I got touched inappropriately by a guy, but I flirted with him so I feel like it is my fault?

[Anonymous]

So i am on a semester abroad in Germany, and I left my dorm to go pick up my delivery food outside of the apartment building. The delivery service people did not call me because I had an American phone number, so I ended up waiting outside for longer than 20 minutes. While I was waiting there, this guy at my university walked passed me to go pick up food from somewhere else but came back like 10 minutes later and was still surprised to see me there. So we sparked up a conversation and it seemed totally normal; the guy seemed very nice and was flirting with me, so I flirted back because I thought he was cute. However, after about 5 minutes he starting complimenting me a lot and got really close. He asked if he could kiss me, and i was bewildered but stupidly enough said ok. I did not realize that he was completely wasted until after the fact. We walked back towards his dorm because after he gave me his phone number he said that he "may have given me the wrong number because he was really really drunk, so he wanted to make sure the text came through on his phone." I realize that this is where my mistake was made when I decided to let him check his phone before I went back to my place to eat my sushi. I was getting quite creeped out at this point and felt the desire to leave. I guess I thought he actually thought I was cute but I really should have just left at that point because I knew he was drunk, which was stupid on my part. But we were in the common room, and then he kept telling me that he wanted to kiss me and touch me but he "didn't want to push the boundaries." Even after saying no I don't really want to he still insisted multiple times; I did flirt with him a little bit because I didn't want him to get mad when it was just the two of us in there, but then he grabbed my boobs and my butt. Then he grabbed my privates and that is when I recoiled after that and said no thank you. Is this my fault? There's more to the story but I ran out of space so yeah :(

Updates

1 y

To continue, I finally got the opportunity to dip but he walked me out (I didn't say no cause I didn't want him to get angry since he was drunk and I wasn't sure how he would take it). He then said he wanted to go on a date and that he "doesn't usually have sex on the first date." Take note, I am a virgin, blatantly told him that right after the fact. He said, "oh that is not a big deal we'll take it slow." Finally I left his place and just felt so bewildered, but didn't really feel disgusted

Updates

1 y

until a little after... I was literally sick to my stomach. Later in the evening I went to a superbowl party with my friends and he kept texting me about leaving the party to go on a walk with him. I said no multiple times, he continued pressuring me, but luckily he did not know where my party was. He texted again later about coming to sleep at his place, I said no yet again, and finally he stopped after I just turned my phone off. Sorry i just needed to get everything out.

[PrettyPriya]

No, that is not your fault at all. It is called consent. If he grabbed your private area without consent, that is 100% on him. It would be no different than if you did the same to him without consent. He assaulted you.

Just because you agreed to a kiss, does not mean it is a green light to touch you wherever he wants. Sure, it may have not helped and given the wrong impression, but it really makes no difference in the end.

The other issue is the alcohol. That lowers inhibitions and judgement, which is pretty obvious. By the way, if you have more info you want to share, you can use the update box and update the question that way.

This is by no means you fault as I said. Do not think it is or be upset with yourself. You did nothing other than put yourself in a bad position. That still is no excuse to be groped. However, sadly, that is the world we live in and some guys just think they can do whatever they want.

[PrettyPriya]

Ref update: I think you need to stay away from this guy as you already decided to do. He is nothing but trouble given her persistence. He sounds almost stalker like. He is also 100% trying to get in your pants in my opinion.

[Asker]

Yeah I unfortunately realized that after the fact when I actually relooked over the situation. Especially when he continued texting me and pressuring me after saying no. If he contacts me again, I am planning on saying something for sure

[PrettyPriya]

Well, I hope that you can find some peace in that it didn't go too far or get violent. Still, it is a terrible thing to go through. I have a friend here that you can talk to about this stuff. She is very understanding of people going through this sort of thing.

@Agape93

[Agape93]

Oh yeah I'm available hon. No judgement.

[Asker]

@Agape93 @prettypriya thank you both for the advice and offer, it really means a lot to see other people out here willing to be so supportive. I will def let you know if I want to talk this out more :)

[PrettyPriya]

You are welcome and happy to help if you need it. My DMs are open to all users should you ever need someone to listen. Take care of yourself.

[SueShe]

Yes, you are at fault by at least 50%.

Germany has enforced strict laws following a mass rape shortly before New Year's of the year 2021 I believe.

If you allow this guy to kiss you, you bear a good half of the responsibility of what has happened afterwards. If you decide to take this guy to court, German laws will investigate you thoroughly and if found that you did not put all your energy against him becoming too personal with you, a good lawyer will place a great part of responsibility on you.

It is not so relevant whether you said "no" at a later stage but the important thing in the eyes of the law is that you initially agreed for him to be kissing you.

You should have refrained to even talk to this harasser in the first place. What you should have done is to shout out loud for help.

[Asker]

damn are you serious? I am sorry but that is kind of fucked up that the law won't help someone just because they said yes to one small thing but the other person then proceeded to take things too far. I am not planning on taking him to court or anything, but in this case the German law is basically saying - as an example - if I said yes to a kiss then he raped me, he couldn't get charged for that?

[SueShe]

I was a little off with the year but it happened in 2016. Read the report here.

en.wikipedia.org/.../2015%E2%80%9316_New_Year's_Eve_sexual_assaults_in_Germany

Now, there is a general resentment against North African men in general but also against foreigners in Germany. Of course, Americans are a big thorn in the eyes of the younger generations that still see them as unwelcome. In their defense, there have been a lot of harrowing stories about US troops stationed in Germany and their behavior.

I am not from Germany, or am I German but i have visited Germany enough times to get an overall view.

Still, the behavior of this guy is totally inappropriate and unacceptable but you should have shouted for help when the situation degenerated.

[bamesjond0069]

If I withdraw $100k in cash and had it in a big stack and then walked through the ghetto with it at 2am holding it up for everyone to see and then told people I walked past I had 100k cash in my hand... and then some thug robbed me... that's how much at fault you are. So you tell me. He was inappropriate and what he did was wrong... but we're you responsible for it happening?

[WaterIsland]

Nope it’s not ok by him. You said ok to him kissing you. You didn’t say yes to him touching you in other places. It’s that simple. Doesn’t matter if you flirted with him or not. You didn’t say yes to him touching you in other places.

[Asker]

thank you that does clear things up. I think it just feels weird because I flirted but ig it is quite simple. I just hate this because now I don't even want anyone to be near me at the moment

[WaterIsland]

You had a boundary and he broke it. If I were you, I’d report it to a counselor or something at school. It’s unacceptable what he did. It’s that simple.

To be extra extra clear. You did nothing wrong.

If I were you I’d focus on getting help for yourself tho. Reporting him to a counselor. Talking to a counselor about it. I know those things are difficult. But it’s not fair to yourself to slip into depression or feel like you’re a bad person because of this. Just make sure you get whatever help you need to recover from this experience.

[FilmGuy93]

It's not your fault, but you didn't do a lot to prevent it either.

[serious_miss419]

Not your fault. His fault for not knowing how to be appropriate.
He groped you and it was wrong. Keep pepper spray on you from now on. Campus sexual assaults are a thing. Ask for campus footage or find his picture and share it with the other females.

[Stevefiveo]

Not your fault. Flirting is fine but he overstepped the line when he started grabbing you after you said no.

[Guy13]

Above my pay grade.

[Guy13]

I know that this is difficult but talking to a parent or counseling professional may be best course of action. Be safe.

[Asker]

thank you, yeah luckily I have other guy friends here from my American university so I talked to one of them about it. thanks again

[Anonymous]

Its all fine
Dont feel sad u went in new exp. u won't do it next time