Why are guys so hot and cold?

[Anonymous]

I have been friends with benefits with this guy for about 6 months. We are #1 BFFS on snapchat and we talk every day. Before he was very sweet and respectful. We would play video games online when we weren't together, and we even joked about taking a trip together. He would straight up act like my boyfriend without the title. Then I called him out on some disrespectful behavior, and he has been distant ever since. It's like he couldn't handle being called out for acting rudely.

We used to have such good communication and now the relationship feels super distant and cold. We have always agreed that we were single and this was a casual relationship, but it's confusing to me why he went from acting like a boyfriend to being cold and telling me that he is hooking up with other people. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he wasn't looking to hook up with other people besides me. Now he is very obviously seeking out other relationships.

Why do guys act so sweet and then all of a sudden switch to being cold. I thought we were cool but now I'm just disappointed in the way he is acting.

[Siren777]

" 'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride..." - hot N cold by Katy Perry
Sorry, this got me singing...
She definitely got those lyrics right, don't you think?
If they're doing this, they love playing mind games.

[Biancam13]

I agree with some of the people here, he doesn’t like you enough. Sorry lovely. Find someone else who’s just that into you. A guy who is really interested will not want a casual relationship with you, he will want the real deal. Especially if your thing together has been going on for a while.

[Asker]

yeah lol that is the conclusion I have come to! It's unfortunate but I know I deserve better

[hsshannah96]

Yes girl! You shouldn’t have tolerated this for so long :) find a fabulous guy (but my advice is don’t go looking)
Just live your life. I have given up the guy thing
I’m more at peace when I give up
I think you’ll find the same

[Asker]

@hsshannah96 yeah I have realized that I really just need to be single right now. I'm only 21, and I am not in any rush to find a husband. I'm trying to dedicate this time to just working on myself and healing

[Anonymous]

He's not into you enough to want to be your boyfriend, you gave him a bit of shit so he thinks there's gonna be drama, he's moved on to other women who won't give him any drama. Once they do he'll do the same thing.

Friends with benefits is a stupid idea for a woman.

[hsshannah96]

He is a jerk and is too cowardly for commitment. He does not have the emotional maturity for anything more than a good ego boosting fuck.

[hsshannah96]

Guys deliberately go wishy washy on women from the very beginning of any friends with benefits
I experienced this too. He was a covert narcissist looking for me to follow him and stroke his insecure ego. They all are. they deliberately provoke women then act like they just “weren’t looking for drama”
Stop dude stop LMAO

[Opinion Owner]

@hsshannah96

Yeah. That's the biggest mistake girls make today, falling for those types of guys' tricks. They pretend like there might be a possibility of a relationship later on when they know there isn't just so she'll stay in the hope that things will change. They also pretend to respect the girl when they really don't.

[hsshannah96]

Lmao. Not me silly! Not anymore I am experienced

[hsshannah96]

yeah I have a guy friend who I told him that he can’t be calling my feet pretty or trying to cuddle if we are friends. LMFAO. You can’t have it both ways buddy

[hsshannah96]

I’m on online dating Right now. It’s the pits
I don’t actually use it I just have the stuff

[Opinion Owner]

@hsshannah96

You're also correct in your response to Biancam. Trying to get revenge or to go cold just to see if he'll come back is also stupid. It's best to cut them off completely, have it not be a bluff and move on. As long as you're thinking about them or what they're gonna do you're still in the trap, no matter how much you tell yourself you're getting one over on them and no matter how much you think you can play the game better than they can. The winning move is to not even play.

[hsshannah96]

This

[MrNameless]

@hsshannah96 you didn't imply you want a relationship from him from your original post.. do you want one with him, because it doesn't seem like you communicated that with him

[hsshannah96]

@MrNameless I didn’t make the OP

[Asker]

@hsshannah96 yeah I definitely fell into the trap. He was so back and forth, and it kept me on the line hoping that one day he would change. The thing about these guys is that they will call you emotional/crazy, but their hot and cold actions are the things making us emotional lol. It's basically gaslighting.

