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He said he cares about me, we have a soft spot for eachother and he said he wants the best for me … but he doesn’t want a relationship and it hurts so much
i don’t know why those words give me hope that he will come back
I'm really sorry. I am working with only this snippet of conversation; but. based on this... You should not hold out hope that he will come back.
To me, this sounds like a gentle, thought-out rejection, but a clear rejection nonetheless.
Keep in mind I don't know your history at all. But based just on this, it sounds like a guy saying quite clearly: "You are someone who I care about and I want what's best for you. But that isn't me. I do not want a relationship".
I think it's natural to HOPE that he might come back (the way anyone might), but I do not see anything in these WORDS to suggest anything like that.
Sorry. 🙂
Thank you
We were supposed to be friends with benefits.. I changed my mind on it then I wanted to.. he felt I was vulnerable and a bit emotionally unstable. He didn’t want to sleep with me for that reason.. he finally admitted it.. we talked on and off since January
Well, it sounds like this guy might actually be a decent dude. But I missed something. When you say you "changed your mind" do you mean:
1. Changed your mind about having sex, then changed it again and wanted to
or
2. Changed your mind about being friends with benefits (wanting to be more than friends with benefits) then changed your mind back
And when you say he didn't want to sleep with you because he felt you were vulnerable and emotionally unstable, is THAT what "he finally admitted?" or do you mean "he finally admitted" that he didn't want a relationship?
(sorry)
It’s fine! I was trying to keep it short but I know there’s some missing pieces in this.
I really didn’t know what I wanted. I was going through a lot emotionally and in my life. I felt really lonely so I thought I wanted to sleep with him.. I couldn’t make up my mind. Deep down I didn’t want to but he did make it clear in the beginning that he isn’t looking for a relationship and he’s looking for friends with benefits.
I changed my mind on wanting friends with benefits bc I didn’t like the fact that he could possibly find better and I’m just “someone he sleeps with”.. I still couldn’t make up my mind… he sensed I didn’t really want to do it and made up a lot of excuses as to why he didn’t want to anymore.
Yes, I wanted more. I wanted to sleep with someone who loves me.. so basically I wanted a relationship but not really…
He already said that he didn’t want a relationship but in the end he made up excuses whenever I would hint at sleeping together bc I was vulnerable
We had got into a argument that I started and he kind of told me the truth about myself… but I did say something rude first
But I asked him why he responds to me..
He said “I feel bad for you” “I think you’re lonely, angry and insecure” he didn’t lie tho lol
First, don't try and keep it short. 😉
Second: I think that this guy showed he's one of the good ones by not sleeping with you. A lot of guys would have, just because they could have, despite knowing that it was likely going to fuck with your feelings. I think he did the right-by-you by not sleeping with you.
I think you're absolutely correct when you say "you don't want friends with benefits, you want a relationship". I get the sense that's EXACTLY where you're coming from in everything you've written here. I don't even necessarily mean "with this particular guy" either. You very much seem to be wanting a relationship.
You don't want to be "some girl someone fucks but nothing more" for this guy or any other (I'm assuming here, but I very much get that sense from things you've said here). But that's OK!! There's nothing wrong with that. In fact... that's a good thing, since you should be looking for guys who ARE looking for a relationship... and those guys will want girls who are looking for relationships (like you!).
Now, when you asked why he responds to you. He didn't mean what he said. That was not the reason he responded to you. He may very well see those attributes in you, but that's certainly not all he sees in you, nor is he responding out of pity. THat's not true, and I'd be willing to bet he'd tell you so himself once his anger faded.
So don't go taking the wrong 'lessons' from this experience.
What happened here is actually pretty clear:
1. You guys made plans to get together under the 'friends with benefits' label (as per what he's looking for or ready to commit to)
2. Either before, or when you get together... it becomes clear to him that you AREN'T looking for friends with benefits. (again, that's not a bad thing)
3. He did the right thing. He didn't sleep with you because you were more emotionally invested in him/sex with him than any friends with benefits should be. That's how someone gets hurt. He made excuses because it was wrong for him to have slept with you considering your feelings.
