Why would a guy say a woman deserves better but not want to break up?

[DermalPunch]

My boyfriend is a sweet guy who I know is head over heels (as am I) but is a bit of an ass sometimes and his communication is really 💩. To his credit, he does try to change certain damaging behaviors (we both do) but he will fall into old habits before progressing again.

He has problems on all fronts and I suspect he didn't get an exam he just wrote but he hasn't said anything to me. He confides in me a lot.

We got into it over some callous thing he did and his social media habits. He said I deserve better which I took as the classic "it's not you it's me" and figured he's been lining up someone because that's usually the case. I said let's end it then to which he replied "I cannot leave this relationship". 🤔.

Why would he say this if he doesn't want to end it?

[JaxiCats]

Because they know they aren’t treating you the best that they could but they truly care about you and don’t want to lose you…me and my boyfriend are at this point. We aren’t going to break up neither of us would let that happen but I have a mood disorder and get snippy easily so whenever I hurt him on accident and not realize it until later I hate myself for it, I wish I were gone because I’m hurting him but he knows that I’m not mentally or emotionally even when shit is getting to him he’ll apologize for not being enough (which isn’t true I just get overwhelmed by my emotions easily and they can affect me all day) and I reassure him apologize and we talk it out. I doubt myself with the person I love because I have hurt him unintentionally which at that point I tell him he deserves better and he then has to reassure me.

[DermalPunch]

Firstly, I hope you can get to a manageable place with your mood disorder. I can really relate to what you are saying here. And yes, we talk things out too.

[JaxiCats]

Yea it’s a work in progress and that’s good

[DermalPunch]

He came to me and was bawling in my arms because his sister was cursing him out. He keeps agreeing with me when I say to him how he's been being hot and cold and talkng out of bith sides of his mouth. I said I can't anymore and he was just gripping on to me. I had to end it though. He really is trying to get me to accept crumbs.

[JaxiCats]

I’m sorry

[midnightmoon05]

38 your true age?
what do you want?
a happy healthy relationship I am guessing?

[DermalPunch]

Your response to my question has really enlightened me as to why men shut down on women. We can never take anything at face value. Yes 38 is my real age. Just coming at me me all "sure Jan".

Anyhoo, yes I want a happy healthy relationship and for the most part it is a relationship where we are very vulnerable and open with each other. We are both seemingly happy laughing people but beneath the surface we are both rather intense.

He has a habit of shutting down but where my friends have to wait a week for their partners to come around I can coax mine out in a day. Also we both want the relationship. So it's worth the trouble.

[Lionman95]

I think he´s struggling with life and all the fronts he´s working on. At the same time he looks at the relationship and feels bad about you having to put up with a guy that is struggling so much.

I think he´s insecure and not really wanting to end the relationship he just feels bad for you and him.

[DermalPunch]

Yes, this is it. And we had a whole thing about him and his secrecy and I think it is really from a place of shame and feeling inadequate. He's opening up but then I get suspicious. And like I was so pissed because he doesn't initiate texts a lot now I realise it's again him wanting me to show I want him sooo much. But I don't like that dynamic.

He did this dumb thing on social media which toatally pissed me off and now I am realise he did for my attention because I was all deep into doing my artwork and I'm really back in the swing of things.

So I think he got panicky which was stupid to me since he said he needs all this time away from his problems so I gave it to him. I got busy and deprioritzed him.

Called him out for being a drama king and told him the manipulation games are not it.

He will behave.

And it's so jacked up because it's like he just loves me more when I call him out on things. And I don't mince my words.

[NathanDavis]

to me... it is a message that says

"I am not going to get better, so... up to you to settle for less with me, or find better elsewhere"

and yes, it is up to you...

[DermalPunch]

I was waiting for you. He has gotten A LOT better. From the time I met him to now big difference. What happens is something doesn't go right and he lapses into these attention seeking behaviours.

[NathanDavis]

well yes... but that says " you deserve better "

and it does not say, " you deserve for me to try harder on getting better "

when someone gets better.. but then goes back to usual, that is a loop, that's a vicious cycle, which is not good either, because it will just give you hope and then take it down, and then up, and taking it all down... and that only wears you out more and more

[DermalPunch]

Good point. I guess because it isn't like he is going back to square one. He absolutely is making progress on things he knows he has to do regardless of us being together or not. It's just there isn't really anyone around but me who holds him accountable.

[NathanDavis]

well... let's consider that maybe, the circle is becoming smaller every time, so a lot less things... and some, certain things still remain, that would still be an improvement

you sure would be in the best position to know better about that

[DermalPunch]

@NathanDavis thank you 💙

[NathanDavis]

gladly

[YHL6965]

I think it's low self esteem combined with self-pity. Now, he might be using self-pity as a "Poor me" tactics, to bait for attention in hope that it boosts his self-esteem but that just doesn't work and it most likely annoys people in the end.

[DermalPunch]

There is absolutely attention seeking going on.

[ohsheeT]

Because he's manipulating you it's another form of manipulation and anybody that Stoops to be or to go that low he has to really watch him because he's doing it with everything he does then no matter how he's talking to you one form or another he's manipulating you

[AimeeKyle]

From what it sounds like to me is, he is attempting to be a martyr and/or is degrading himself to distract you from focusing on the real problem / using that statement as an excuse.

