What should I do when a man says he’s not sure what he wants at the moment? And that he’s not sure if he wants something long term or permanent?

[Anonymous]

[ĂþhƏNa]

He doesn't want. That's obviously! you know it's worse to being middle of something else. Now or never. If he really liked you, he would open himself to you. Don't waste your time for those. It seems you're pretty middle aged women and I guess you don't need uncertain high school relationships.

[Anonymous]

It means you’d be wasting your time waiting for him to make up his mind. But the answer is as clear as day. He doesn't want you.

[RavVid]

Give him some space to figure it out I'd suggest. Sounds that he is attracted to you so I don't see that you can do much.

What do you want?

[Asker]

I had immediately decided to give him space. I don’t want to pressure him but I made sure to be clear about how I felt so there is no confusion about where I stand, but if I’m not it for him at all, let me know and I’ll move on. He didn’t respond and I haven’t reached out since then (been a week. I figured maybe he’ll come around after giving him space and time, or maybe he won’t.

[RavVid]

I think you have done everything right and can't do much more. Essentially when you are attracted and the other person is attracted to you, the common experience is that the guy and girl can't keep away from each other. At that time you are not questioning if it is a short term or long term thing.

I suppose perhaps he might have some serious stuff going on in his life, such as studies, and might feel a major life distraction should be resisted. Maybe.

You might give it a bit longer than a week than give him a final call to jesus so to speak but he does seem missing-in-action.

Again I think you have been very mature in what you are doing.

[Asker]

He does have MAJOR things going on. Loss of both parents at the beginning of the year and still dealing with the aftermath. I just try and support him and let him know that I am always here for him (which my actions have greatly backed my words). it’s just him now since he was the only child. He said he is interested but it’s hot and cold, the pulling away when we get close or the last minute flaking so it confuses me. But yes, space is what is needed not just for him but for me as well. It sucks because I promised that I will always be there but at the same time the confusing behavior is pushing me away. I also gave the option to be strictly friends and that I would be fine with that but no clear answer.

[RavVid]

Traumatic memories are not like other memories. They get stored in a different part of the brain to other memories and when those memories come back you have the same emotional response as when they were formed. And those memories come back unbidden without any prompt in my experience.

It could be that feeling close to you is prompting the recall of love from his parents and consequently their death. I am not wanting to be an amateur pysch here and you should not take my opinion as of any significance. But I do want to recount my own experience in case it helps.

i had a traumatic experience 2 years ago during which I thought I might die. I had PTSD symptoms after that and it stired up past memories. One of those was my first day at school. Suddenly as a mature man I was re-experiencing the raw emotions of a 5 yo boy - exactly as I experienced them at the time as that is how traumatic memories work. So maybe something of that sort is going on for him. Dunno.

Another thing I want to say is generally girls will talk these things out. Guys are different we don't want to talk them out because it is acknowledging it to do so and we would rather suppress. So don't be hurt if he doesn't want t talk about it.

I think you are doing very well by him and I applaud you. However you can't put your life on hold indefinitely so you do have to think about yourself as well.

It might help him to get some counseling if possible. Certainly helped me.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your insightful, non judgmental responses. Also, I’m sorry you went through that. Trauma is no joke. That ptsd will trigger out of nowhere. Could be immediately after the cause or it could be later down the line. But I understand what you are saying. From here on out I wish him well. There isn’t much more that I can do. I’m moving forward and putting all that love, patience and care that I put into him, into myself. I deserve it too. Again, thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Well I certainly wouldn't put any effort into a guy that said that.

[Asker]

I didn’t reach out to him again. 🙂

[Wise4myage]

I say cut him loose, and move on. He doesn’t know what he wants, so why waste time on him.

[dustybiker]

He’s wasting your time.