Friends with benefits is EXACTLY what you said you DON"T want. It's sex divorced from all romantic feeling. It's sex for the sake of the enjoyment of sex. Nothing more.
You were clearly not going to be able to do that without getting hurt. So he did the right thing.
I just don't want you to go away from this thinking you were some pity-case who he only talked to because he felt bad for a lonely insecure angry girl. That's not what happened from his perspective.
I think you should probably let this particular relationship go. But moving forward, I think you'll be just fine, as long as you don't go pretending you're ok with a friends with benefits arrangement. That doesn't seem to be what you're looking for. You're looking for more. That's actually a good thing (in my view), but you should be up-front about it, and not try the friends with benefits thing at this time in your life. 🙂
Yes I agree with every single thing you said!
I forgot that he did make it clear after our argument..
He said “I didn’t sleep with you because I don’t want you getting hurt or attached if a relationship didn’t come from it” that hurt my soullll omg 😭😭
We actually never got the chance to meet up bc of our busy schedules.. that was another factor.. his schedule was crazy bc he is a probationary firefighter and I am a college student
He was really stressed with his job.
But I’ve never felt this way about a guy… it’s beyond infatuation so ik it’s “real”.. I just feel hurt that he really doesn’t want me… he doesn’t want to stay..
It hurts so much
I'm really sorry you're going through the pain you're going through. Nothing I can say is going to help make you feel better. Only time will do that. And healing is a terrible fucking time. But you ARE healing in the backround when you're crying yourself to sleep and dragging your ass through the day. But it's an awful time, and there's no way around living through it.
But I do want to suggest that you might be looking at things a bit wrong.
This was a guy who was not looking for a relationship--with anybody. The fact that this guy wasn't looking for a relationship has nothing whatsoever to do with you.
So when you say "he doesn't want me, he doesn't want to stay" that's an inaccurate framing of what happened. It's an overly harsh assessment of things.
I know this isn't going to make you suddenly feel better, but still, I think it's important that you don't twist this in your mind.
This wasn't a case where he is out there looking for Love, and has said "not you".
This is a guy who was looking for no-strings attached sex on an ongoing basis. He wasn't rejecting YOU in the sense that he wants somebody, just not you. He doesn't want to "stay" with ANYBODY. He doesn't 'want' ANYBODY the way that you're talking about.
So it's a matter of you both looking for totally different things. A relationship with you (or anyone) was never on his mind. He was not rejecting a relationship with you, anymore than he was rejecting a relationship in it's entirety--with ANYBODY.
So try not to think of it as him rejecting you personally. He was clear from the start that he wasn't looking for a relationship. It was the fact that you were looking for something more, not WHAT YOU HAD TO OFFER that led to the rejection.
I hope that makes sense.
Yes , it all makes sense. You’re right on the part that I am twisting the reality of it. I think what I’m trying to say is that it hurts that I couldn’t change his mind. He didn’t like me enough to consider it.
I didn’t really want a relationship myself bc of the things going on in my life but I still wanted to talk to him. I really just wanted him in my life but I couldn’t make him.. it was easy for him to go. If I don’t say something we won’t talk..
But I thought when a guy says “I’m not looking for a relationship “ it just means.. “not with you” or I thought he wasn’t over his ex or there was another girl.
But I do trust him… oddly enough. I trust what he says bc he has been honest and consistent. He hasn’t given me a reason not to. I do appreciate him caring enough about my feelings and well being
I went off on him a lot
Oh wow. No! A guy who is "not looking for a relationship" nearly always really means "Not looking for a relationship with anybody".
There can be a plethora of reasons for a guy being in that mindset. It could be that he's still recovering from a past relationship, it could be because he's just looking to "have fun" and doesn't want anything serious, etc. But it doesn't mean that he doens't want a relationship WITH YOU!
