i wanted to ask? it's ok if you don't know, i guess i could ask that question on here and see what people say about it. i appreciate all the help you have given me.. you're right i need to be more upfront and set the standards for the guy how things are going to go and if he doesn't like it he can opt out. i can brush things off a lot of the time just to keep the peace, and because i don't want to seem petty.. but brushing things off realistically just makes me look weak. like a pushover.
i have cancelled meeting up with both guys... one is a friend who i started to kinda be into, the other was supposed to be a friend with benefits.. i'm taking a time out to refocus on more important things like support group, activity classes and my own home life and health.

you sound like a really awesome woman and i hope your guy treats you with the uttermost respect everyday. you sound like you deserve it and i'm happy for you. :) xxx

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you so much for your kind and positive words☺️. I feel very grateful for my boyfriend, if for nothing else, just showing me that there are still the men out there who will do the things that I’d genuinely grown to believe don’t happen in modern dating. So the reminder is very nice, and it gives me the confidence to tell you with factuality that your right person is out there, but he won’t get the chance to step through the door when you’ve set the stage for other men to block it. Like this friends with benefits situation you’re trying to arrange (saying this in a gentle way) feels you are about to keep investing your time, and essentially now your body, into the wrong person. I’ve been told in the past that platonic friendships between men in women only happen as a result of xyz, like one (or both) of them is taken, one (or both) of them isn’t interested, or they’ve tried initiating a love life prior and it didn’t work for whatever reason. But 9/10, men don’t want your friendship, and I think what your experiencing is a prime example of that because of how he is disregarding your time, making no effort, and has come to feel like even when he’s flaking left and right, a few reassuring words keeps your interest alive, and he shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Maybe you brush his actions aside or you give him benefit of the doubt because he’s your “friend” and you two have had a history, but if this is the value he puts on your relationship then he is definitely not worthy of sharing such intimacy with you. A toy is much more loyal, won’t waste your time, and you don’t have to worry about it losing interest in you.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s important to know what you want, and live in that truth regardless of how long it takes to find the right guy, or at least a decent enough one. I was very firm about what I wanted, and I think that helped navigate dating a bit better before I got into a relationship. For one, I went into each thing with zero expectations, and just giving that guy the benefit of the doubt if he was one to say he wanted a girlfriend. From there, I paid good attention to his behavior, and red flags. Like the men who start strong with the love bombing, calling you cute names, telling you they want this or that with you, etc. To me, that’s them trying to create a false sense of familiarity and security between us, when in reality it’s just setting you up to fall for the potential. I’ve always heard happiness with your partner is being their friend first, and so that’s what I looked for. This guy will genuinely be trying to know me, asking the right questions, and listening without being a wall (I. E not engaging in the conversation as well). He is consistent with chatting with me throughout the day, and doesn’t switch up his behavior after a week. I flat out dropped men who flirt too hard too soon, or ask for sexy photos. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and not once has he asked for dirty pics.

[DarkWinterNights]

Just from your post and barring any red flags you might be throwing out to guys (coming on too strong, bringing up taboo topics, boring conversation, etc.), it’s probably more a matter of where you’re fishing.


It sounds like you’re on apps and unfortunately that’s just the nature of online dating and it’s gotten worse since Covid. The guys you’re probably matching with are also matching with other girls. My old roommate used to use a couple different sites just for hookups. He would always filter out the ones that he didn’t think he could get with in bed within a week.


I’ve used apps in the past and they just don’t work for me for a number of reasons. A lot of people find them more difficult unless they more extremely photogenic and have game.

[Asker]

sorry but no, you have it completely wrong O_O i hate dating apps... these are guys i know in person or met on facebook through mutual friends