[Asker]

@MrNameless I wanted one initially but after seeing the way he dealt with certain situations, I realized he would be a terrible boyfriend.

[Honesttguy]

Well find another guy with benefits, disrespecting was not aggreed upon. He was too weak and fragile to work on himself. So he run away. His problem, not yours. Look for smarter guy next time someone who also want to improve, better spent time for both. In my opinion.

[Xoxocutekitty]

People are hot and cold when they are aspiring to do the bare minimum required to maintain the status quo.

If he really liked you, you'd know. If he hated you, you'd know.

If he's bored of you, he'd probs 100% ghost you but he can't in this situation because there are complications.

I'm sure he likes you enough. Like more than being alone. But not enough to turn other people down. So he's just using you as a placeholder until he finds someone better and then he's dump you for sure.

[hsshannah96]

He’s benching her by halfway dumping because he’s a selfish coward

[lil429]

If he's acting hot and cold, he's just not that into you cause a person who really likes you would never give you mixed signals. I would say give him a taste of his own medicine and start acting cold towards him, he'll be running back to you in no time.
I had the same situation with a guy, called him on his bluff and he's been acting weird ever since. I liked him and I still like him but he cannot disrespect me and expect me to ignore it.

[Asker]

Yess that is my plan now lol. What do you suggest doing to give him a taste of his own medicine? Just not responding to him as much? But totally I am way passed just accepting his behavior, and if he doesn't like to be called out oh well

[hsshannah96]

Don’t respond to him AT ALL

[hsshannah96]

Ignore him. Go grey rock. That’s how to handle a narcissist. Starve them of all attention

[hsshannah96]

Don’t get revenge
That will feed his ego. They love when someone loves them enough to get revenge
The BEST revenge is to move on and live a happy life WITHOUT HIM. This will piss him off to no end

[Anonymous]

well, you are friends with benefits because you do not want to deal with the commitment and that can include the negatives of a relationship, like arguing.
6 months is pretty long for such a relation, you should consider stopping the casual sex if you want to safe the friendship.

[Asker]

Yeah that is what I am going to do now. I think it's better for my mental health to stop hooking up

[Bellatris]

"... you're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go-o"

[modelUN242]

You’re generalizing all guys to be like your friends with benefits.
First of all, a friends with benefits is a sex partner and nothing else so you shouldn’t expect much.
You always get hurt in these situations. Sounds like you liked him giving you attention and acting like a boyfriend. And then when he was looking to hookup with other women, you became jealous.
Also, anyone who does friends with benefits is a slut.

[NobleFlight]

Firstly, I don’t think you should judge all guys by your experience with one.
Second off, I don’t know of many people like this, maybe he couldn’t take criticism and doesn’t want to talk because of it? Try asking him.

[Asker]

He basically just said the criticism made him uncomfortable, and that it was turning things more serious than he would like. Essentially, he thought me calling him out on stuff was too serious for our relationship.

[NobleFlight]

Well then that’s how he feels, what do you feel?

[Asker]

I feel like he didn't really understand how he hurt me. I feel like he was more defensive than he was understanding, and it made me feel guilty for bringing up my hurt.

[NobleFlight]

Tell him that then

[Asker]

I did lol, he was still just defensive about it. I think it just got too serious for him

[hsshannah96]

Lmao. So he is just seeking excuses to not take responsibility for his actions
He’s a twat

[hsshannah96]

He is a narcissist
That’s what they do. They will push your buttons and then when you decide to tell them you’re upset, they’ll turn it back on you and play the victim
PM me.

[hsshannah96]

What he’s actually doing is a narc tactic called word salad. This is where they make a bunch of nonsensical statements one after another that don’t align with each other to confuse the woman and take her off guard to make it less likely they’ll have to take any responsibility. They also do it because having the power to make someone angry strokes their ego.