For guys there are two distinct categories of sex:
1. Meaningful sex with all the emotional and romantic intimacy of meaningful sex.
2. Meaningless sex. Sex with "no strings" or "one night stands" or "friends with benefits". For this kind of sex, the idea is to have fun, enjoy the physical experience, but not attach any real emotion (and certainly not romantic emotion) to the sexual experience.
Women, generally, are not as able to divorce sex from emotion.
That's what you found out you couldn't do. (and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, unless you kid yourself about what you're cool with and try a friends with benefits situation with somebody else)
It sounds like this guy was a good guy, because he saw that you were unable to seperte sex and emotional attachment, and knew having sex would hurt you (which it would have).
I think it's good to do a "post-relationship autopsy" and think about all those things like "I went off on him a lot" (and maybe how you should minimize that in the future), you look at the good parts about the way you felt about him, and how he showed caring for you... and you look for something along those lines in the future.
But... it's probably too early for that right now. It's ok to just be sad for a while. It hurts to lose someone meaningful, and it's ok to just allow yourself some time to be hurt.
So maybe he’s not over his ex?
Even tho he says he is whenever I mention it… he says he doesn’t hate her or love her. He says he feels indifferent.. he says he doesn’t think about her unless I bring her up… but I can’t help it bc his emotionally unavailability just didn’t make sense to me..
I just low key felt like I wasn’t good enough for something more.. and I didn’t understand it then.. like what you’re explaining to me now.. I didn’t understand then. I thought it was something about me.. sometimes I still feel that way..
I put a lot of my insecurities on him.. I was too much at times and I think sometimes he did feel bad bc I would act a bit over the top.
He has tried to reassure me whenever I would doubt myself. I would tell him “if I were light skin Keisha with the big butt you would want me” and he would say “stop being so down on yourself” “you’re beautiful as you are” “ just stop” … or he would say that it’s not you
He has told me “I really like talking to you but I can’t give you what you want. I know I can’t give you what you want. You don’t believe me that’s fine. I really do hope you’re happy” blah blah blah friendzone talk and rejection
But I understand now. At the end of the day.. he didn’t like me enough to stay
haha, dammit! No you DON"T understand!
"he didn't like me enough to stay" is exactly what I'm trying to tell you is the wrong way to look at this.
He doesn't want to "stay" with ANYBODY. That's not what he's looking for! THat doesn't seem to compute for you. He is not looking for a girlfriend. SO you thinking "damn, he didn't like me enough to make me his girlfriend... must be me" makes no sense!
This guy honestly did everything right. He COULDN'T give you what you wanted (a relationship). He was super clear about that. But you insist on blaming yourself for not convincing him "to stay". That is specifically, and exactly what he made clear he is NOT looking for.
You were 'friendzoned' because you two were never more than friends. that's what the "Friends" part of friends with benefits means. You kept thinking about this guy as a hopeful boyfriend. That was never going to happen, because he is specifically NOT WANTING A GIRLFRIEND.
Does that make sense?
I do think it's good that you take a look at your own behavior to hopefully make changes for your future relationships. But there isn't going to be a relationship with this guy. There was never a hope of that happening from the start. When a guy says he's not looking for a relationship, or he wants to be friends with benefits... he MEANS it.
You need to believe guys when they say that. Otherwise, you're going to end up really really hurt when someone less honorable than this guy, has meaningless sex with you (which is meaningful to YOU because you don't believe him when he says he's not looking for anything serious).
Trying to start a relationship with a guy who says he doesn't want one is never going to work.
What you need is a guy who is ALSO looking for a relationship.
Yeah I totally understand it now…. But you didn’t mention the ex part…
Is that his reasoning for not wanting a relationship? He was in a 3 year relationship. They broke up almost 2 years ago..
But he did say that he felt like he would make a bad boyfriend and his work as a firefighter is his main focus right now..
Ugh. I’ll let it go. I’m driving myself crazy
We stopped talking officially last month bc I told him that I was driving myself crazy trying to figure him out.. so we agreed that it’s best.
