How to get over him?

[Too_Blessed202]

I asked this guy I was currently talking to what we are and how I didn’t want a friends with benefits. He said he didn’t know what he wanted. I said the same because I was scared. Fast forward three days he hasn’t texted or called me? It’s clear I scared him how do i get over this rejection?

[SteveSmith1985]

You didn't "scare him off".

That's not what happened. Here is what happened:

1. You told the guy you're talking to that you had no interest in sex with him unless you two were in a relationship.

-so honestly. GOOD. You were right to tell him what you were looking for, and ask if you two were both looking for the same thing (a relationship). This is EXACTLY the right thing to do. Be honest, clear and up-front about where you're coming from, and ask the other person where they're coming from.

So, to recap. You say, you don't want sex without having a committed relationship. You ask him what he wants. He says he doesn't know what he wanted. You said the same because you were scared (no problem, you already told the truth earlier. Nobody believed you when you said "same" because you were scared)

His answer, in this case sounds like essentially a rejection.

I would guess that this guy DOES want to be friends with benefits, or to date casually or whatever. But... it's pretty safe to say that it was a pretty clear "I'm sorry, but I don't think I want a relationship with you right now".

The thing that went bad, was simply that you got the 'wrong' answer. "Wrong" being the answer you didn't want to hear. But... you did everything right.

You did everything PERFECTLY. My advice to you would have been to do just as you did. "be open and honest, put your cards on the table, and ask what you need answered" really is the essence of the advice that I give most often.

ANd it would have worked BEAUTIFULLY... IF he were both looking for a relationship. THen everything is roses, and you feel like you did the right thing and yadda yadda yadda.

So you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't scare him away. He just wasn't also looking for a relationship.

But you know... as much as it hurts... it really really is best that you find out he is not looking for the same thing you are looking for. Asking didn't change what his answer was going to be (whatever his reasons for not wanting a relationship).



This guy didn't reject you.

You told him you weren't looking to fuck, unless he was looking for a relationship. He's not looking for a relationship. (Thank GOD you found that out. Good thing you asked. It's better to KNOW)

THAT is what happened. 🙂

You can't do anything to get over the feeling of rejection, aside from giving it time. You wait, and try and move on, and see if you can find someone who will make you happy.

[Too_Blessed202]

I’m literally about to screenshot what you just said so that I can keep it with me. This was actually the first time that I was able to be vulnerable enough to ask instead of going along with it. It great to know what I’m doing the right thing even if it comes with disappointments and let downs. Thank you so much honestly.💓💓

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh I'm so happy that this might help you to continue to be vulnerable like that! It really is (in my opinion) the best way to navigate your love life.

1. Put your cards on the table first

2. Be Open and Honest (say what you mean; mean what you say)

3. Ask the questions you need answered.

Those things are the answer to 90% of relationship problems/worries/issues.

I actually give people the advice to do EXACTLY what you did, so often I made-up a 'term' for it. You had an "exclusivity conversation" (of sorts). But this is the conversation you NEED to have before you invest yourself emotionally into someone you're dating.

An "exclusivity conversation" has two parts. You need to TELL the other person that you want to be exclusive with them; and you ASK the other person if they agree to be exclusive with you. (and now... you're in a relationship)

The other side is, to FIND OUT that someone is NOT ready to be exclusive with you in return (the other person isn't ready for a relationship yet, or they're dating other people or... whatever the reason). It's SOO important to KNOW this!

You can never regret asking. THe answer didn't change because everyone is too scared to ask. It "is whatever it is"... asking is merely finding out what's already fact.

I have seen girls get hurt by refusing to have that 'exclusivity conversation'. Nobody knows the other person's intentions. Everyone assumes the other person wants what they want. But... that gets really painful really quick.

you cut through all of that bullshit. Just keep doing what you did here.

You'll find that you can cut through SO MUCH relationship silliness and worry (especially in the early stages of getting together) if you keep doing what you're doing. 🙂

[EricJonesAB]

It isn't really a rejection, you just want different things.

[Too_Blessed202]

Well it kind of is to me if he stopped talking to me just because I voiced that I didn’t want to be friends with benefit

[EricJonesAB]

It just lets you know that he isn't serious about a relationship and he's trying to get a fuck buddy. I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but you did the right thing by asking that important question. You didn't scare him off, he's just playing around and you got your answer,

[Too_Blessed202]

That’s true. I mean I did ask lol thank you💓

[EricJonesAB]

You're welcome.
Hopefully the next guy is more compatible with you.

[Yayuyo]

Agree with Eric. And it's good that you found out before you got too emotionally entangled. Better guys out there. Really!

[JPresidente]

You did the right thing. If you’re not interested in friends with benefits then it’s best to move on from a guy like that.