I know I prob keep posting this but I’m starting to think he needs the space it’s hard what do you think?

[Anonymous]

He’s ghosted me then I muted him first and then unmuted him and I think that’s when I noticed he muted me

He still watches my stories and follows me but I can’t see him online or his stories

He says he’s working on himself/focusing on himself …. He doesn't wanna hangout or be in public with me ( prob ) our friendship is on and off there’s attraction he still thinks I’m pretty that’s never changed.

He knows I miss him but he’s also working a new job going to two rehab sober meetings one of them AA … I don’t smoke nor drink

This isn’t the first time he’s ghosted either we sometimes are off and on

He doesn’t wanna nor ready for a relationship with anyone but he wants an emotional physical connection wants to get better at that

He doesn’t wanna use me for sex but we had plans to do things like a coffee lunch date you know

Going to this winter wonderland fair thing on my birthday which is coming up December 29 but since he’s ghosting and muting me I think I should just respect his space

I wish I could reach out… i Miss him

advice and or experience would be nice And appreciated , thanks

[SteveSmith1985]

I feel really badly for you. I can HEAR how much you're hurting bleeding through your words.

This guy does need space. There is no question about that. That is what he needs.

Now, what I see here, is a woman who cares very deeply about a man. He cares deeply for her too, and he doesn't want to hurt her. He KNOWS that he is not in a place right now to be in a relationship. He's told you as much.

But you care about him SOOO much, that you are willing to make compromises you should not make in order to try and 'force-it'. To try and be with him, when that's not what he's able to do at this point.

He is trying to stay sober. I'm sure he's told you that AA conventional wisdom is that ANY relationship within the first year of recovery is a bad idea (even a relationship with someone sober). There is some justification for that 'rule'.

"He doesn’t wanna nor ready for a relationship with anyone but he wants an emotional physical connection wants to get better at that"

That line stuck out to me. That is exactly what you CAN'T allow yourself to be. Someone who he doesn't have a relationship with, but who he has an emotional and physical connection with... to get better at it. That is allowing yourself to be used. That will leave you perpetually unhappy. (like you are now).

This guy needs space. If you hope something will happen between you two... it will be WELL into the future. If you succeed in getting him to agree to a relationship any time soon... that relationship is very unlikely to succeed.

He needs space.

You need to try to move on. You need to try and set your sights elsewhere in looking for a relationship. I'm sorry.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the advice, I won’t push it I’ll give him space and time and busy myself, also what’s the justification for the rule in AA you mentioned?

[SteveSmith1985]

You're welcome. And I think that space is a good idea. Don't be afraid to move on with your own romantic life, it's not fair to yourself to wait for him. Be his friend, but I hope you do look for someone else as well.

Now, DO NOT quote me on AA stuff. I know some of it, but like, honestly, you're better to go to their website or something official for their rational. But the basic idea is that the first year of recovery is extremely precarious. Relationships seem to make recovery more difficult (especially in that first year.)

But... I'm not an AA devotee. It's been years since I've been in one of those rooms. I really don't feel like I should try and explain reasoning... in case I have it wrong. I DO for sure, remember that it's "a thing".

Now I'm not sure that it's a 'rule' (as in mandatory) but I know it's at least an 'unofficial very strong suggestion' if nothing more.

BUt please don't take me as any authority on this. Look into it yourself if the AA/relationship aspect of this is important to you. I don't want to mislead you.

[QuietVerbena]

Just respect his space for now. And whatever you do don’t have sex with him. It will end in disaster (though atm it sounds like he just wants space so that shouldn’t be an issue anyway).

[pink_strawberries]

If he truly loved or cared about you, he wouldn’t have done that.


Find yourself a man. One that deserves your love and could love you back.

[In_Trance]

You post this too much