Nothing about anything you've said suggests to me that he's not over his ex. But that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with someone else either. There can totally be periods of "I'm not looking for anything serious" that are just... what a guy wants in some particular time.
But I definitely think you're barking up the wrong tree with the ex thing.
And I agree that it's best if you let him go. He doesn't want a girlfiend right now, and you're unable to see him in any other way (like you can't really just be friends). So he's basically "not available". You can look at it as him being just as "unavailable" as he would be if he had a girlfriend already. For you, he IS that unavailable. THis can't work, and if you tried to maintain contact, you'd be extending and increasing the pain you're in.
Okay,
It’s def been hard just trying to be friends when I want more. That’s the main reason we talked on and off bc I would get mad.
Now I’m not saying that I want him to be my boyfriend at this moment but I do want him to at least like me… even if he is unavailable… or just say “hey I do like you but I’m not in a place to date you” …. I think him not really caring about not speaking to me hurts.. not really the relationship part..
I feel like it was wrong for him to “tell me the truth about myself”, tell me he was “concerned” , say he “cares even if I don’t see it”… all that just to not be in my life at all..
That hurt and I said some horrible things to him and I even threatened to kill myself … but don’t worry I told him it was a “joke” from the office.. to lighten things up… (dark humor)… but I was sad.
But it’s time to move on
You're still hoping for the impossible when hoping he'll say "I like you too but I'm not in a place to date you right now".
You're still not quite 'getting it' (don't get me wrong, I can SEE that you're trying). It's just so different from how YOU feel when it comes to sex, relationships, attachment, affection etc that you're having a hard time grasping where he was coming from.
The difference between "wanting a relationship" vs. "telling you the feelings for relationship were
there, but that a relationship wasn't possible" are the same thing in this case.
In other words, when a guy is not looking for arelationship, it's like you 'close-off' allowing yourself to get close to someone (anyone) in exactly the way you're wanting closeness--romantic closeness.
So he is equally not looking for a girlfrind but also not looking to FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ANYONE.
But also, I disagree that it was somehow wrong for him to tell you that he cared, and was concerned. None of that implies caring about someone beyond friendship. ANd to be honest, a lot of your behavior with him... WAS/IS concerning! So anyone who cares about you as a friend is going to obviously be concerned. You seem to think that him feeling that way should imply caring on a deeper level. I see nothing wrong with that.
Now, it depends on what all happened during the conversation. What I objected to earlier was him saying he only responded to you out of pity. I don't think that's true. But aside from that, and anything else he might have said that was mean or uncalled for during that discussion... I have to say, this guy sorta did everything right.
You do need to reflect on a lot of your behavor with him. Because it's not healthy, and not something you want to bring into your next relationships (Like thretening to kill yourself is classic emotional abuse. Don't do that).
You've been quite pleasant and quite sane during our conversation. But from what you tell me, you acted pretty nuts with this guy. You should learn what you can from looking at that. But yes, you should try and point your eyes forward, and try and move on.
I wasn’t nuts with him. He just entered into my life during a vulnerable time.. I do think he was heaven sent… but you’re right my behavior was unstable and as hard as it to admit this.. I wouldn’t want him to choose me anyway. (If he was ready)
I do have issues. I struggle with very low self esteem, depression (badly) alcoholism sometimes and just struggling to just exist and feel wanted. Some of it stems from childhood
I wasn’t in any way trying to be abusive but I know what I said was wrong.. I just wanted him to know that I felt extremely hurt.. tired of being left like I was nothing.
I wanted him to fix it somehow.
But I do appreciate him. I’ve never experienced a guy like him. Not saying he’s perfect but I appreciate him for a lot of reasons. I’ll always have a soft spot for him
I feel like he showed me what love could look like or what to look for in somebody else. He’s quite rare
I really do genuinely feel badly for you. You obviously cared about this guy a lot, but like I've been saying; what you needed him to be was not in the realm of possibility.