[Asker]

@hsshannah96 oh yeah girl he had a biiiiiigg victim mindset

[Asker]

@hsshannah96 I don't have enough XPER or whatever to PM you :/ Can you message my account? It's ssdog712

[Lisalisa2021]

MAybe he has noticed that you have a little more feelings than friends with benefits.. He may also have been in a bad mood. Just give him a little space for a days and say you felt uncomfortable with the way he was acting and is he ok?
It also sounds like he is trying to make you jealous by saying he is seeing other Girls.

[hsshannah96]

I read all her comments. He’s a narcissist

[Asker]

@hsshannah96 lol yeah I've broken it off with him now, but this is pretty accurate. He essentially told me he kissed another girl and that he enjoyed it

[hsshannah96]

Omg
I knew a guy exactly like that
Good thing you ditched!

[The_Maphio]

Let me be clear. Friends with benefits means that the guy wants the fun part of the reletionship minus the unavoidable mutual bitching of a couple's life.
Let's say you overstepped a border, there.

[MrNameless]

but he was rude to her? Might not even be a relationship thing, but common decency/rsespect

[The_Maphio]

@MrNameless Alas, the concept of "Being nice" is very much subjective.
He probably meant to make her understand her trespassing in forbidden territory by getting colder with her for a while.

[Asker]

I think no matter the agreement, I have the right to call someone out for being rude. Just because we were not in a relationship doesn't mean I can't confront him for being disrespectful.

[The_Maphio]

Oh you have every right to do so.
Whether that matters in any form though, it's a different story entirely.

[Shihab91]

you live a lie and bullshit... between man and a woman there is only love or lust... it seems that you care about him more than just a friend with benefits. my advice is to stop it either in a real relationship or nothing.

[hsshannah96]

Because he’s a jerk
simple as that
so are most of the guys I’ve known

[jasco]

He's upset, angry, embarasse, along with not taking to well to someone whose not even dating him or anything more than a hook up telling him off

[spartan55]

Maybe he didn't agree with your assessment about him being rude.

[Asker]

Yeah I don't think he did lol

[spartan55]

Well wouldn't that explain his actions then?

[Anonymous]

wow, thats cold! If I had arrangement like that she would be respected because of are agreement and maybe even a little spoiled... I mean dam your giving him what he needs and as long as your satisfied with what you get from him! Win, win!

[BubbaTech]

If the behavior wasn't towards you, you didn't say...

Then it wasn't for you to tell him.

If it was towards you. Then he was testing the waters for a breakup...

He is thinking of ending it.

[Anonymous]

Ahh the AGE OLD QUESTION 😆 I’m just here for the answers...

[whatdoyouwantt]

Try to ask him if you think it’s worth it. Otherwise just let it go. Maybe he lost interest.

[TheFlak38]

Ask women. they are the masters of hot and cold and the silent treatment.

[KrakenAttackin]

You lost me at "I have a friends with benefits".

He runs "hot and cold" because you are just a cum dumpster to him. Understand?

[michael1469]

If you were just FWBs why does it matter if he doesn't wanna anymore?

[Asker]

I guess it got to be a little more than friends with benefits for a while. No commitment but way more relationship stuff than most fwbs would have.

[michael1469]

I enjoyed my FWBs. Took them out to eat, movies, maybe even a party. Sure, a quickie and leave happens, but i felt even as FWBs she didn't need to feel used.

[hsshannah96]

That’s still a friends with benefits. He was just also giving the F part

[michael1469]

Find yourself another?

[Asker]

yeah we just got into muddy waters where we acted as boyfriend and girlfriend for a while, but then he would always go back to saying that he wasn't interested in anything more. I ended it with him the other day, but I've learned that friends with benefits situations are not for me lol. I just can't separate my emotions like that

[michael1469]

Best of luck

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should see your tone when you said something to him. If you tell us nicely we can work out on it, but if you act like a rude person we lose respect for you, its as simple as that.

[Asker]

Yeah I totally agree! I always try to say things in the nicest way possible bc I hate confrontation. I would never be a bitch about it lol