[DermalPunch]

Yes he tried that but it doesn't work with me. And I called him out on the theatrics.

[AimeeKyle]

Good for you. If the behaviors continue you will have to decide if the relationship is worth continuing forward with. These sorts of things don’t get better with a more committed relationship, they usually get worse.

[DermalPunch]

Yes and what worries me is that he tries to act macho but if I have to put my foot down it's obvious he is trying to hide how attached he actually is.

[DermalPunch]

But he can't be an ass and then say oh I love you so.

[AimeeKyle]

It sounds like you have your eyes wide open. It’s not looking good from the outside looking in. If the behavior continues I would run….

[DermalPunch]

He was bawling in my arms last night. He has never been that bad before. He also never came to me right after a fight with his family. I did comfort him but still said we are through because I want a real commitment in actions. I mean can severe life problems really make a man scared to commit? I keep hearing it is always an excuse and a man will always lock down the woman he loves. I guess I'm just not the one. One day I will be happy about it. In time.

[AimeeKyle]

All sorts of things can make an individual scared to commit…. and I wouldn’t be concerned (if I were you) if that’s all it was (a commitment issue). To me it’s the manipulative behavior that is the issue.

Hang in there…. There is match out there waiting for you…. be patient.

[DermalPunch]

Yes, I will be patient. He doesn't know any better.

[Anonymous]

He wants validation. He wants you to say, "You do deserve me baby! I love you so much!"

You're both playing emotional games with each other, but it's ok. We all do it

[Opinion Owner]

It's the same reason women say they're ugly on Facebook, but secretly want everyone to tell them how beautiful they are

[DermalPunch]

Hmmm... that's interesting. I am twofold for that nonsense so I don't do that.

[Opinion Owner]

A little bit by saying "let's end it" but to your credit you had a good reason to. But I doubt that's what either of you want. Men are like dogs Just tell him he's a good boy and give him a treat. He'll be fine lol

[DermalPunch]

It wasn't manipulation. I am perfectly fine to walk away. It will hurt a lot but I can do that.

[DermalPunch]

I may try the treat hahahaha

[Opinion Owner]

Fair enough, especially after he says all that. Tell him he's an amazing guy and you don't want anyone else but him, then go down on him. He'll get the validation he needs and the two of you can live happily ever after. Or dump him and find a guy with a higher self esteem. Either way good luck to you and your man

[DermalPunch]

I had to leave the relationship. He says he's got problems. I just think he loves me but doesn't want a future with me but was fine to use me for emotional comfort. He says he isn't using me and that he loves me and wants to be with me but he has external problems. My argument is that if someone is willing to stand by you and go through the storm with you and you still won't be solid with them you just don't really want them your side.

I took him back actually after a huge break form last year. But it was nothing like it was before. I let him get away with things. This time around I held him accountable and refused to be toyed with. The reuslt: he grew super attached to me and made changes he wanted to make but had no-one pressing him to do it.

I told him, he can't keep running from his problems. And he can't have gold for the price of copper. So we are done.

[DermalPunch]

And listen, I boosted that guy big time. Not stroking his ego but speaking authentically and keeping my word. He's been raised with insults, yelling and drama. I don't do that.

[ZZed5]

He just wanna do you.. but not take responsibility for you

[DermalPunch]

He isn't doing me since I don't do the premarital sex thing but I agree about the responsibility thing.

[msc545]

Just ask him - don't ask people who don't know him and have no idea as to his motivations.

[DermalPunch]

Yes!

[Pinay_ako]

Because he hasn’t found a replacement yet… sorry 😣

[DermalPunch]

Generally yes but in this case there are deeper issues at play.

[Iron_Man]

He’s just feeling sorry for himself and is down on his luck that’s why he made the comment

[DermalPunch]

He for sure is.

[Iron_Man]

Thanks

[maximumpower]

wants to keep the benefits but wants out of any commitment.

[DermalPunch]

We are un a committed relationship though.

[maximumpower]

If true, then you shouldn't be worried about analyzing his statement.

[DermalPunch]

Well no because this is the go to "please break up with me because I don't want the guilt of doing it" phrase. It is one of those relationship death phrases. If I were married 25 years and my husband said this to me I would still be seriously concerned.

[Jouth]

maybe try doing kisses to him

that always fix it

[DermalPunch]

No, this is escapism.

[Jouth]

well maybe it will work

[Farmer27]

Sad dude

[DermalPunch]

Sad as in mood or pathetic?

[Farmer27]

pathetic

[DermalPunch]

Why?

[Farmer27]

Only a sad dude would say something like that.

[DermalPunch]

Which deserve better or can't leave

[Farmer27]

Both

[Zolly99999]

He hasn't secured a new girl yet. .

[DermalPunch]

Yes sure this is usually it. My question doesn't go into the whole backstory. It really isn't that and some things happened since I posted this. There are much deeper issues at play.

[Zolly99999]

@DermalPunch I'm sorry yo hear this. I wish you the best of luck