Is it bad that I flirted with other guys when I have a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

When I was younger I had this problem where I couldn't reject people; I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I would let them flirt with me for a bit and then block them or tell them I had a boyfriend so they would stop. I was always very nice to them (never said anything flirty back, just friendly), but I now feel horrifically guilty. It went to the point where I would let guys give me their numbers but then text them that I wasn't interested so I wouldn't embarrass them. I have had a boyfriend while this is happening and I feel horrible. Is this justified or am I being irrational?

[cavmanier]

The only time I like a girlfriend to be angry is when another guy is hitting on her. That is the only time I find that attractive but it actually is quite attractive.

Your issue sounds like you don't know how to be firm with people which is something you can learn to develop. It's normal to be horrible about it. It would be quite an unappealing trait in a girlfriend because it seems like you may not be faithful and I would hate the idea of my girlfriend being friendly to a guy flirting with her and her taking his number. That's really disrespectful.

[Asker]

I only took their numbers so I could reject them in private and not embarrass them

[cavmanier]

I know but that doesn't matter to me. I understand where you're coming from, but I would hate my girlfriend doing that. I find that highly disrespectful. Why not just go on a few dates and then get to the point where you're about to have sex and then tell him you have a boyfriend then? That's kind of what it feels like.

[Asker]

But I texted them 5 seconds later and rejected them. I never met with them, I literally just didn’t want to embarrass them in front of a ton of people/my coworkers. My age is wrong on here I’m actually 16

[cavmanier]

I would rather them be embarrassed than them thinking they got the girl. I wouldn't want their number even in her phone. Technically no damage is done and I understand where you're coming from. Relationships have heavy components of emotions though and this would bother me heavily. Like I said, you might as well go on a date with them and tell them you have a boyfriend there.

[Asker]

I’m an underage girl so it would have been really embarrassing. I texted them that I was underage and immediately deleted their numbers. I just felt that it wasn’t necessary to tell my boyfriend. And I never say flirtatious stuff back, I’m just nice and they take it the wrong way.

[cavmanier]

You wouldn't have to say you are underage. You just say you aren't interested. I think you should be telling your boyfriend this stuff. It's important to know who the people you are in relationships with are.

[Asker]

We were in public, and I deleted their numbers right after I rejected them. It was a good way to handle a potentially embarrassing/dangerous situation, and I’m bad at confrontation. My boyfriend knows that I would never keep guys numbers and talk to random guys

[cavmanier]

Maybe he's okay with it then. Tell him and find out. I have a feeling the reason you didn't tell him is because you know he won't like it. I was just telling you how I see the situation. Some guys go as far as being fine with their girlfriends having sex with other men so we are all different. I'm the "values loyalty" guy.

[Asker]

I get that, I think my boyfriend would understand but this happened a while ago and I was too scared that he would get mad. I think he trusts me and knows that it’s hard for me to be blunt with people. I should just stop thinking about it honestly. Thank you for the advice !

[cavmanier]

For me it wouldn't even necessarily be about trust. Like I was saying, this isn't so much a logical thing. I wouldn't necessarily be mad but this is more of an emotional thing where it wouldn't feel good that you were nice to the guy trying to get a date with you. To understand try thinking of it from putting yourself in his situation. A girl asks for your guys number and he does what you do.

But maybe if I had a girlfriend it wouldn't bother me. I had one girl that would humor the hell out of guys that were constantly trying to talk to her. She'd befriend them, etc. It was so annoying to think about them acting as if they just want to be her friend and her talking away with them. So maybe that's where I'd feel annoyed about this. I wanted her to tell the guys to fuck off. She would even thank them when they would compliment her looks. It was so annoying.