It never works to try and get a partner to 'fix' the things we all struggle with. That's not good for either you, the relationship, or the other person. They can certainly be support for you, but relying on them to do anything like 'fixing' is simply asking more than anyone can give. But I do hear what you're saying.
I understand that this isn't going to help make you feel better now (at all). But I think that overall, you'll be able to look back and see that some positives sprung-out of this extremely painful period in your life.
For instance, I think that this guy gave you a 'glimpse' of what really being close with someone could be like. You very-much strike me as someone who's had their heart-opened for the very first time. You are currently experiencing all kinds of pain from having opened your heart. But... now you know what you're looking for. THe kind of connection you're seeking. You'll be able to recognize when a guy DOESN"T make you feel the way this guy made you feel.
You won't care about this now, but there will be other guys who will make you feel just as strongly. But... they WILL be available. You now know "what kind of guy/feeling" you're looking for. But for now... unfortunately, there's nothing but time that's going to make you feel any better
Yes, I agree. I always post this when I’m feeling really sad about it. I always appreciate the thorough support.. I really needed this
I’m sad but it is what it is
I just felt like he was the first person to ever “care” about me even if he really didn’t
Looking back. I don’t think he “cared” I just think he was being a honorable hood guy and he has empathy.
Glad I helped a bit, if I did. But yes, it really is what it is. THe trick is to just hang-in there. It's ok to be sad, just make sure you keep "doing what you gotta do that day". You just keep putting one-foot-in-front of the other, going through the motions of work, food, shower, sleep, work etc. You'll feel like shit, but it's important to keep-on-keepin-on.
It sure as hell won't FEEL like it, but you really will be healing. In fact you're already healing right now. Healing feels fucking aweful though.
But one day, you'll realize that you... haven't thought about him at all that day. It won't be on purpose. You'll just get distracted by whateverthefuck mundane shit is happening in your everyday life, and you will 'forget' to be sad about this for almost an entire day. THAT's when you can first see ANY progress. And you find you have more and more days like that (although nights are still going to be difficult). Then, one day, you'll actually be able to see and acknowledge yourself that you're feeling less hurt about this.
It takes time. But hang in there, feel awful, but hang in there and wait for time to do it's work. It sucks, but it WILL heal you.
And... at any point in that process, you might end up meeting someone... who you connect with... that allows you to get over this all-of-a-sudden at some point.
Either way. good luck and hang in there. 🙂
I didn't see your last reply when I posted mine.
No. This guy did care about you. There isn't any real question about that. If you choose to look at it that way, I think you're being totally unfair to him as well as to yourself.
I think maybe where you're getting mixed up is by thinking that caring about someone (even caring deeply about someone) need necessarily be "caring" in a romantic way. Some of those I've cared about most over the years have been friends.
I just felt like he was the first person to ever “care” about me even if he really didn’t
Looking back. I don’t think he “cared” I just think he was being a honorable hood guy and he has empathy.
I’m going to take this time to heal and work on me and my mental health. I really need to work on my emotions and attachment
Oh okay! I see you’re response
Thank you❤️
I think he did care. He just wasn't looking for anything beyond friendship. But you can care without wanting to become romanticly involved with someone.
I think it's a great idea to take time to heal and to work on yourself. Work on your emotions and attachments if you feel you need to, but also... it's ok to be sad about this. It's ok to be having trouble with 'attachments' right now when you've just lost someone. Just don't work so hard on yourself that you don't allow yourself the time and space to grieve.
I really really appreciate you ❤️ and your time
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving, and I wish you all kinds of happiness. Take care of yourself. 🙂
Thank you🙏 You too✨✨
He likes you but there is something missing and so he refuses to go any further.
You're almost exactly what he wants but there is 1 thing.
It’s complicated. He did want sex in the beginning
Sex has nothing to do with it. That's not the 1 thing that I was talking about.
I’m sorry I misunderstood your post
Opinion
1Opinion
He will come back... for sex.
We never had sex.
You need to be writing that theory you said
I’m aware
I’m waiting on my theory
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