[Asker]

I feel like thanking someone for calling you attractive isn’t flirting. Maybe she was just being nice? I always say thanks when I get a compliment. She probably didn’t want to be that girl who was like “I have a boyfriend don’t talk to me”

[cavmanier]

"I feel like thanking someone for calling you attractive isn’t flirting"
I wasn't trying to say it's flirting. I still didn't like it though. I rather hated it. Think about how you'd feel if your boyfriend has 10 girls a day come up to him and tell him he's handsome. You have to think about it as if the girls felt like guys and they really wanted sex with your boyfriend and they don't respect what you two. They actually enjoy the challenge of you two being together. 10 girls compliment him and try to get to know him and he smiles back totally friendly and says "thank you for calling me hot" 🙂. And then he ends up becoming friends with some of these girls. How do you feel? You would want him to tell them to fuck off? That's how I felt. You are totally find with the compliments at your guy though it sounds like.

"She probably didn’t want to be that girl who was like “I have a boyfriend don’t talk to me”"
I fantasized about it.

[englisc]

Of course it's bad. If you caught your boyfriend doing the same thing you'd be pissed off wouldn't you? And whether or not he was actually up to something wouldn't matter, you'd automatically become very suspicious of him. At the very least you'd feel like he didn't respect you and the relationship.

The big thing you have to ask yourself here is why you seem to care more about avoiding hurting the feelings of guys you don't even know and shouldn't really care about more than you do your relationship with your boyfriend.

[Asker]

I'm just a very passive person and I know it's not an excuse but I feel horrible. I feel like this is something to break up over because I feel too guilty.

[yucychan]

Yes, you are being irrational. I don't understand. Just say you have a boyfriend and walked away. Why must you waste your time entertaining them only to still reject them in the end? Makes no sense. The moment you text them saying you have a boyfriend, you are already embarrassing them and also hurting their feelings more.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yes, I believe flirting with other people while you're in a relationship is wrong. It's not difficult to tell someone "thank you but I'm not interested." That's not being mean and while it always hurts to be rejected, it's still the best thing to do in this situation out of basic respect for your partner.

[nick1988]

Same here

[Asker]

My age is wrong (I’m 16) and I would be scared of just saying no flat out in front of people because I didn’t want to embarrass them. I texted them a rejection and immediately deleted their numbers. I also never flirt with guys I just let them flirt with me (not much better)

[nick1988]

No it ain't

[Asker]

I’m in high school lmao I’m 16 I am still young and have trouble rejecting people

[AngelGabe]

I think it's perfectly normal. Dating is very competitive and the fact that you rejected them in theory means that you were not convinced they were a better choice. For any that should be a reasonable confidence booster, assuming that's the case. Flirting helps you recognize flirting as well though, which can be invaluable even outside of romantic pursuits.

[TitanicHispanic]

Honestly its pretty bad i see a lot of dudes that go through this when they see they're girl letting other guys flirt with them, and they get either pissed off or heartbroken when they see that she's not tellin them to back off, and the being friendly part can be misunderstood as u flirting back in some guys eyes

[Asker]

Should I come clean to my boyfriend? He doesn’t know about it because I always thought it was minor; I didn’t let them flirt for long before talking about my boyfriend.

[eagle1951]

Sounds like you knew where to stop. but just so you know even though you thought you was being nice and not hurting there feeling. it still hurts. Darlin. And flirting in my book is alright as long as that's all that is done. sometimes everyone needs to flirt. so they know they still have what it takes.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

You just need to develop a tougher skin and be more assertive and just politely but clearly tell guys "no thanks". They want something very specific with you, so your being friendly can seem to them like an "invitation".

[Rob19777]

You shouldn't flirt at all it places mistrust on you and the relationship you have with him and doesn't make it seem like you would be loyal to him if you have this sort of behavior.

[outside_Toronto]

Depends how you quantify bad.
Would you like it if this happened to you?

[partyroy15]

Yes it’s bad that should never happen why your in a relationship I bet the messages was hidden away from partner?

[PainintheASK]

Than, it's cool for him to flirt with other girls.. Done deal..

[zaharaa]

I was like that in high school

[Asker]

Me too. Is this cheating should I feel guilty?

[zaharaa]

you just have to shut the guys down earlier

[Asker]

Do you think I should talk to my boyfriend about this? I feel like it would hurt him I just feel so guilty.

[zaharaa]

you dont have to as long as you stop yourself from doing it to be honest

[nick1988]

What's up

[zaharaa]

what's up